cajunlady1958

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

I don't know what is wrong with me.  I seem to find any excuse to go off of my eating plan.  I eat things that I shouldn't and then I feel so guilty.  My restriction is not the same as it was right after surgery and I guess that is why I feel like such a failure right now.  I get so depressed and I don't know what to do.  There are no support groups here and I feel so alone.  I need to talk to someone but there is no one that understands.  I want to lose the rest of my weight but it seems impossible right now.  Some days I want to take the easy way out of this life style.  But I have a son and daughter in law that I adore and I wouldn't do anything to cause them pain. So I just suffer and pray that something will click in my head to fix me.

I really have no one to blame for my gain but myself.  I have been eating just whatever I want not watching my carb content and sometimes not listing everything I put in my mouth.  I guess I am to ashamed to put everything down on mfp and see the numbers.  I know what I should do but I guess I have lost my drive at 15 months out.  I really wish I could attend the conference I know being with other people fighting this fight that I would come away with a new view.  But money being what it is, which is none, I just can't.  This is my attempt to talk to myself and try and figure out what I am going to do next.

I am not writing this for anyone but me, to get it off my chest.  I have lost 114 pounds but have not reached goal.  I thought I would try getting back into the dating scene again but I must have a sign on my back that says stupid.  The two that I was talking with turned out to be con men and only wanted money.  It seems nothing that I try comes out right.  I am not asking anything of them only to be loved and respected.  I don't want money, material things, or to be taken care of.  Why is it so hard to find someone even after losing weight?  Every time I put my heart out there it gets trampled on.  This has caused me to go into an eating frenzy of anything and everything I can shove in my mouth.  I think I have probably stretched out my stomach but at this point I really don't care anymore.  So with all these emotions churning around I give up, I quit, you win.

I went down to New Orleans to visit a friend for the weekend.  We had a wonderful time, she is a fellow sleever that I met through this website.  We did the french quarter, the beignets, the coffee, and the street performers.  I don't think I have ever had such a wonderful weekend in my life.  Yes i ate beignets and promptly got the foamies from all the sugar, yuck.  Wont be doing that again, learned my lesson big time.  It was so nice to get away and be with someone who understands our very special life.  I can't wait to go back and be with my friend again we have so much fun, almost makes me feel like a teenager again.  Also went totally wild and got my first tattoo, which is my avatar on this website.

One year ago today my life changed for the better.  I had surgery and started a new journey.  I was hoping to be at goal but it hasn't happened yet.  I was wearing a size 30/32 shirt and size 4X pants.  I am in a 22/24 shirt and a 24/26 pants.  while it may not be a big change to me it is humongous.  I am constantly looking for new recipes for my new low carb lifestyle.  Elina, Frisco, Shagdoll, and Ms. Shell have helped me so very much and I am thankful for their friendship.

I hope to one day reach onderland but right now it seems so far away.  I struggle with night time grazing.  I do take a ppi daily but wonder if I should ask my doctor to up it or not?  

The good things that happened so far are:  New clothes, fitting in booths at restaurants, trusting that the chairs will hold me, moving the seat in my truck, no seat belt extensions, no more blood pressure medicine or cholesterol medicine, and I can walk a better than ever.  

The bad things so far:  Nothing.

So for now my journey continues................................

I am so frustrated with myself.  I have not been entirely good when it comes to choosing my foods lately.  I am having a hard time with the grazing at night.  I had last night a 4 ounce chicken breast and a small (2 ounce) baked potato.  I was stuffed or so I thought and about an hour and a half later I was looking for peanuts or anything really salty.  What is wrong with me?  I just can't seem to get this under control.  

This is what my food sheet looked like yesterday:

B:  Breakfast turkey sausage and coffee

L:  Protein shake and granola bar

D:  4 ounce chicken breast and small baked potato

After a lot of tests I found out now I have to have gallbladder surgery.  So this wednesday I check into the hospital and the surgeon said I should be able to go home the same day.  Hopefully I will bounce back from this surgery too.  I am a little scared to be going through surgery again but I have faith in my doctor and I have friends that will be there if I need help.  I 'm still working on getting in my protein and water for the day, sometimes I do better than other days. I will update after surgery to keep you all informed how it went.

even with the flu my sleeve is still in charge.  9 months out of surgery and i can still just eat 3 ounces of protein at one time. hopefully with all the medicine from the doctor i will feel better soon.  it's been a week since this has been hanging on, can't wait to get back to normal soon.