Hello Again

Jan 29, 2013

I stopped writing my blog for almost a year.  I still journaled regularly.  I just didn't blog.  I don't know why I stopped exactly except that someone said that they had found a blog I had written and it had affected them.  For some reason, that freaked me out.  I thought, "my god!  What if I fail? Will they think everything I said was a lie?  What if I can't do this or if I say the wrong thing?"  So many thoughts went through my head.  And then it hit me.  I am sharing honestly.  I have good times and bad times.  This is MY journey, specific only to me.  And it just may help someone along the way, but it will certainly help me.  And right now, I need that.

To catch you up, if anyone is reading this...lol, I had surgery in September of 2010.  I started my weight loss journey at 450+ pounds.  I was eating myself to death.  I had two small children who were going to bury their mom if I didn't do something.  I didn't do something.  So I started off with what I felt was the real problem.  My head.  I saw a counselor and started dealing with some issues I didn't even fully understand were affecting me in the way that they were.  When I started, I was homebound.  I chose not to leave my home.  I only left when I had to and even that was an adventure.  I would panic before I even got to the door.  I had built my own prison and only I had the key. 

After two years of therapy, I began to try dieting.  I would get so discouraged!  I would work that diet to the LETTER and I would exercise as hard as I could.  Though to be completely honest, a lot of it was using my own weight.  For instance, I would get up and down out of a kitchen chair.  I would step up and down off one stair.  I would lift milk jugs with various amounts of water or sand in them.  I would lift my legs and arms.  Because the truth of it was, I couldn't walk.  I couldn't move well.  But I stuck with it.  I would lose up to 60 pounds and then it would just stop.  I mean I would stop losing even though I was doing everything the way they told me too.  And to add insult to injury, I gained!  I took the looks to mean they didn't believe me.  And some of them did not.  I would get so depressed and then I would do the worst thing I could do.  I would give up on myself.  Only, with the therapy I had received, I cultivated a spark of hope.  It was then that I met the first Doctor who ever looked me in the eye and said, "I believe you and I believe in you.  I can help you." 

Dr. Ver Steeg did my surgery in September 2010.  It wasn't easy.  I had a very high bmi, I used food as comfort and crutch, I had a history of blood clots, and my health sucked to put it mildly.  I lost 60 pounds before surgery.  I think this proved my determination as well as made me stronger and healthier for the surgery.  I had a filter put in my renal arteries to help protect me from clots.  I was well informed about the risks of surgery.  Dr. Ver Steeg pulled no punches with me.  The surgery went very well.  The only complication was an allergy to pain medication.  Coming home on baby tylenol was tough.  But I actually thank God for that.  It made me move.  I could not sit.  The pain would get to me.  I had to get up and move.  And i believe I healed faster because of this.  I still remember that first walk after arriving home.  I couldn't make it around the whole block, but I tried dammit.  I got out there and I tried.  My face was red and sweaty.  I felt like I couldn't breathe and thought I might pass out.  But two hours later I went out again and I made it a bit further that time.  And by the end of that first day home, I had nearly made it half way.  The next day I walked around that huge block and when I got home, you would have thought I had won the gold!  I remember that feeling of accomplishment.  I remember weeping at the joy I felt.  I remember that hope that flooded me.  It had been years since I had walked even that far.  I would walk now.  And I would be grateful because I would remember how it felt to not be able to walk.  My prison door flew open.

Two years later I have had to completely re-learn things I had thought I had always known.  I do not consider myself a dieter.  I am no longer a slave to the diet grind.  I simple choose to eat in a different way.  Food is fuel now instead of comfort.  It has a cost analysis.  If there isn't enough protein and nutrition to justify the calories, it is too expensive and too low a grade of fuel for this finely tuned machine to be choking on.  lol.  If I am feeling empty, I don't reach for food to fill the hole.  I write.  I try to figure out what I am feeling and why.  I drink water.  I go for a walk.  I do something I love.  I hug my kids.  But I don't use food as a crutch.  Because it will eventually kill me if I do.  Now many would say that is too extreme.  But for me, it's the truth. 

I am not perfect.  But I do plan a little better.  My birthday is this Saturday.  Now I know the meal will be healthy because I am preparing it.  (fish and veggies)  My kids are young and birthday cake making is standard.  So I will lower the calories by making it using an old Weight Watchers recipe and using a dollop of whipped cream instead of sugar loaded frosting.  Plus, I will be blowing out the candles and then indulging in just a tiny piece.  Sugar still gets me sick.  The kids get to be kids and enjoy a sweet treat.  Mom gets to be healthy and "normal" without the high cost for crap fuel.  (pun sooo intended, tyvm)

What I still struggle with is my own body image.  I still see a fat person.  I am still deemed to be overweigh by the bmi charts we all love to hate.  What does it matter?  Well, because I am still at risk for certain diseases with extra weight.  Beside my head says I have failed if I am still over weight.  Because my mind and my eyes don't see what others might see and don't think what "normal" folks might think when it comes to this issue.  And that's where my struggles lie today.  The overwhelming fear that this will be taken away.  That I will forget what it means to be able to walk, ride a bike, move, dance, work without pain.  That I will revert back to bad behaviors.  That I will be too ashamed to ask for help if I need it.  Those are the dances I do these days.  It's all in my head, which is exactly where my obesity started. 

I stay positive these days.  I know what to do.  I don't allow myself to make excuses.  IF there is a good reason why I am not doing something I should, then I see out solutions.  Exercise is a tough one for me in the winter.  Ice and snow and cold keep me in.  It's my responsibility to be creative.  I drink less water for some reason in the winter.  It's my responsibility to make sure I am still getting those 2 liters or more a day in.  I spend my attention on the solution and the energy follows the attention.  Now there are times when the attention likes to stray and that's why I am still active on this site, my groups, and with my doctor.  I need to keep the flow going.  I need you to help me.  Maybe we can find our way together.   

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