GAHP
Hi! I am not quite sure where to start, but I think that expressing what I have going on could be beneficial to me. I have never been a skinny person. I have actually always been big, even if not always in weight. I am a 5'10 woman, which is not very common, especially where I grew up. All the women in my mom's side of the family are quite small, so even when I wasn't even chubby I was always huge in comparison. The two people I was closest to growing up were both super petite, and here I was probably a head and a half taller with my giant hands and feet haha. They ate like monsters and were tiny, I ate a portion of that and was "the big one". Puzzling to me. My image/weight/struggle with food were exacerbated by the fact that my mother has always had major image and self-esteem issues and the majority of the things she imparted on me about my weight and appearance put pressures and judgment on me that I should not have had. Looking back at pictures of me during HS, I looked damn good! But I thought I was fat, or at least overweight, not skinny enough.
My true weight gain began when I left the country for college. I went through some rough years battling with depression and an emotionally overbearing and abusive relationship. My eating habits weren't great but I also began to go out drinking a lot with my friends. Those empty calories...
My weight issue has been like being stuck in an escalator, walking and walking but getting nowhere. I had found that losing weight for me just seemed harder than everyone else around me. I had a personal trainer and a nutritionist for well over a year, the weight and the damn clothing size would never budge! I feel like someone can only maintain the motivation to work their ass off and have crazy restrictive diets and get no results for so long. I decided to not care about the scale anymore and just enjoy my life when I discovered horseback riding. At that moment in my life I had never been happier. Till I fell off the horse and broke my back in 5 places and dislocated my hip. The recovery was brutal and I will never be the same. There is still pain because of a herniated disk, arthritis in another and sacroilitis. But also that was the end of something that made me feel so complete. It is hard to explain, but it was like therapy. No matter how stressed I was the moment I entered the barn it was all gone. No matter how crappy my day was I had that time to look forward to. It grounded me and balanced me. I don't know...It was very difficult for me when I had to stop. So abruptly just never going back to this place that made me so happy. It was a huge loss for me, like losing someone that was there for you and helped you make sense of things. The weight began to creep up steadily after that even though I was actively exercising and doing strengthening exercises as well as eating healthily. To cut the story short, I have had all sorts of issues with my hormones, my thyroid, nodules, PCOS, metabolic syndrome, and postpartum depression. A year and a half after giving birth to my healthy and perfect little man, I am at the biggest I have been at 280 pounds.
My husband (greatest man ever) is in shape and works out routinely. We eat healthy foods, don't eat out or order in often and don't do fast foods. We don't even buy sodas or fruit juices, chips, candy, etc. I haven't eaten ice cream in months! Yet my hubby loses weight and I just keep on ballooning. I just can't stand it anymore. He is the most supportive person ever, but he just doesn't understand just how exhausted I am of trying and failing over and over again. Not even just the fact that I have stalled, but that I kept getting bigger and bigger. He “believes in me” in the sense that If I just try hard enough I can lose it without resorting to anything artificial. Thanks sweetie for the vote of confidence, but It is like a double edged sword because it makes me happy that he thinks so highly of me, but it also hurts me cause I KNOW I can’t! And it is like not only am I not able to climb this mountain but I am also disappointing him because I can’t do it alone.
I am at the point where I don't even want to try anymore, cause I know it will just be another instance of failure. Failing just drains me. When I am down because of my weight he tries to motivate me but I honestly am tired of hoping against hope that it'll go anywhere. Since I started having problems with my hormones a couple of years ago I have failed to lose any weight. Yes, I could try harder. There are people who lose over 100 pounds with just diet and exercise, but I know myself at this point. I have been struggling with my weight all of my adult life. I know my tendencies and abilities and even though I enjoy working out and I don't hate eating healthy foods, I am just tried of trying that. I need help. I realize that the amount of weight I have to lose may not be as much as many of you, but I still am about 120 lbs overweight and that is a lot.
There have been a lot of health issues in my family due to obesity and I just don't want to get there, but it seems I am headed that way fast! I considered the Orbera Balloon, but the maximum amount of weight I can lose will likely leave me between 230-250 (big range). And then what? I have been there before. And I would still have about 70 pounds more to go! What would be different this time? I would still be able to use food when I am stressed or bored and I will still have the genetic and hormonal predispositions to gain it all back. It'll just be money and time down the drain.
Instead, I have spoken to the nurse coordinator where I was going to do the balloon procedure about having a sleeve gastrectomy. She tells me that I qualify for it and that instead of the 30-50 lbs from Orbera, I could 60% of my extra weight within the first year. I know it isn't easy. I have been reading a lot about it online and I know it is a lifelong thing and that I will never be able to eat as I have before and that it will be HARD. I don’t mind hard knowing that I will be getting somewhere and that I will be able to actually stay there! I am not afraid of the surgery, I am not afraid of the pain. I am scared of not being able to eat all the nutrients and vitamins I need and that it might affect me when we decide to have our second child in a couple of years. But I am reading here that it has been done before and that it just takes a little more presence of mind and some more work, but that it shouldn’t be an issue.
My husband does NOT want me to do it. My mother and father would likely be supportive of me and so would my friends but they aaaall live outside the country. I have exactly 0 friends were I live now. Fun. I need this community and those there might be around me so that there can be people who understand what I feel and what I am going through and what I will be going through. I still don’t have a date or anything like that set for the surgery, I am just starting the process and I hope my husband will accept my decision and support me anyways. But for now I am just waiting. There is a seminar on October 4th that I plan to attend to learn more and then I have an appointment ends of October with the surgeon. Once I have made up my mind, waiting sucks. I am not a super patient person. I am just ready to do this and feel better and be healthier. Having the weight off will help with my back problems, my hormones, my depression, my bad knees, the ankle I have broken so many times….Everything! I just don’t have all the patience and all the time in the world to just keep waiting and praying and hoping that maybe I will be able to lose this weight within the next 2 years so that I can safely get pregnant again. It is a tough and scary decision to make, especially when my other half is so scared of it, but I am not. I see all your success stories and it inspires me so much. I highly doubt anyone is reading his far into my long-ass story haha, but if you are, I need another fellow fat friend (I have 0 of those)! To this journey happening and all my sleeve-dreams coming true! Cheers!
