dancerchick06

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I went to my physician this morning after being on metformin and the south beach diet for a month.  I went weighing 5 more pounds and 1 more inch bigger than when I started.  I wanted to go and speak to my doctor about getting a referral for a bariatric surgeon.  First, I didn't see my doc, but I did see the woman working with her today because they were busy.  That would be fine if I was a normal human being and didn't have minor panic attacks when I go to the doctor.  Secondly, she had a hard time separating her personal opinion from her professional opinion.  Also, she must think she minored in therapy and wanted to give me her personal opinion on why I shouldn't have surgery.  

She told me I wouldn't be able to have kids if I went the Roux-en-Y surgery and told me I needed to look in to lap band.  I told her I didn't want lap band because most of the people that had this type of surgery usually had a second surgery because it didn't work.  I should have asked for the nurse to come back because she agreed that we needed to get me healthy.  Among many things, some of the highlights were, "the Roux-en-Y is going to ruin your system and it will be so hard to get pregnant and keep the baby healthy", "I really think you should be going to the gym 5x a week and not 3x, that's your problem", "I'll see if we can do a referral but 20 is awfully young to go through this type of surgery". 

It wasn't like I woke up and decided one day to have bariatric surgery.  I have been weighing my options and researching those options for months.  Well, after talking to her, I finally got her to give me a referral.  It will take a week, if I am lucky to get the referral by mail but it's starting somewhere right? She told me, "If you don't get that referral, call us and see what the status is".  I hope and pray that I get an actual referral and can go have a consultation before the end of next month.  I want to have the surgery before the fall semester so I don't have a problem with school. 

Here's to getting healthy,

Sarah

So I have been going back and forth through this OH website and it has gotten me thinking.  If my life was completely in my control and I could pick everything that happened, it would look like this:

1. I write novels

2. I have my Psy.D

3. I have worked and lived in a dozen different countries.

4. I could fit in a swing at the park when I play with my niece and nephews. 

5. I would and could run miles when I felt depressed

6. I live on the beach

7. I can sit on said beach in a bathing suit and be comfortable

8. I can sit on an airplane or on any chair and have space on either side

9. I have the ability to have children

10. I wear dresses and high heels

These are the things I think about almost on a daily basis.  As I sat and thought about this today, I realized a lot of the things I don't strive for is usually because I don't have the confidence to back it up.  I always think I will be afraid that I will fail.  Then I realized, I have always been afraid I would fail.  As a Psych student, I realize that a lot of this is mental and I need to sort that out.  Also, I know that until I lose this weight that just won't seem to get off me, I will feel like I can accomplish SOMETHING I stick my mind to.  I want to walk at my graduation next year, I want to be in a size 8. I want to fit in my graduation robe.  I want to have gone to AT LEAST one greek party.

Well those are my thoughts today,

Sarah

I went to my physician today to talk to her about bariatric surgery and what I thought was going on with my reproductive system.  She seems to think I have PCOS as well as the doctor I refused to see again.  It is really hard for me to believe that I have PCOS when the only thing on my extensive blood test that was not normal was my insulin level.  I cried because I feel so frustrated.  I keep asking for someone to take an ultrasound of my uterus and prove to me that it looks like bubble wrap. 

Anyway, I told her I was looking in to bariatric surgery, maybe the lap band.  She said she would like to see me try the south beach diet before I decided that route. She said my BMI was high enough that we could seriously consider it but she wants to make sure I can't lose it another way first.  So here goes the south beach diet.

On another note, she also measured my stomach and said it was 49 inches!! That was REALLY hard to hear and really sad.  I will admit, I am still hung up and scared about the extra skin as a result of losing so much weight, especially in my breasts.  I don't know that my husband would be all for a tummy tuck, a breast lift/possible implants.  He isn't big on plastic surgery and neither am I.

My other thought today is that I didn't realize how much I want children.  I feel like I am losing out on that possibility as well...when I turn 30, I don't want a chance that my child won't be normal or have a normal life.

Wow, I just realized how absolutely all over the place this blog post is.  I guess that shows you how scattered my mind is right now...ce la vie

I have been terrified of calling a surgeon to even set up a consultation.  I finally get up the courage and when I call, turns out, they are closing their office.  The woman said to refer to my physician but I don't exactly have one.  I feel like crying when I even say the word bariatric surgery out loud.  The only three times I have brought it up was: 1st to my Husband who got really quiet and said, "I guess we can look but I don't want you taking the easy way.  It's also kind of scary don't you think".  Second was my Mom who said, "I don't think that's a very good idea.  Why don't you try this diet or going to the gym more.  There are other ways Sarah".  Then lastly, I tried my best and closest friend who also got quiet then said, "Oh hun, I am on this really good diet; well I quit for awhile because it's a tad expensive, but I think I'll send you the book and we will do it together".

I feel ashamed now to even say it.  I am feeling horrible because I know the one person I could talk to about this was my sister and she would have been supportive and told me I should look into it.  My sister passed away in January from cancer and I still feel the emptiness of knowing she was on my side.  She didn't say that is a bad idea, she asked me why I wanted to do it.  I am just so tired of being over weight, so tired of feeling like there is no hope.  Hating myself that I feel and look this way.  I hope one day I can find a solution.    

It was a fluke that I found this website and I am actually pretty happy I did.  I haven't seen a doctor yet but I have been looking in to different procedures.  I am really nervous/scared that no one will take me seriously in thinking this is the best option for me.  Last year I spend months going to the gym, every other day, and couldn't lose a pound; not one measly pound and I felt miserable! I got married at 250 pounds and I still cringe when I look at my own wedding pictures.  I tried diet pills, too many to count and they either made me shaky, tired, angry, or gave me a horrible headache.  I even sat down with a friend that is a nutritionist/weight loss guy and asked him what to do.  He said if I was eating right (I was only eating natural, organic stuff) and I was working out, that I should be losing weight.  Well, I wasn't; and what was worse is that I felt like I was failing even though I was spending hours at the gym.  I got my gall bladder out a few years ago and it has just been going down since then.  Well technically I guess up.  I wasn't changing the way I was eating,  I wasn't changing what I was doing on a daily basis, yet my weight was just climbing.  I tried swimming instead of working out, I lost 2 pounds in 2 months.  My entire family is overweight and before my sister passed away from cancer, she fought trying to lose weight. 

I read somewhere that weight loss surgery can sometimes fix fertility and hormone problems as well.  I would like to have a baby in the next five years and I know I have fertility issues.  I guess I want to be able to hike with my husband or play with my dogs, go to class and fit in the chairs, be able to enjoy clothes shopping, sit on the swing at the park, be able to be picked up by my husband, sit in a chair without worrying that my "fat" is hanging out, not have to have "fat days" where I just put on a sweater, I love to go swimming but hate to wear a swimsuit, I want to travel without feeling claustrophobic, I want to be healthy and love the pictures we take, and I want my husband to think I am his hot wife.  I want to feel good about myself and comfortable showing myself to new people without being afraid "they think I am huge".  

I am scared that I will see a surgeon and we will submit my file to insurance and they will say no.  I am scared that I have no other options and I don't want to be fat forever.