Next stop, Crazy Town!

Aug 28, 2014

I just had the hardest moment I've had since surgery...a colleague is retiring and today is her last day and there was cake. A big, beautiful yellow cake with vanilla icing and some sort of pudding filling. I don't know about you, but I have a weakness for store-bought cake, I think it comes from my mom always baking our birthday cakes (which I know is lovely and I loved those cakes too, but there's just something about the sickeningly sweet store-bought frosting that I always LOVED). 

First I just didn't join in the celebration - I stayed at the public desk and let everyone else go celebrate. Then when it was all done and no one was there to see (seriously), I cut a teeny tiny slice. It was perfect. It was not even the size of my pinky, but it satisfied my desire for the cake. I logged it and felt fine about the indulgence. But then I had to walk by said cake over and over, it was in the break room, that's where the bathrooms are and drinking 100oz a day, I can't tell you how many times I pee!!! Anyway, I walked by and walked by it - then I ate a little tiny swipe of icing, oops. Then I went to lunch - it was fine. An extra swipe of icing, it wasn't smart, but it wasn't a huge deal. I added a little to what I had already logged.

But I just got back to work and the break room was empty and I just...went crazy! I ate another tiny bite of icing. Then another and then another and then I literally thought "Eff it, I might as well cut another little slice!" and I did! I know that type of thinking is what got me to almost 300 pounds and needing WLS in the first place. This is literally the first time in the 5 months since surgery that I had that thought or even felt like that at all. The initial indulgence was fine - but man, I went overboard. And now my pouch is unhappy with me and I'm unhappy with me. In reality I'm sure what I ate (this morning and just now) doesn't even amount to more than around 150 calories total, but...

I won't dwell on this too much. I'll chalk it up to no one can ever be perfect - but I do want to acknowledge this slip and think a little more on why I would do this to myself. Why, even when I was so upset this morning when my scale hadn't moved, I did this. Why, even though I've loved all the positive feedback, I would do this. Ugh! Just another remember that they didn't do surgery on my head, only my guts!

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