June 2004
I am still pre-op. I have been going around doing my consultations the surgeon requires. Dr. Garrison requires you see a Cardiologist, Pulminologist, Endrocronologist, Physical Therapist, Dietician, Psychologist, Gastroentrologist for an Endoscopy of your stomach, and have an Ultrasound of your abdomen. I am almost complete. I have the endoscope on July 21 and the endocronologist left. I previosly was having the surgery w/a different surgeon who didn't have all these consults required. This has been a real enlightenment. I am not nearly as ill as I once thought I was considering my obesity. My blood pressure is slightly elevated and my sugar from a test the previous surgeon requested but other that those I in great shape.. scarry huh.... I know .. I can't wait to be on the loosing side and not have to worry about co-morbidities that could occur.
4/12/05
Well here I am on 4/12/05 1 week and counting. Just finished my pre-admission testing this morning. I still have time to back out don't I. I don't really want to but I starting to think I may. I am seeing the surgeon on Thursday maybe I'll feel better after that. I now why I am feeling this way because my husband/fiance is not being attentive to be pre-surgery needs. I really want to go out to eat and he won't go. I'm so tired of hearing we have no money or he isn't feeling well. Yea.. I'm a bitch.. sorry.. I need something now and I'm not getting it so yes I am bitter... you better believe it.. I give and give-It's my turn now. I am concerned about what he going to do with rotties while I am in the hospital and that he is thinking I be rearriing to go when I leave the hospital and be able to do everything I do now.. I'm not fooling myself I know that is not the case. I am not really worried about the hospital or even the surgery.. just the recovery. I know I'm going to miss food.. I already am.. and not really dieting. Oh well I'm sure it will get better. Thanks for letting me rant.
4/13/05
Well today I am feeling alittle better. There has just been so much negitive news lately about wls. It is getting me down. I am trying to see past it.. Must see the positives. No more BP or Diabetes meds. YEA!!! hopefully. Able to walk without becoming breathless. Yea!!! Staying positive.
4/18/05
Well Tomorrow is my big day.. Bright and early at 7:30 am.. need to be at the hospital by 5:30. I can't believe it is already here. I saw the surgeon on 4/14 and he assured me all was going to go well, No special diet or prep's before hand. Yea!!!. Just trying to tie up my loose ends. I did my will an power of attorney today. Doing laundry now and making dinner. Kind of nervous, kind of excited. Oh boy... tell you more when I get home.
5/3/05
I'm back. Not working yet but home. Taking it slow.. Surgery went well the doc said. I had a rough time there for a few days I couldn't keep anything down. They did the upper gi and a cat scan and said I had no leaks and no obstruction. I started to feel better about day 4. Finally was able to keep something down.. it was probably the anestesia and morphine working themselves out of me that was making me sick. Not in any really pain. Discomfort and sore = like someone kicked me in the stomach. Had the staples removed last thursday and that was a relief. Still not drinking enough though. Trying but not quite there yet. I will I'm sure. Last week the doc's scale showing me down 25lb, that can't be right... I have to get a scale. I go back to see in a month but still on liquids.
6/10/05
Well I'm down a total of 50lbs...Yea!!!!!
Still having lots of problems with liquids and proteins. Starting to vomit alot...eating to fast or drinking to soon after eating or gulping too much liquid to swallow pills. Don't know what to do... Today tried to sip Isopure at work and it gave me horrible gass.. Called dr to see what I could take they suggested Gaviscon... made me vomit for almost 3 hrs. After my body calmed down I had some cup of soup.. mostly the broth. and of course more water. Doing ok with vitamins.Except iron really constipating me... last night I had to go and couldn't.. then I drank some water and began to vomit. What am I going to do... I can't continue on this vomitting path? As long as I stay on soft foods and liquids I am ok.... but I can't live the rest of my life this way either. I guess it will get easier at some point I am still realitively new to this at 8 weeks out.
8/5/05
Well,, I've been missing here haven't I... I am down to 256 that's 74 lbs if anyone is counting... I am... Feeling better. Trying not to dwell on food and water. Trying especially not to fall back into my grazing pattern. This is really hard with all the emotional turmoil going on right now between my would have been fiance of 10 years advising me he never loved me last month.. Really hard... I had my first salad this week and it was tollerated really well Grilled chicken ceasar salad... it was 3 meals.. ate mostly the chicken and some romaine and dressing.. I know not a good choice but only ate a little and over three sittings so I don't feel it was so bad...Had chili last week and that sits well but the london broil I made well that was another story... you see this grazing thing is bothering me.. twice this week I stopped at wendy's had baked potato w/bacon only.. only ate about half or less than that.. just needed potato's. Need to get back on track... I discovered this week Cottage Cheese w/splenda and cinnamon my new favorite protein.. also have started using Designer Whey-French vanilla since seeing Nutritionist last month.. and one way bars by designer whey.. They are like candy... shouldn't be labeled as protein bars. Well that's it for now.. Just wanted to update...
8/9/05
Well, I am now half way + 1 to my unofficial goal... I haven't really set myself a goal, but I've always thought 150 #'s would be nice to reach... Today, I'm thinking I can do it.. I really hate goals. All the past diets I've been on I was given a goal and always failed to get there. So this being said.. I am going to ignore I even wrote this and go on about my business.
The break up is still bringing me to tears.. We are so still connected it is really hard... we will be for a long while I think,,, financially that is at least... It's hard.. I cry alot and I worry about where my doggies will wind up.. He says they are his and he is taking them with him where ever he goes.. I know I can't.. I plan on moving to an apt (none take pets or least of all big dogs - Rotties) I love Snuggles and Dozer and only want the best for them. He tells me I can visit with them.. He is living with his new friend... I am really sort of angry about it, but it is probably best... all we do is fight but that is really because he turns everything I say around. I really don't want to fight with him. I just want him to be truthfull and admit this is because I had the surgery and he didn't. and the expense I incurred on top of it. He won't...Too bad he is loosing the best person he could have ever had as a friend... someday he'll see that I'm sure. I wish him lots of happiness.
Well other than that causing me to be depressed everything else seems ok I am eating, drinking, sleeping and breathing what more else could I want. See you soon... take care.
8/20/05
Well yesterday was a day of admission for my ex-fiance. He finally told me who the girl is and I say girl because she is a kid with a 9yr old kid too.. Are you sitting down.. It is the secretary from the dr's office I used to do my 6 months of supervised diet.. He was his families dr, I felt safe going there... I won't ever go there again. He is living with her.. I don't know I guess he is happy... he has always wanted a kid even though he always said he didn't// so now he has one. Still we are very connected financially that is and it will be a long time to come I believe... He just keeps rehashing old things and makes my cry and yell and fight with him.. I don't know.. he is doing it to hurt me deliberately.. I will not let him get the best of me anymore... I have decided that...
Now on to better things.
I ate 10 shrimp tonight with some romaine lettuce and bluecheese light dressing. It was a great meal. So pleased.. a little gassing but I am dealling with it..Yesterday my nut said I could have almonds.. finally officially in my diet== didn't want to tell her I've been having them for monthes.
I am down 80 lbs now... in 4 1/2 months. WOW
8/27/05
What a horrible week. Well now he told me they are getting Married.. can you believe it.. 10 years and never a plan ever made on this end. WOW... She's got him moving awlful fast. She told him to stay away from me. Guess he lied when he told me he was my friend.
Went to the endocronologist this week. Told her about my dizziness and she suggested stopping the BP med's and only taking the water pill. Sounds good to me. She did a partial blood test and everything looked good.. she sent me a script for a more comprehensive one.
Broke down at work this week after a call from ex. I told him he has to stop calling me. Manager suggested I call the EAP rep. She suggested I call Lifeworks. I will on Monday... She also offered to look for a counsellor for me to see. I hope it doesn't cost too much.
Well trying to get on with life is tough right now.. I feel like I am just waiting for the the eviction notice to come now.. What will I do.. Where will the dogs go.. I don't know.. I am so lost in everything right now... I really need a deversion. but what? I really want to go to the shore but It's too late...the summer is over here in Jersey. not to mention the money it costs and again what do I do with the dogs.
see ya next week.
9/11/05
Well, I am starting to get used to being alone. I will miss my doggies when my ex finally takes them. I think I may have found an apartment to live in locally.. yea!!. I want to stay in this area. I am awaiting approval.
I went to a support group meeting yesterday.. it was about nutrition and I found it very interesting. I enjoyed it. Hope they have more like it.. didn't like paying $5 to park.
I made flounder almondine from a recipe on the SouthBeach diet site.. It is really good.. I'll be having some more in a little while..
I had my blood drawn last week for my post op visit this week.. also for my endrocronologist.. surprised she hasn't called me yet with results. maybe because of the holiday..
Not much to report loosing weight but it seems to be slowing down some..
See you latter
9/18/05
Well this was a very uneventfull week.. Food is coming easier now and I went to the surgeon for a 5 month followup and I am just fine.. I have had a very uneventful surgery followup and that is a good thing. Things with my ex seem to be getting better the further we distance ourselves. I am still waiting on the apartment I like. I hope I get it.. for the price I can't complain.. it's small but its only me and since I am shrinking it'll seem bigger before I know it...
I am inching my way to the 100 lb mark.. these 10 lbs have been the hardest. I can't wait till I can say I've lost 100 lbs.. that is a person in some parts of the world. Although 236 is not really feeling any smaller than 280 was...I guess it's true it takes time for your brain to catch up.. Well see ya next week. DJ
9/29/05
What a busy week this has been... trying to find somewhere to move, pack, work and just life... Not much to say right now.. but I am down 100 lbs now at 5 months and 1 week.. Yea!!!!
10/8/05
Well, the scale is not moving.. I am stressed.
I started a part time job yesterday and am moving the end of this week. Packing and shopping for the new apartment is really tiring. Can't wait to just be there. My ex says he is going to help me move I sure hope he doesn't back out. I don't think things are going to well for him, everytime I see him or talk to him he seems so angry... I don't think it's because of me I think there is something he isn't sharing with me... I'd like to help if I could but I know if I press him to tell me he will get angry to me, and I don't want or need that. Well since I am packing up our house and giving him this computer I probably won't be updating for some time. But as soon as I get another computer I'll be back. Good luck everyone and happy loosing.
10/26/05
Well its' been a tough 2 weeks.. sorry I haven't updated.. I moved and am working 2 jobs.. wow this is tough.. I don't know how people do it.. Ex still hassling me.. he is always angry... My brother came through and helped my move and them my ex moved my furniture for me.. all I need is a couch and I'll have a complete apartment. I went to the dietician.. she is so pleased with my progress. I am too.. but sometimes it depresses me.. I have lost so much but when I look at me I still see the fat lady...114 lbs and still fat.. clothes too big... no money to buy new clothes that I'll just shrink out of.. what to do. Yesterday I discovered sugar doesn't make me dump.. I ate 1/2 a butterfinger bar. oh what a mixed blessing.. but I do dump on fat and grease. I can't wait till my computer at home is hooked up..
write soon
November 4, 2005
WOW what a week.. I've worked and worked and worked some more the last two weeks. over 60 hrs each week. Boy am I tired.
I still haven't bought a couch.. but found new bills that need to be paid first.
The scale hasn't moved... really having trouble getting in the water with this new p/t job.. can't drink on the job.
I am finding living alone depressing. but trying to stay positive. I haven't cooked for myself in weeks and if I could find the time I think it would make me feel better.
Well see you all next week same place hopefully lighter.
November 16, 2005
Wow... 124 lbs gone...
The endo found a nodule on my thyroid yesterday and wants to do an ultrasound in Febuary when I see her next.. Don't know if I should worry or not.. She said you can have one and the thyroid still work properly.. I just don't know
December 13, 2005
Wow... is it cold here today... Winter is finally here in Jersey....
Well I am down to 199.... what a milestone.. I can't remember when I weighed this weight last.. probably about 20-25 years ago.
I have been really bad on my diet... giving in to the holiday and winter temptations.
Well to update the thyroid issue: I have 2 nodules one on each but each less than a center meter so the endo said to do nothing at this time and to watch them since they were never noticed before because of all the fat in my neck I had. We'll do another ultrasound in @ 6 monthes or so.
Still suffering with dealling with the split from my Fiance. but socially I was invited to New Years by my new supper at my appartment and a guy I work with has been very friendly also... so I think I am progressing at getting back into the world of the living.
Christmas has me a little depressed and I miss my rotties so much.. but my brother has been really great and I am going to his house for the holiday.. friends have sent me cards..
So life goes on....
Have a great day and happy holidays..
January 23, 2006
Happy New Year..
I haven't posted in a while.. sorry..
The holidays were better than expected. I didn't gain and I didn't loose but that is ok.
I joined the gym, not really getting the hang of going regularly yet.
I went out on 2 dates. It was a little awkward. Don't know if he likes me or not.. He knows about my surgery.. I told him up front because we went to eat.. we work together and eveyone else there knows. I was surprised he didn't. We went to NYC friday it was fun we hung out.. went to Top of the Rock at Rockerfeller center and Planet Hollywood. I thought we had a good time but he didn't call.. the next night like he said he was going to.. He has bad follow thru skills. Funny thing is there is a lot of personal traits that remind me of my ex here and that scairs me or is just the male thing I don't know.. He is what some might say a gentleman but others may say not appreciative of a woman.. He hasn't touched me but he also isn't always the most gentlemanly.. opening doors and that kind of thing.. I like that and it makes me feel good and his lack of physical attention to me is really getting me down.. probably time to move on.. but something is telling me to give him a chance. I don't know...
Work is crazy.. too much of it..
The Ex is a challenging relationship at best. It's up it's down. Time to cut ties and tie up loose ends I think.. It's got to end sometime. Just gotta do it I guess. It will be up to me to make this happen. Wish me luck.
See you soon.
January 24,2006
Well I know it's only been a day, but my life is too short to not post here. .. Lately I haven't been feeling so great about life. I think depression is taking me over. I have lost alot this last year not just weight but personal strength. Not just a man or a relationship but the security that comes from having someone to come home to. I miss my rotties and not that my man was any great catch he was someone I thought cared even if it wasn't as much as I'd have liked it to have been. I still can't believe how easily he moved on and I am still struggling everyday just to get out of bed. I am trying to move on but its' so tough. I worry what each day will bring and If I'll be able to handle what will come. I am loosing hair and I am sure it is stress related as well as related to wls nutritional imbalances but still it makes me feel ugly. I hate looking at my body and the skin and wonder if this was worth these horrible feelings I am having about myself. I sometimes think I am going to just wake up and this will have all been a dream or a nightmare but then I do wake up and realize it all really happened. I don't know if I'd have done this to me if it wasn't for that man who used to be beside me pushing me along. Should I be thankful or regretful or hate him for what has become of me.
April 2007
WOW it has been along time since I have updated here... sorry..
What can I say.. I have been trying to normalize my life. It has been 2 yrs since my surgery.. I have gained about 30-40lbs back.. I try effortlessly to get them to go away and cannot find the willpower to get back on track. Help, yes I need it.. Where and how to get it and afford it are another story. Life has left me with money troubles and no support to fall back on as you have probable read above.. I am now facing having my thyroid out due to nodules and everyone is saying it is no big deal but it is not their body part is it... Well depression is a pretty regular existance for me these days. I don't have much happiness or joy to spread. Work is work and not fun or enjoyable just a necessity. Exercise I cannot find time for... I wish I could but I am always working and when I am not I am either exhausted or trying to clean my appartment or do laundry. My wardrobe is really killing me.. I threw away my bigger clothes and now I am starting to need them. Man.. I could say life isn't fair but I know that would be a cop out. I try everyday in everyway to get out of this rut, but to no avail I am still here. I thougt work would help but it has only proven that the more you give the more they take from you.... Well.. enough wallowing.... I have to move on... I'll be back...
