Redefining some old ideas...

Feb 21, 2012

I was going to come on and just blast away at myself in this blog.  Then I decided to go to my start page and see what others were posting about on the boards.  Divine intervention.  That's all i can say.  lol

I feel guilty today.  I feel guilty because my 6 year old son was still sick and I had to send him to school anyway.  I am a single mom.  And i mean single.  My ex has pretty much checked out.  (Although i do have to say that his soon to be wife (March 9th) is actually a wonderful person.  Since he has been with her, he sees the kids more often, even though he has not kept them overnight in almost 2 years...except for one time.  She is a nice person to them, treats them well, makes them feel comfortable, and according to my son, makes the best chocolate chip pancakes ever.  I am actually looking ahead with hope to co-parenting with this lady.  I think we can make a bad situation way more positive.  I know she has already helped by getting my ex to see the kids more.  My ex and I are kinda weird i guess because we do get along.  I am FRUSTRATED that he doesn't take the kids more often.  However, other than making them available and gently encouraging the relationships, I keep my thoughts and feelings to myself.  Best way to REALLY screw a kid up in divorce?  Fight and talk smack about the other half who made them.  Just sayin'.  But since this is just between you and me and the kids don't read it, I WISH HE WOULD CHECK BACK IN!!)  Anyway, I asked if he could watch our son because work is getting a little ticked at me for missing so much with the kids being sick.  He actually didn't spout off with his usual, "you wanted physical custody, now deal with it!"  comment.  He didn't watch him either.  But he didn't become ass-like either.  So anyway...

I stayed home yesterday with my son.  I knew there were consequences i would face.  But my son needed me and i was out of options.  He still needs me today but he is way better.  Although he should have been resting one more day, i had what i felt was no choice but to send him.  I am out of sick and vacation time.  I haven't been earning it long and with all the illnesses this year, its gone.  If i don't work my full 40 hours, they take so much per hour out of my check to put towards the cost of insurance.  Smaller check because i miss hours AND because i had to pay more for insurance.  We live on a budget.  A very tight budget.  A peter-robs-paul budget.  I had had had to go to work.  But i feel like crap.  Mom has to earn the living but mom also needs to be there for the babies.  There is no winning there some times.  

Or is there?  I was going to come here and tear myself apart.  But you know what?  That happens.  I am not perfect.  And its about time that I...me...moi....start defining what success is and isn't.  In life as well as my weight loss journey.  And that's the idea that i walked away from the boards with this morning.  I am doing the BEST I can do with what i have.  I show up and suit up every day.  I am no longer hiding from things and people and my life.  I am present.  Sometimes its fabulous and sometimes its messy, but I continue to do what i think is best.  I am teachable, open-minded, and willing to change an idea that no longer works.  How is that not successful? 

OMG!  Aren't you tired?  Aren't you as tired as i am of trying to live up to someone else's standards and expectations of what we should or should not do, be, feel, say, think??  ugh.  I want to choose how my story goes.  I want to define what beautiful is and is not.  I want to define what being a good mom is and is not.  And it is up to me to determine what success is.   

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