BoweryBetty

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My feet hurt so bad today.  My left foot is the worst.  Walking around has been horrible.  I thought I'd collapse at work.  It feels so good to be home.  I sat on my stool outside on the patio and watered my garden.  If I'm up to it tomorrow, I'm gonna replant my 2 rose bushes into more loamy soil.  What would it be like to be 100 or more lbs lighter and work in the garden?  Would it be so much easier lifting, kneeling, crouching and bending over?  I long for the day -- if my dream for WLS can come true.  I've been daydreaming about the 17th.  When I got home today, my official orientation letter was waiting for me.  I think I've figured out the public transit route of how to get there.  I just need to make sure I allow enough extra time in case BART and the #390 are running late.  I need to be there by 8.30am.  I just took some Ibuprofen.  Hopefully it'll start taking the edge off my pain.  My calcium citrate from VitaLady came yesterday.  So far, the pills aren't that bad -- as long as I drink them with a lot of water.  The Biotech dry A & D pills are great, too.  A lot smaller than I thought.  They go down really easy.  I think I'll hop back on the boards for a while before I head to bed.  Happy Birthday, Andy Riley -- wherever you are.

Well...today was the day.  I met with Dr. Ng for the first time and it went better than I expected.  I'm still in a little shock.  I opened up about my history of battling obesity since childhood...all the failed diet plans...my co-morbidities... and then, **POOF**, just like that she types a referral to Bariatrics on her pc and gives me a printout with my orientation date.  I just can't believe it.  Now, the next step is to commute to Kaiser South San Francisco on June 17th.  I know I'll have to BART it over there from MUNI so I need to start figuring out my route there.  I can't believe this is all really happening.  Somebody pinch me.

Tomorrow's almost here.  I'll have my first meeting with my new Kaiser PCP and I'm nervous as hell.  I've been writing notes on a pad that I plan on bringing in with me.  It's a run-down of my meds...and the points I want to present about having wls.  I just want it to be tomorrow already.  I'm excited....I'm scared.  I feel like I'm dreaming.  Am I really this close to starting my journey?

I'm having one of those weeks.  I've been isolating myself from everyone around me.  Doubts and self-criticism fly around me like mosquitoes looking for fresh blood.  Will I be able to get approved for surgery?  Will my PCP even be receptive to the idea?  Or will she tell me to lose weight  the 'old fashioned way'?  And even if I'm lucky enough to have surgery, will I sabotage myself by falling back into my carb and sugar haze?  

I've been binging pretty bad this week.  I feel so out of control.  I'm so angry at myself.  I broke down yesterday.  I kept crying and crying.  I was super late for my therapy appt. and part of the reason I was so emotional was that I thought today would be our last session.  Now that my Kaiser benefits are starting, I will no longer be eligible to see her (MediCal paid for my sessions).  When I finally made it in she said not to worry becuase we'll be 'transitioning' over the next 5 visits...and then that will be it.  This is such a bitter pill because while I'm looking forward to having Kaiser possibly cover my wls, I'm not looking forward to leaving her care for their limited amount of therapy sessions.  It makes no sense to me.  I'm really going to miss seeing her.

Here we are at the tail end of May.  Just 6 more days til I see my new PCP.  I need to pull myself out of this funk and start gathering my strength to state my case for wls.  I've gotta crawl out of this hole.  I'm so tired.  I can't wait for this week to end.

I'm kinda reeling right now from some news DianaCox posted on the DS board tonight.  Is it really true that Kaiser won't deny the DS anymore????  I just don't know what to think.  I'm excited, but very afraid of getting my hopes up.  Crazeru sent me some really good info on her battle with Kaiser, and I've been psyching myself up for the impending reality of being denied.  But this news has turned things upside down.  My Kaiser card came in the mail yesterday.  I called and made an appt. with the doc I'm interested in making my PCP this morning.  I'm set to go in on June 5th.  Step-by-step I'm slowly getting on the road towards wls.  June 5th can't come fast enough for me.

I'm so grateful for the perspectives and information passed on by DianaCox, Crazeru, Larra, LeeAnn, Jodie and so many more DS'ers.  After all the researching and searching I've been doing, I'm now absolutely certain that the DS is the best surgery for me.  I like what I've read on its long-term results for the super morbidly obese -- especially the rates of KEEPING THE WEIGHT OFF as opposed to the rates of regain for the RNY.

I can't wait for June 5th.  I'm ready for this new page in my life.  The heat wave we're going through right now has been a painful reminder of the discomfort I live with in being SMO.  I've always, always, ALWAYS dreaded summer weather.  No matter if it's very mild or insanely hot and humid summer weather...if the temperature is too warm for a sweater,  jacket or long sleeves to cover myself, I've always dreaded it.  I can't help but think about the painful memories I have of being made fun of by other little kids at the public pool.  How they laughed and pointed at my big belly and chubby legs.  And the kids in my neighborhood who teased me so much to the point of where I stopped playing outside and became content with isolating myself inside my house with my morbidly obese mother.   I can't even imagine what it would be like to not have a second thought about putting on a sleeveless sundress.  And if it's a dress or skirt that's not black and below my ankles -- forget about it!  And wearing shorts in public has always been out of the question for me.  So here I am, with all my rolling folds of flesh, sweating and huffing and puffing as I try to walk in this heat.  As I try to occupy the same space with my coworkers and not be petrified of smelling like a sweaty beast in this heat.  Am I crazy to have the dream of being able to actually look forward to enjoying summer weather without wanting to cover myself up from head to toe?  I just can't even imagine it right now.  First things first.  Let's just get to June 5th and see where we go from there.

Had a restless night sleeping last night.  Been having weird dreams for the past couple weeks of my mother and the house I grew up in.  Strange....and a little disturbing.  Tossed and turned last night thinking about my impending coverage under Kaiser.  A thought popped into my head yesterday and I couldn't stop turning it over in my mind: what if they consider my obesity a 'pre-existing condition'?  Will my hopes for having WLS this year be deflated?  Will they tell me I can't be considered for 12 or 24 months?  Please no.  Please no.  I asked this question on the messageboards and so far have gotten some positive news from the incredible OH support system.  And thank you for your wonderful blog comment, Da Bear Kitten.  Definitely a great reality check.

I've been trying a 'bariatric' meal plan for the past couple weeks.  I ordered Profect protein bullets, Odwalla protein bars, whey protein, sugar-free oatmeal, lactose-free milk, hummous, whole wheat pita, chicken and beef broth and an Oster blender.  I guess I'm trying out how things might be if I'll be blessed to have surgery.  It's been reeaaaaally challenging...but I did find that getting my protein in first did something to my appetite.  I didn't feel as hungry -- at least it seemed like I didn't.  I'm finding it really hard to 'sip-sip-sip' my 64 oz. of water, but I'm thinking of some creative ways like crysal lite, etc. I've been watching my carbs, too and WOOOOO, BOY has that been a challenge-from-hell.  I cheated yesterday (ate a whole banana cake) and I feel really bad about it, but I got back on a better track this morning.  Now if I can just motivate myself to walk more.  

I need to move but my knees, hips and ankles hurt so much when I try.  And I get winded so easily.  I heard someone say it's hard at first, but once you start to work through the pain you really start moving and it gets better.  Another block for me is how ashamed I feel about how I look.  I waddle so damn bad when I walk.  I've had kids make fun of me recently as they watched me walk across the street.  It was so humiliating.  I've been thinking, though....I feel more keen on walking at night when it's darker outside.  I feel like no one will watch me then.  I just need to push myself to try.  Maybe tonight.  Maybe tonight?

Okay, it's been faaaaar too long since my last post. I've been in a major depression and I haven't been taking very good care of myself over all of this time.  I've only just begun to reconnect with my PCP couple of weeks ago and the next step is for me to reconnect with my endocrinologist.  I've been feeling so self destructive.  I've been on SSDI with medicare and medi-cal for the past few years.  I let my hopes for wls die out, but my flame is slowly coming back to life.  I've started back to work again and  I'll be getting insurance coverage in the next couple of months.  I'm trying to stay hopeful and get back on the road to weight loss.  I'm putting one foot in front of the other.  Here I go....

It's been a while since my last post.  I've had  more blood tests and I've finally seen an endocrinologist.  I'm on a metabolic medication now to manage the metabolic syndrome (my next visit with him is set for March '07).  I also went for the interview with my sleep doctor.  My sleep test is now scheduled for February '07.  Now I can't wait to see my PCP (next visit is also in Feb.) and talk more about surgery since my endocrine issues are being managed [ the endocrinologist also said he saw no protein in my urine!   I still worry like crazy about it, though.  Like is it something that can come and go or what?? ].  I hope I get some positive news from her.  I guess we'll see.

Happy Holidaze.

Well, I went to the doctor this past Tuesday and the results of my CT scan were normal!  However she's set on diagnosing me with hyperinsulinanemia and metabolic syndrome.  And the protein in my urine is still present.  She's now trying to find an endocrinologist and a rheumatologist who take regular Medi-Cal.  I asked her again about surgery and she said 'let's take care of your endocrine issues first'.   I hope she finds these specialists soon.  I worry that I may be in kidney failure.  I pray that I'm not.  I'm so scared, I don't know what to do.

Went for my CT scan. Had to drink 2 Barium smoothies (YUCK!) and have an iv (youch!)--took them a bit to find a vein. I'll see my PCP again in 3 weeks. Wish I felt more positive about it all. This kidney issue has me especially down. My birthday is tomorrow. I sure don't feel like celebrating.