LostStar
I am a forty-one year old mom of three kids who likes to write in her spare time. I have two novels I have ready to publish, but like with having this surgery, I've been afraid to pull the trigger.A therapist once told me that I'm afraid of success so that's why I continue to sabotage myself.I'm comfortable in failure but success means change, and I don't like change. I think she was right.
I think I'm afraid to lose the weight and be noticed again, because when you're fat, you're pretty much invisisble. People either don't see you or they pretend they don't see you, and I've been fine with that. But a couple weeks ago, I was at Panera with my best friend and a childhood friend came to the table and started talking to her. He and I were so close from grade school through high school. In fact, I'm the reason those two clowns knew each other at all. So, he came up and asked my friend if he remembered her, and didn't even acknoledge my presence. Not even, "Hey Stacy, it's been a long time." Or "Whatcha eating?"
Nothing.
I've been kicked off roller coasters and embarrassed myself thoroughly on planes, but that was pretty damn uncomfortable. I think that may have been it. You know, the moment when everything changed. I actually saw him a month before that at our kid's school book fair. I had the intense feeling someone was staring at me, and when I looked it was him. But as soon as he caught my eye, he quickly looked away. I went home and told my husband about it, shaking it off as maybe he didn't know what to say, even though I'm thinking "Wow, she got big." I think I'm done. I think I'm finally ready for some success. If you would ask me if I could have three wishes, my first two would always be lose the weight and publish my books. Of course the third is world peace, but I don't even think God is that big of a miracle worker these days to accomplish that task.
So, here I am hoping my decision, and wish, will be granted and I'll be approved for the sleeve surgery at University of Chicago. I'm hoping I can have this done by March or April. I'm hoping to find the person I used to be. I'm hoping I can publish my books and find the confidence to keep writing and publishing my books. I hope I can make my kids and husband proud, and I really hope I can finally make me proud.
