robin M.

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Here it is - 2009 already!  I can't believe I am starting the new year with a new me.  I am 3 1/2 mos out from my RNY and 22 lbs from my goal weight.  I've had to go shopping for clothes again and it still amazes me that I am easily in a size 10.  I haven't been here in so many years.  The strange part is that I still don't see myself as smaller.  I still see me as FAT and when I pull clothes off the rack, I tend to pull off things that are too big and then when I see the size, have to put them back.  It is a strange feeling.

I had my first set of lab tests since my surgery and they were great!  I've been off nearly all my meds since surgery.  My BS is still slightly high but not high enough for my dr to want to put me on anything new.  My good cholesterol is slightly low but not enough to worry about either.  Everything else was right where it should be.  No more 20 meds or so per day!

I just need to lose a few more pounds and I will actually be "normal" and not obese, overweight, fat, etc.  What a strange feeling....knowing that I will be where I should have been all these years.  I wonder if I will finally quit thinking of myself as fat once I am "normal"?  Somehow I think that part (the thinking/head part) will take a bit longer to catch up.

Meanwhile, come this summer - I will be at goal or really close to it.  2009 will bring on more changes and a healthier me!

I can't believe I haven't written much here in the past couple months.  Seems like the time has flown.  I finally got until the 150 mark but I figure that it will be a few weeks before I stay there permanently.  I bought a number of 14s a few weeks ago and am finding they are getting too big.  I do have a couple of 12s and they are starting to get loose.  Went tonite and tried on some 10 pants.  I tried 3 different brand jeans:  1 fit perfect....another was no way, too tight and the other fit but not flattering.but I don't want to pay the high price of a dept store yet.  Guess it is time to visit Goodwill or Salvation Army again!  I've noticed that nearly everyone has noticed the weight loss and most tell me that I don't need to lose anymore.  But I still plan on going another 25 or so.  I want to be SKINNY.  I didn't realize though how much excess skin I would end up with.  I didn't think I was going to have to think plastic surgery but I think it is realistic.  My excess skin is getting worse and worse.  My thighs are DISGUSTING and the stomach is getting bad.  I bet I could easily take 10-15 lbs off with plastics.  Not sure how I will ever pay for it though.  Guess that I need to start saving towards it.  I bet if I did plastic, I would be a size 8 easily.  BUT....need to lose more before I even consider it.  Like most, probably need to consider waiting the full year from surgery - meaning 9 more months of flab.  I dread that this summer will be no shorts.  Also notice m boobs are sagging big big time.  No bras seem to fit.  Guess I need to get a professional fitting but again, need to wait until more weight is lost.  I tried up someoe of the slimmer under clothes but they are soooo uncomfy.  And they are EXPENSIVE!  Need to wait on them too. 

and I am depressed.  I occasionally get hungry but not much.  I am not overeating and most of the time I don't even miss eating.  I am tired all the time.  It takes everything I have to just shower and dress.  I haven't lost what I expected to date.  It seemed like I was doing ok but then I gained some back.  I could have lost what I've lost to date with just dieting and not having surgery.  My staples itch...I'm grouchy....I'm feeling sorry for myself and don't even know why.  Hopefully like everything else, this will pass.  I would have thought I would be back to normal by now but I'm not.  I don't even want to get out of bed.  I've been working part time from home and dread going back to work next week.  Wondering if I am really ready to.  I can just see if now....breaking down and crying for no reason or some perceived slight.  Before I left work, I asked to change jobs....and they did it while I was gone.  That upsets me but it shouldn't.  Few people at work have even called to check on me and when they have, it is like they wanted to share gossip more than anything else.  I'm wondering what happened to my friends....they all seemed to have disappeared.  Guess they weren't my friends after all.  Yes, this whole post is depressing - goes with how I feel.  Tomorrow, I have my first post-op check with Dr. O.  Maybe he will tell me how I feel is normal and what little weight I have lost is normal....and I will miraculous feel normal.  Somehow I doubt it.  I dread the drive down to go see him.  Six hours on the road makes we wonder if the decision to use a surgeon so far away was a huge mistake.  Maybe next time I write, I will have something positive to say.  Hopefully....I'm not sorry I had the surgery....I just wish I felt better.

Well....had my surgery last Wednesday and today is Sunday.  I am firnally starting to feel like a human again.  Beginning to wonder if I ever would.

Have to admit that I am somewhat disappointed.  I left the hospital 10 lbs heavier than when I checked in.  My stomach was huge and hard.  It is finally starting to soften and a couple of the lbs have come off.

Also, I am still hungry..not starving but hungry.  Disappointed in that also.

Guess there is not much more than wait and see what happens.  Dr. O said everything went well and he thought I would do well.  We will see....I still have a fear that I am going to be the one who this whole thing doesn't work for.

Also very disappointed that my diabetes is better but not gone...maybe it is too soon?  At the hospital the bs levels were off the chart...home they are just high but not off the charts.

Fingers crossed and hope that each day will be better than the last.

I leave for Ocala tomorrow.  I meet with the dietician in the afternoon.  I think it is finally hitting me that this is all for real.  The hospital called me both Friday and today to do some pre-reg stuff.  It is real....this life changing procedure is really going to happen.  I am now getting scared.  I am scared that I will be the only one that this procedure doesn't work for.  I am scared that I am doing this to regain my health and that my health won't come back, I'll still be diabetic.  I am scared that I can't make the life long changes and if I lose weight, I'll regain it all back.  I told my PC physician about my decision last week.  I had avoided telling her.  She thought it was a good idea and wanted to make sure that I kept checking by sugar levels since it could cause me to crash.  But she also said that she has had a lot of patients that ended up gaining all their weight back. NO NO NO....I can't do this and then not lose it and keep it off.  I've really been eating this past week or so.  I want to eat everything one last time.  Still need to decide what my last meal before surgery is going to be....maybe steak since it seems nearly everyone has a problem eating beef post surgery.

Anyway....this is probably my last post pre-surgery....next time I write, it will be post-surgery.  Yes, I am rambling.

I got on the scale today and it showed that I've lost weight.  While losing is good, I am not sure why since I am eating, eating, eating.  I also don't want to get where I no longer am qualified for surgery.  I've lost in the past and then it all comes back with a vengance.  Not sure what is going on.

I called Dr. O's office today and let them know about the letter from BC/BS.  I also sent an email to Kathy telling her what the letter said.  I did that early today.  Since I had not heard anything back, I called BC/BS myself and checked.  Kathy had aleady called and my certification was extended to cover my surgery date.  Whew..made me nervous.

I guess I should have known Kathy would take care of it but I didn't want to get hit with any surprises at the last minute.

Finally decided to go do some "goal shopping" today.  I went and bought a number of size 8 clothes and small t-shirts.  I got some great deals and figured what the heck...I'm gonna get there!  I can't wait to wear them.  Since I am a clothes person and know that my whole closet is going to get donated, I figure I might as well start slowly getting things.  Today was a sun dress, skirt, light jacket, 2 pair shorts, 3 work tops and several t-shirts.  Woo Hoo.....surgery is getting closer!

I received a letter from the insurance company today and it was my approval for my surgery....only problem is that it was only for a 2 week time frame and the end date is before I am having it!  Not sure what to do.  I guess I call Dr. O's office on Monday and see what they can do.

I went shopping to buy me a goal outfit.  Couldn't bring myself to do it.  I'm confused on what size to buy.  I don't want to go too small and never make it....don't want too big where I won't get to wear it long.  I need help!

I have to admit, I am getting scared.  I am scared that I will be one of the people that doesn't lose....or that I am going to have tons of problems....or that I may even die.  I hope these thoughts are normal.

I want this to work.  I want to be normal sized again...and not be the largest one in the room.  After all the married years of no compliments from the ex, I want someone to take the double look and give a compliment.  And most of all....I want no more diabetes.

I called today to make my appointment for a stress test and they are able to get me in first thing in the morning.  WOW...Surprised that I could get in the day after calling.

Then on top of that surprise, Dr. O's office called and when I told them I was going for my stress test tomorrow, they said if I wanted I could have my surgery next week  Another WOW! 

If all goes as planned, from the time that I first contacted Dr. O's office to discharge from the hospital will be less than 1 month!  I am taking this to mean the stars are lining up and this was meant to be.

I spoke with my friend, Brenda, this evening.  She had a bypass several years ago and we discussed some of the food stuff, emotions, etc.  She said that right after surgery she was wishing she had never had it....now she wishes she had the surgery years earlier.  Even after several years though, she still has problems with many different foods.  She said she still can't eat steak and also a lot of other stuff. 

Brenda said that with some things, she can eat them today and then tomorrow the same thing will make her sick.  That part is a bit scary to me.  It is one thing to know that I can't eat something and to stay away from it...but another to never know.  I guess everyone is different and I can only hope for the best.

I am concerned though...I am a chocoholic...how will I get my chocolate????