I Want Change

Jul 21, 2010

I keep reading posts about how post-WLS results in many folks feeling more confident, able to do things they wouldn't have attempted before and the like. I haven't experienced any of this.

When I have attended support groups I hear people speak of formerly having self-loathing because they were "fat". They didn't care for their bodies, wear nice clothes and buy special things for themselves--feeling "unworthy". I have never felt this way. OK, I will tell the truth--I always felt like I am a special person. Yes, I am/was overweight (Ok, obese), but I am exceedingly smart, funny, talented, attractive and make the most of my assets. Sure, I wanted to be normal in weight, but I didn't hold off on dressing well or being good to myself waiting for that day. I have always felt that your attitude and self-acceptance are projected and influence what others think/feel about you. I didn't want to sabotage my own success with stinking thinking.

Now, to the point of this blog.....
Last summer I was abruptly fired from a job I LOVED. I worked for this hospital and was part of the senior team (I was a VP), since 1989. I was with the company for over 30 years. I had no counselling or warning of this termination and have been in shock, denial, grief, anger, etc. for the last year. It has been the worst year of my life--worse than breast cancer, divorce, and many other things I've overcome.

Immediately after losing my job, I thought, "OK, I will have time to get WLS, so let's just do it!" Unfortunately, the insurance I had didn't cover it, so I had to wait until this year when my plan changed. I had surgery in May, and for the last two months I have experienced a variety of challenges like all WLS patients do. But, bottom line, I don't feel better about anything. In fact, I now feel like I am probably never going to have a job I like, much less love. I will always be grieving this loss and asking, "Why?"

The emotions of a changing body and of losing a job that was very dear to me are all mixed up. I am hesitant about trying new things and now am really much less bold and adventurous than before. I have lost most of the friends I had with my job and now feel very isolated, except for one close friend from that job and the very limited number of friends I had outside my job. I just want to end the cycle of pitying myself, asking why/why/why, and allowing those who termed me to influence my future because of one single decision they made. 

It has occurred to me that I could possibly negatively affect my WLS success if I don't move beyond this. This is the first time I have written ANYTHING about this event and most who read this will probably think, "Wow, that gal needs therapy". I like therapy and have used this tool in the past. Right now, with limited funds I just don't have the money to see a therapist. Maybe posting my feelings and "talking" about this will be useful.

I want to find peace--with this situation, with my body and with what God has for my life. Jeremiah 29:11 is my life verse.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for hope and a future."

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