Amanda S.

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

Had another 0.3cc removed today.  I woke up at 5am with a buring and tightness in my middle lower chest.  I had a PB on Saturday on some Quinoa.  Went to see the doctor today just to make sure all is well but because I may or may not be pregnant we could not look at my band under floro. 

I won't be able to take the pregnancy test until next weekend and even when I do I will not tell people until I'm through the first trimester.  So don't come asking.   This time we want to wait to tell just in case I miscarry again its hard telling people or having people check on you months later when they didn't know.  So we will wait.

Doctors orders are foods that are easy on the tummy and tums.  They think its just inflamed and needs some time to relax but so do I.  I currently only have 1.7cc in a 4cc band or at least that is what they are telling me.  I asked why I keep needing unfills.  I know one is for the weight I have gained but I guess the others could be due to stress.  Stress of getting pregnant, and other life troubles.  

I still continue to stuggle with my eating I started the Daniel Fast on Jan 11 in the hopes that getting closer to God would help me work out my thoughts and struggles I do believe it was helping.  But I am going to put it on hold for a couple days to let my belly rest.  God will understand.

Daniel Fast = All Fruits, All Veggies, Whole Grains, Nuts & Seeds,  Legumes, Soy Products, Quality Oils, Water and you can use spices.  (Kinda like a vegan diet)  Lots and lots and lots of fiber so I would add Imodium to your diet if you plan to try this.

The other thing that I've decided is I will no longer focus on that number on the scale.  When I see the Dr.  I get on the scale backward so I can't see the number.  All they tell me is if its a loss or gain (not how much).  I need to take my power back.  It's not about that number, its not about the number on my clothes,  It is about getting healthy and making good choices for me, mind, body and spirit.  If I get those in line the weight will come off but that number is just not important.  The focus is on fixing my thoughts so I stop using food as my drug.  It's hard but do-able.

Well over the weekend I had two major PBing eposides.  Got an unfill today 0.5cc.  All this weight gain I think is what is affecting my band.  I will get back to "normal" again at some point.  Just have to be kind and patient with myself right now.  I'm dealing with a lot of emotions and my way to soothe is with food.  I'm looking for other things to use instead but not having much luck finding something with a similar sensation as food gives me.

Todays unfill was one of the most painful I've ever had.  IT HURT! and Dr. Curry is the one who did it.  I've never had a painful adjustment when he has done them.  I'm amazed.  I don't know if the numbing stuff just didn't do its job or if I have built up scar tissue like Dr. C said.  But I'll tell you if this had been my first ever adjustment I don't think I would ever return it was that painful.

I do need to focus on my food choices they have been very poor.  I know I can find my way again.  I just hope it doesn't take putting all the weight back on to slap me in the face.  I am working on things but I'm starting to think my brain is getting in the way.

The weight gain is also making my ankles hurt very badly.  Never realized just how much 30lbs can affect your body.  I'm feeling it big time.

My therapist talked to me about changing the way I rate me days.  Example: if I binge bad day, If I don't binge good day is the way I used to think about it.  Well she suggested that I consider a binge normal day.  So no matter what, binge is the starting scale for the day.  Then I rate the day based on the amount of binge.  Little, Big.  By giving my self the permission to binge and by changing my thinking from good to bad I have lessened the amount of binging going on.  The power of the binge has been removed.  Do I still binge? yes but it is less amounts of food and fewer days during the week.  I feel like I'm regaining my power.

I'm also working on just plain being kinder to myself.  Loving my body right where it is.  Would I like to loose more? of course.  But if I take the focus off the weight loss and more on the health gain and just being happy right where I am it's much less stressful.  I'm increasing my exercise, I'm finding other things to do than eat, I'm starting to take care of my needs in a different way.  What a powerful feeling this is.

I feel like I'm back on track again.  This time baby steps and progress will be made.  I may slip up even again but I now know it will be a little easier to find my way back.  I'm so glad I reached out for help and didn't just wait until it was too late.

My eating is out of control.  I've gained 30lbs in just over a year.  It breaks my heart that I'm headed back into the place I was before surgery.  I thought surgery was the fix but it was just another band aid.  My emotions are soothed by food and I just feel like I can't stop.  I don't want to get back to that place where I feel trapped by my body.  I know it's not healthy to eat this way.  I just can't stop.  I want to get my brain back on track.  At this point it's about how I think.  I know I'm bored, lonely, sad, angry and all these intense feelings are what is standing in my way of not giving up the food as comfort.  Time for some new changes.

I feel so broken and I keep trying to fix me with food.  I feel trapped by food and starting to feel trapped by my body and thoughts.  The thoughts of food consume every moment of every day for me lately.  I think about what how and when I will eat from the moment I get up to the moment I go to sleep.  It's almost like I think about nothing else.  It is tiresome to live this way.  I truly believed that my surgery was the key but I've learned its not going to work if my brain isn't on board with everything.

I'm in therapy for food and life.  I meet with the dietitian.  I try to exercise as least 3 times a week.  I'm taking the steps but I just don't feel like I'm making progress and when I do its like 2 steps forward 3 steps back. 

Someone once said to me "no food tastes as good as thin feels" to me food is everything and it does feel better to me then thin.  Don't get me wrong thin feels good but to me food tastes better.

I know the rules, I know how to eat right, but yet my brain keeps over riding all my knowledge and sending me to a place where I overeat and eat the foods I know I should limit.

I have to say that I feel like a failure and though I know it took me more than 3 years to put all the weight on and I should be kinder to myself and know that even if it takes 10 years to take it off I'm ahead of the game.  But the fact that I've gained so much in such a short time scares me.

On the intellectual level I'm doing things right but in the moment I'm trapped by food and thoughts of food.  I will get through this.  I will find that place where I'm losing again but right now in this moment I am struggling BAD.

Dear Tristan,

On Sunday, God took you home.  I never heard your little heartbeat. I never saw an image. I didn’t even know whether you were a little girl or boy. That doesn’t mean I didn’t love and bond with you my little angel.  I am now left with this hole and ache in my heart.  Did you have a soul yet? I feel that a piece of my soul left when I lost you.  How is it so possible to love something so much that you can hurt in ways you never knew.  I never saw your smile, I never touched your little face but you left little footprints on my heart.  I never got to hear you laugh or cry.  Now I cry for the both of us.  Each tear I cry helps to heal the hurt and loss I am experiencing.  I cry out for you.  My arms are empty.  My soul aches. I feel broken.  I feel so lost. 

I remind myself that you are in paradise with the same God that gave you to me.  The God that blessed my life with having you as a part of me in the first place.  The same God that is going to use the experience for a purpose in my life.  I don’t have the answers and I know in time they will be revealed for now I mourn, for now I cry, for now and always I will miss you my little angel.

My dearest baby you are safe in the arms of God along with your grandma and grandpa.   I picture all of you together smiling down on me.  That image warms my heart if only for a moment.  I know time will help heal the hurt I feel.  But for now I mourn you, for now I cry, for now I sit in my grief and wonder about you.  I love you my baby. 

Love,

Mommy

Not much to report.  I'm currently 10 1/2 weeks along.  I'm uncomfortable in my own skin right now. Can't find clothes that fit right.  I want to get back to exercise but I know its going to be slow going.  I get light headed when I exercise.  Doc says its just my body's way of responding to pregnancy.  I spend way to much time online and watching TV.  I did have a scare earlier this week on the same day I got my flu shot I starting having light spotting and cramps but they were very mild and went away so doc says nothing to be concerned about at this time.  So I'm just a walking oven with a cooking human inside.  I guess no new is good news.  Thanks to those of you that check on me and actually read this stuff.

Well the last few nights I have taken about 3 hours to fall asleep.  Then I only sleep for about 3 hours at a time.  I feel like I've developed restless leg syndrome.  I just can't get comfortable when I lay down.  My hips, my legs, my back it all hurts.  Sometimes I wonder if I"m further along than 6 weeks with all things going on with me.  When I walk my ankles and hips hurt.  When I sleep things hurt.  I guess if I have to have pain and no sleep over morning sickness I'll take it.  I haven't had any morning sickness and it does not run in the family so I might be spared from that but still have to deal with the body aches.  I just want to be able to sleep cause when I can't sleep I tend to want to eat.  I'm so worried about gaining too much weight.  Since I reach my lowest weight last year I have gained 20 lbs and since the 20 lbs I've already gained 6 since I got pregnant thats one pound each week at that rate I'll gain 35-40 lbs.  Please NO!  Doc only wants me to gain 15 which means I can only gain 9 more pounds.  Because of the ankle and hip pain I don't want to exercise so I've be skipping days again.  I know exercise really does help keep me on track but its hard when your in pain.  I don't see the Doc until Sept 14 so I have to wait a couple more weeks.  I'm just worried too that if I have this much pain now what will I be like in 7-8 months.  Well if anybody has any suggestions for help with the body pain please let me know.    Plus any sleep help.  I've tried reading, meditation, TV,  all of which normally works but now nothing seems to work.  I just have to fall down exhausted to sleep I guess.  I just keep reminding myself all of this is worth it in the end - I'll finally be a mommy.

Not sure if its hormones or if its mourning the loss of my job.  But I feel blue.  I don't want to do anything but eat and sleep.   I'm forcing myself to get some exercise.  Trying to do things with my husband.  I have plenty I could be doing around the house.  Need to the clean up the room that will be Baby's room.  Its storage right now.  I could clean. I could even scrapbook but I just want nothing to do with any of it.

I just don't feel like myself.  I feel like I should be the happiest person on the planet because one of my life goals is coming true.  But I just feel Blue.  I see my therapist soon I may need to try to get in earlier if this keeps up.  I really hope it only has to do with my job loss and not knowing what step I should take next.  The plan was to be a stay at home mom and now that I am pregnant I feel guilty if I pick up a job and leave in 8 months.  If only the lay off had come 6 or 7 months later that would have been a little more ideal however as I have learned its not on my time line.  Its God's time its God's plan.  I may not understand his plan but I trust everything has been put into action for a reason.  I just have to be patient and wait and see how things unfold.

I'm going to be a mommy.  I'm pregnant.  Due in April.

Last Thrusday I was the winner of the Lay Off Lottery.  I'm moving through the loss process.  I'm hurt, I'm relieved, I'm hurt, I'm scared, I'm a little lost.  The good news I've been back to exercising more regularly.  About 1 1/2 hours to 2 hours a day.  My body is feeling it.  Its a good thing because the pain almost distracts me from whats going on in my head.  I guess its time to work off the 20lbs I've gained over the last few months.  God has a plan for me who knows what it might be.  Who knows maybe its just time to drop the weight in time to gain the weight of a new baby.  We are working on it with no luck yet but soon I just know it!

I'm still working on my binge eating.  I so wish there was a tool to fix my brain the way the band has fixed my belly.  I hate that I have learned how to eat around my band but I'm still better off than I was what just over two years ago.  I know there will be freedom in my head someday.  I just have to learn to replace those messages that play in my head with message that make things better not worse.  Yes being laid off has not made it any better but at least I'm working out and back into the routine of exercising.