BoweryBetty

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Thank you for welcoming me back.  Thank you for taking the time to care.  It feels like coming home, even though I feel so off-balance.  So many things have happened.  I lost two dear friends to cancer in late 2010 and that threw me down hard.  I fell out of line with working towards surgery and grieved hard.  But now I'm back.  More healed and focused on change. Some news I can report is, as of this morning, I called the office of the surgeon I was working with at the time I lost my footing on my journey in 2010 and I'm now scheduled for a workshop orientation in October to help me get back in-line for RNY surgery.  I have so much catching up to do.  This evening I'm going to dip my toes back into the forums and see what's new and inspirational.  I hope everyone out there has a peaceful night ahead and a great Friday tomorrow x0x

I'm back.

I'm really, really struggling with my head.  I've been feeling like a failure because (hmmmm....what else?) I gave into a few binges...and REGAINED THE WEIGHT I LOST.  So, as of a few days ago...I was back up to 362 again.  I feel so ashamed.  But I'm trying HARD to get back on track and challenge myself on the reasons why I binged.  I've been lurking on the boards...reading meltingmama and lisa sargese's blogs...watching the wls YouTubers who've been posting on all sorts of issues -- especially the new post-ops like designsbypatricia.  And I watched my first episode of BariatricTV.  And I'm feeling inspired.  I took some "before" pics of myself -- really REAL pics of me in my bra and I've posted several of them around my apartment to remind me of what I'm working towards.  They are ooooh-so-very sobering.

So, I'm climbing back on-track now...I've been riding my stationery bike a few times a day for the past several days in addition to getting back to the shakes and low sugar/low carb protein bars, cucumbers and water.  And, as of today, I'm down to 357.   I'm back to keeping track of my food on mydailyplate.  I keep thinking about it like how I try to stay on top of my checkbook and household spending -- this is what I NEED to do to keep myself in check.  I need to remember how good it makes me feel to accomplish my nutritional goals -- and the weight loss goal for surgery.  I've waited so long for wls.  I'm tired of this sabotage -- What the fuck am I doing?  I think I know the answers....it's partly fear of losing my "protective cushion" to the way I interact (or don't interact) with the world...and partly that I don't feel worthy of being happy and healthy.  Sweet goddess...I'm soooo grateful I'm in therapy. 

Okay.  Little detour.  Saw the surgeon on Thursday...he poked at my belly...and announced he now wants me to lose 10 more pounds.  And surgery is pushed back to 6 weeks.  But he swears he'll make it sooner if I lose the weight faster.  I wrote my target weight on 2 pieces of big paper.  Posted one on my fridge door.  And one above my computer.  I want this sooo bad.  Sigh.  Shakes...shakes...shakes....water...water...water.....walk....walk....walk.

The past few years have been really crazy.  Going through a lot and trying hard to fight back.  Like so many other folks, my road to wls has been really bumpy.  Frustrating highs, shattering lows...and some hopeful plateaus and middleground.  I had my heart set on having DS surgery with Dr. Rabkin in SF, but he doesn't accept Medicare (I had Kaiser coverage at one point, but once I stopped working I lost it) and I was unable to locate anyone else in my area who would do it -- and I definitely don't have the income where I could afford to travel to find a DS surgeon.  So, I thought long and hard on my next best choice -- RNY.  I made the decision, began searching for surgeons in my area and found the bariatric program at Alta Bates Summit Medical Center in Oakland.  I went through all of the pre-op testing, orientations, meetings and evals.  Now I'm waiting to hear if Medicare will give their approval...and I have a tentative surgery date scheduled for 8am on May 4th.  Did I really just write that??  

I'm doing their pre-op liver shrink diet (I need to lose between 20-25lbs before surgery).  I've been struggling with the weight loss since December when the surgeon told me how much I needed to lose.  I actually lost 17 lbs towards the end of December, but then (what else?) I began to have "last supper syndrome" fever.  By the time this month rolled around I had gained back all 17lbs plus MORE.  I still feel so ashamed and down about it, but I'm trying to stay focused and get back on track. 

The staff at Alta Bates -- particularly Helen, has been really supportive.  She and several other members of the team have actually had wls (she had the RNY).  She told me not to freak out and helped me jump-start my weight loss.  I'm down 10 lbs today.  I'm back to using mydailyplate at livestrong.com and that's helping a lot.  It's really hard for me to walk for long periods (and I'm really self-conscious of how I look when I walk in public -- I kind of waddle back-and-forth when I walk) but I made it up to 15 minutes today walking in my neighborhood -- that's longer than I've done in the past few years.   I went walking yesterday and today was my second day.  I want so bad to keep it up.  I've been focusing on how good I felt -- like the way my stomach muscles and buttocks felt like they were actually doing something.  It felt good.  Still can't believe I've done it 2 days in a row.  I'm trying hard to not weight myself every few hours like I had been doing.  Drove me nuttier than I already am!  So, now I'm down to once in the morning and once in the evening at bedtime.  I'm 354 today.  I guess well see what happens.  Wish me luck

It's 1.01pm...and I just got a call from my surgeon's office.  They finally received my psychiatrist's eval...and I'm now tentatively scheduled for my RNY on May 4th @ 6am.  Did I just type that???  I'm not totally doing the happy dance yet, though, because now the next step is insurance approval.  And I'm still working on those 20-30lbs.  Did I mention that I gave into a binge and gained a couple??  Talk about sabotage.  I have a date.  A TENTATIVE date.  I can't believe it. 

Can't believe how things have been progressing.  Had my nutrition eval last Thursday aaaaaand....that's it.  I'm done with the big pre-op requirements.  NOW everything is hinging on my losing 25 to 30 pounds for surgery.  The holidaze were so hard, but I'm glad it's over.  I could give two shits about V-day and Easter.  Since I'm not sharing a kitchen with my housemates anymore (we moved to a bigger house and now I've got my own kitchen), I'm not so tempted to graze with Valentine's or Easter candies and chips and what-not lying around.  Crystal has given me her stationary bike and it's really been helping me get moving on these rainy winter days we've been having. I've even been getting off the bus a stop or two before my street so I can walk a little further.  I'm still not totally comfortable walking around in public, though, but I'm trying.   Is this really happening?  Am I really this close?  It just doesn't seem real yet. 

I'm so glad the holidaze are beginning to wind down.  My blues have really been kicking up a storm in my head.  And all roads lead to over-eating to soothe them away.  But I'm trying HARD...SO HARD to battle against it.  Some days have been better than others.  But I'm trying not to give up.  I can check 3 more tasks off my pre-op to-do list -- Bloodwork (done on 12/22)...CHECK....Abdominal UltraSound (also done on 12/22)...CHECK....and pre-op support group (also done on 12/22)...CHECK!  Next up -- Psych eval on 1/6 with my personal therapist & psychiatrist (YAY! A tag-team!)....and Nutrition eval @ the bariatric clinic on 1/14.  I still have 30 lbs to lose before surgery and I've really been stumbling these past few weeks. I need to get back on track, like YESTERDAY!!

Another pre-op task done...several more to go.  My mind is STILL reeling from yesterday.  Met with the surgeon, Dr. Upadhyay, and had a long talk.  He asked his questions and I asked mine.  And in the end he said the RNY looks like the perfect choice.  So....it's official.  I'm on the pre-op road towards surgery.  The patient rep found an immediate opening (meaning TODAY!) for me to have an edoscopy and I just got home from having it done.  I'm still really woozy, but not quite as sedated as when Crystal picked me up from the hospital.  I'm so grateful there was an opening.  According to DeAngela (the patient rep), the doc is going to leave the country in the latter part of the month and return in early January....but then he'll be flying out again in the latter part of January.  She's trying to give me a good chance at possibly having surgery in early January (did I just say EARLY JANUARY!!?).  All I have left to do is my bloodwork, psych eval (they're letting me use my own personal therapist), nutrition eval, abdominal ultra-sound (set for 12/11), and the pre-op support group session on 12/22.  And, the 'biggest' must-do before surgery (drumroll, please...) -- I need to lose 25 to 30 lbs before I get anywhere near the operating table.  I am so blown away by everything right now...I still can't believe this is happening.  After all of this time?  All of these years?  Is wls finally becoming a reality for me? 

Next step....check.  Just got back from my mandatory nutrition and exercise class at the bariatric center.  So much info.  So much I already knew from the time I've spent on OH...and so many more good reminders about the realities of the RNY.  I'm still a bit bummed & cranky about the DS issue and having to switch horses...but my mind is made up now.  No band or sleeve for me.  RNY all the way.  Next step?  [And I still can't believe it] Sit-down with the surgeon on 12/3.  After all of this time -- these YEARS...I'll finally talk with a surgeon about wls.  The patient educator who did the training today said the thumbs up for surgery will come from this next meeting with the doc.  And then (of course) approval/disapproval by Medicare.  Somebody pinch me.  I can't believe this is really happening.  My head is a mess.  So many thoughts racing around.  Hopes and doubts.  December 3rd...8am.  Can't come fast enough for me.