bunnyandbubby

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Hey everybody!  I am three days post-op and I couldn't feel happier!  My surgery was a total success.  I have had no complications AT ALL.  Right afterwards, my pain was a 4 on a scale of 10, and hasn't risen above a 1, or even 0, since.  This is actually my second day home, and I have been out for a lot of walks.  I can actually get down a lot of fluids, and nothing disagrees with me so far.  It's weird to me that it's EASIER to feel that full feeling now.  There is no mistaking it!  The worst part was actually getting my IV... the nurse said the vein moved when she was about to stick it, so she dug around for it with the needle.  I almost fainted, which has NEVER happened with an IV.  My arm is actually uglier and more bruised than my tummy!

My incisions actually look prettier than I ever expected.  I thought they would be all bloody and bruised... actually, they're tiny and pink.  I also expected to have to sleep a certain way, like in a chair... nope!  It's all normal!  I feel SOOO lucky after reading all the horror stories of those who had complications.  I am blessed to have a supportive fiance and a wonderful surgeon, Dr. Finnell.  I would also like to thank my stomach pounch, whom I have named Patty, for not making me sick.

I am going home to Missouri on Monday.  I can't wait to see my parents... it has been about six months.  They are all stocked up on broth and popsicles and other bariatric treats... now I just need to GET HOME!

T minus 5 hours.... aaaaaaah!  Scary!  Exciting!  I don't know how to feel right about now!

Hooray!  Today is my 24th birthday!  This is one of those days when it really pays to be an elementary music teacher.  I have gotten so many hugs that my arms are sore! 

I can't help but reflect on how my life has changed over the last year, and how it will change in the next.  Last December 4, I was still in Missouri and student-teaching in a high school.  I was making arrangements to move to Texas.  I can remember being a nervous, scared, and excited wreck.  I guess I kinda feel the same way now.  I know my life will never be the same after December 16.  I know this is the very best birthday present I will ever get... a new lease on life.  But... I still can't imagine not having to hold my breath when I tie my shoes.  I can't imagine what it would be like to really stand onstage and sing without wondering if people thought about me being the proverbial "fat lady singing."  I DEFINITELY can't imagine running!
The unknown is so scary to me.  I guess my job is simply to jump in and take this experience for what it is. 

What a precious gift this is!  I have to try to remember that when I read about the complications, or dwell upon how different my life is gonna be.  Yeah, it's gonna be different, but it's a welcome change!  I HAVE to do this.  I need this.  So here goes!

I will be having RNY on December 16, 2009!  Woohoo!

Hello friends!  I still haven't scheduled my surgery yet.  I have completed my psych evaluation, but I'm still waiting for the report.  I don't anticipate any problems.  I didn't do the Rohrschach test like so many of the other people I read about.  I was given a series of really bizarre questions, and I had to decide if a certain statement was true or false.  Example:  "I think small woodland creatures talk to me in my sleep."  No joke.  That was an actual question.  I am quite certain I will end up being considered pretty sane.  Let's hope, anyway.  I AM a first-year teacher!

On the personal front, I am pretty happy.  My fiance and I are moving in together!  I can't really afford to both pay rent and amass savings/pay off debt.  So Nick is going to pay our rent at his place and I am going to use my rent money to save, save, save!  His apartment is the size of a sardine can.  I am quite sure we will be walking all over each other, but that's okay.  Plus, my apartment complex is getting scary.  One night two weeks ago or so, a guy ran at my car and tried to open the door while I was trying to get in the entrance.  There are always creepers hanging around, and I'm becoming afraid to even walk to my apartment without Nick.  Thank goodness my rent is up at the end of next month!

Nick and I are working on making some really big decisions for our future.  He is in the process of applying to D.O. schools across the country.  Nick actually wants to pursue bariatric and minimally-invasive surgery!  I am lucky to have someone who views my situation with inspiration rather than disdain.  At any rate, we are trying to end up in a city where I can more fully follow my dreams.  Although I love teaching, I really long to be on the stage.  I am a singer by trade, and since I have moved to Texas, I have not had one performance.  I have been so sad and unfulfilled.  I guess, if there is anything positive that comes out of living here, it is that I have a new appreciation for music and the gifts I have been given.

Part of the reason I have never committed fully to my singing is that I was too embarrassed to be onstage.  It's hard to know that your looks matter almost as much as your voice, even in the world of opera (my world).  The whole idea of "the fat lady singing" isn't entirely accurate anymore.  When I gave my senior recital a year and a half ago, I felt ashamed to be standing in front of an audience, even in my black and sparkly diva dress.  I was afraid to walk up the stairs and onto the stage because I thought I would be too out of breath to sing. 

Everything is about to change.  Nick and I are going to decide as a family what is the best course for BOTH of us to pursue our goals.  I am going to fully throw myself into my craft.  If I fail, it won't be for a lack of trying or a lack of self-esteem.  Right now, I feel like being fat is holding me back.  It is stealing my life... and my song.  I can't let that happen.  I WON'T let that happen!

Today was a rough day in my little world.  My fiance is out of town, so everything seems a little bleeker.  I got a call from my parents, who told me the loan I was approved for to have my surgery would cause me to have $800 monthly payments.  I am a first-year teacher with very little savings, so I don't know how that would work out.  My parents are trying to get equity from their house, but they aren't sure what it's really worth anymore.  We live a pretty modest country life, and I don't know that our property or house are really worth enough to cover the surgery.

My parents want to help me so much, and have assured me they will help however they can.  However, all this seems to be so complicated.  My silly insurance won't cover it because it's a preexistent condition.  Of course it is!  I have gotten to the point that I would sell everything I own and live on the streets to feel better about myself.

I have had plenty of people tell me I should love myself, no matter what size I am.  Yeah.  Funny how those people have never weighed 300 pounds before.  I think this whole "big and beautiful" movement is wonderful.  I am all for little girls learning to love their curves.  I am not a fan of a Barbie doll, cookie-cutter world.  However, there is a big difference between having curves and being on the brink of a heart attack at 23 years old.  Sure, there are parts of me that I love.  However, I feel like I deserve to love more of me than I do right now.