jadelet

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Ok, so I'm looking for a bathing suit, and I'm trying bathing suits on right and left. They ALL look horrible. I have lost weight, but I have not lost excess skin, bagginess, or any of the cellulite in my legs. So I breathe. I focus. I Look at what i've been picking up, and I realize, these are bathing suits for people who look good naked. They're fully fitted, they're two piece or very unforgiving one-pieces. They have all the wrong gathers, they have all the wrong reveals for my body. I'm trying on suits for after I have plastic surgery.

So I go find the style of bathing suit I wore before. Its conservative, a princess cut swimdress, black with tiny silver pinpoint polka dots. I try it on, but in a size that is literally 10 numbers lower than I wore before. (22preop, 12 now)
And I realize I look awesome. Not tolerable. Not 'good enought that I don't have to be embarrassed'. I feel like I WANT to be seen in this. Its not a bikini, a tankini, or even a standard one-piece. Its still a swimdress. But oh my god how much better I look in them now.

I have to be content with smaller steps. I'll get there, and I need to recognize the progress I've made. As another poster I admire so recently put it, Rome wasn't built in a day. I need to take it easy. I'm getting there, and I'm gonna do it in style.

Ok, this is gonna seem a bit backwards and is no means an accurate reflection of my overall mental state.

All that being said. . .I am hating shopping for a size 14 christmas dress.

Yes, I used to be a 22-24.
Yes, I'm excited as hell to be trying on evan picones instead of layne bryants.
Yes, I have a real waist now and look TONS better in every single thing I try on.

But now I actually care. A dress that would have wowed the pants off me before I just say, nah, it makes me look bigger than I know my waist is now. A dress that I never would have imagined trying on and makes my waist look itty bitty and my newly shrunken chest look huge gets rejected cause it shows my new batwings. A dress that is da bomb in its funkiness gets stuck back on the rack cause I can see a tiny bump at my hipline of skin flap and I'm not sure a spanks type garment will smooth it out enough.

How effed up is that, to be frustrated because I look so much better that now my standards are through the roof and maybe unrealistic?

Sheesh, I'm a mess. :)

It was a strange thing standing in front of the mirror looking at my sagging tummy and realizing that when I 'sucked in' my tummy, though it was still an overhang, I could see the outline of my ribcage. I dont' recall seeing that since high school.
I'd like to say I'm so happy with my body now, but I have to say I'm happy to see what I belive my body COULD be now. All I see at the moment is a hugely hanging tummy and very flat breasts.

Oddly enough, I'm reservedly OK with this.

What I do see is clavicles, defined shoulders, and a neck that isn't sagging (thank you aveeno mosturizer and cetaphil cleanser--I will give you lots of credit for keeping this in check!)
I see a body that when camoflaged with the proper clothes, isn't too bad to look at. It has curves, it has definition.

Alas, the plastic surgeon will likely get some of my money cause i'm not the 'good enough' type and if I'm gonna go all out in this, I'm gonna go all out.

In other news, Running doesn't suck. Yesterday was hard cause when I showed up at the gym for the first time on a sunday morning, kids in tow for the in-gym babysitter, I discovered there is none sunday. Therefore I had to wait till the evening for my morning run, and that totally threw me. Despite many people telling me I didn't HAVE to do it, I went anyway, and felt victorious.

Sorta not sure where to go from here. I skipped a big bunch of steps but I know I'm not ready to put it all together and run 2 miles straight, so I'll have to figure out a new 'middle' step for next week. Maybe run a mile, walk 1/4, run a mile walk a 1/4. Just have to be careful not to overdo it and blow something and start from square one.

The running is really tearing apart the muscles in my legs which is actually awesome. I had popeye calves from being an active fat person. They're getting skinny and I am totally good with this.  If they get too skinny I'll start backpacking and stop running.

After this who knows. Maybe I'll tackle some of the appalaichan trail.

I won't like, I still don't LIKE exercising. But ya know, its not so bad.

Thursday November 10 I started an exercise regimen. Just running--working toward a 5k in the spring. I have a friend who said he'd run with me if I was ready---two, actually. We'll see if either one of them follows through, but in the mean time, I decided I needed to be able to run a mile. I remember in high school this was a crazy idea and I had to do it for our gym class--one year I passed (junior year?) second year I quit before it was done. Anyway, found a plan to follow, but I decided to modify it, so here's what I'm doing. I walk a 1/4 mile to warm up. then I run 1/4 mile, walk, etc, until I've run a mile and walked a mile, and then a 5 minute cooldown. Makes it about 2 1/4 miles all said and done. Next week I'll run a little further and walk a little less each round. The hope is that at the end of 4 weeks I can run a mile, and maybe even 2 if I really push. We'll see. I have to be able to keep this up.

In other lovely news, I tried on my hubby's pants this weekend and they fit. I also can't wear my 18s any more. This is all since I started running thursday.

Cleaned the house this weekend, or at least part of it. Started to fall asleep on the couch but had JUST enough energy to start the dishes. . .which I finished, and then moved on to the laundry and then working on the rest of the kitchen and washing some curtains. Amazing how momentum works.

Finally, I weigh 200.6 lbs and have been working between 200.4 and that weight for like 3-4 days now. I want so bad to drop to under 200 and reach Onederland, but apparently my body thought it'd lenghten the suspense. Since my waistline has shrunk at least a 1/2 inch and maybe more in that time, I won't complain and I'll just be patient assuming the muscle will catch up and allow the weight to start dropping again soon.

No words of wisdom. This is just for me to keep a record of my journey now.

So, one of the first things we have to do for a succesful surgery is rethink food.

I'm curious though, I have seen two ways to go about this. I've seen the folks who want to continue to enjoy food--(a la eggface)--and I've seen those who simply turn food into a necessity and keep it bland and repetitive so that it becomes the background and not a focus (the eat-to-live approach).

I definitely am of the eggface-still-lovin-my-food variety. I truly mourned food exactly once since I
had the surgery. The day I found out my son had Autism, I ran home, went straight to the fridge, opened it up and said "well sh**, nothings gonna help me here. I can't eat enough to 'feel good' even if I try'" so I went out for a drive to calm down and then went home and stood on the scale and looked at that number again to remind myself that I already have my reward and I get more of it every day, and it'll do me way more good than any food in dealing with this issue in the future.

So I have simply tried to up the quality and flavor of my food, so that I can enjoy every second of those tiny little bites and not feel like I am 'missing out'. Its not a reward, but its still a ritual and process I enjoy. I find I can still thoroughly experience what little I can eat when I keep it primarily to whole organic foods, and I can feel really good about it at the same time. Organic chicken, beef, fresh seafood, organic beans and veggie-- Yes, the food is more expensive, but my quantities have dropped so ridiculously I'm more than evening out. I'm loving the new lifestyle and hope the new habits are ones I can maintain over time. My family, though I started dragging them kicking and screaming, once we worked through what tastes like dirt vs. what tastes better than what we used to eat, is now fully on board, and benefitting from my new found health kick.

Now, on the flip side, I can see the appeal of, and also respect the eat-to-live approach, as I'm sure some folks would do better on that.

Which path is working for you?

Nope, that wasn't sarcasm. That was an epiphany of sorts.

I'll say this in honor of a lot of wise vets out there who used to make me mad when I read how 'unsupportive' they were of peoples mistakes. I used to think, hey, I've cheated, and 'gotten away with it' and ya know what? I regret it. I have done well, really well so far, but I think about that little piece of cake I managed, or the day I drank tons of coffee and very little water, and I think--what could i have accomplished if I had stayed on track that day? How many more pounds would I have lost by now? How much further along would I mentally be in being ready to maintain?  Because then I have a good day--all my protien, minimal carbs, all my water, and the weight loss is huge shortly thereafter. Can I cheat and have this thing work in these first months, and maybe even get to goal? Sure, cause I had a great surgeon who did a perfect sleeve with great restriction. Is that in my best interest? Hell no, cause when the honeymoon is over, I won't have changed and can't maintain a healthy lifestyle if I don't start these patterns while its easy.

I can't change fast. It's not in my nature. I can't cold turkey anything. But I can make gradual habit changes that over time will build on each other and last. Especially with positive reinforcement of those changes. I started substituting organic chicken breast with gluten free breading for our processed chicken nuggets. I started introducing whole grains into our starches, (what little I eat of them).  Do we still have processed meals and instant mashed potatoes? Sure, but thats not ALL we have now, and as time goes on I think we can swing into a healtheir lifestyle. My kids are benefiiting too--they have their dad's skinny-man metabolism, but I think the healthier eating will help them in their focusing in school, and their overall health in life. Besides, his metabolism is slowing down and he could use the extra help too ;)

I don't dwell on the mistakes, but I don't brush them under the rug as unimportant either or laugh them off. I recognize them for bad decisions that don't have to be made the same way in the future. 
 I think the key for me is that yesterday may not have been perfect, but that doesn't mean I can't try again tomorrow, and the day after that. If I shoot for the moon and get 99% of the way there, it's still a hell of a view.  

So to the vets, thank you for standing firm--I actually dug up some of those posts that used to upset me--and realized it was my own damn guilt that was upsetting me, not the posts. They were gently but firmly written (for the most part ;)). I hope I can present that delicate blend of support and firmness I read from so many of you when someday I reach goal, and become someone those folks look to for info.

Trying to keep all this in perspective is hard. I am so damn grateful for this surgery at this point in my life though. So much change, a lot of it is hard right now, so having this constant positive force in my life, constantly seeing the weight drop, feeling good about food choices, is really something I need. The energy I get now from the 60 lbs down is offsetting the extra work in trying to fight the school system for help with my newly diagnosed autistic son. The lift I get is offsetting the extra commute time to my new job. The self esteem boost in being able to wear clothes that actually look good is offsetting the threatening depression of so much change for the--not worse, but difficult--in my life right now.

I had 3 (male) friends recently make comments that I could barely fathom were directed to me, but I think of them every time I have to turn down a yummy pastry or candy.

Friend 1--I used to be able to pick you out of a crowd in a dark room, and I can't any more because I'm looking for the wrong body type.

Friend 2--Of course I didn't say hi--what do you expect, there's only half of you to recognize?

Friend 3--I was looking at the table when I got there late, you were partially behind someone else, and I only caught a glimpse and thought--who is the new hot chick?

I don't think I'll ever get tired of this stuff. 

All my thanks to whoever it first occurred to that someone could live without part of their stomach, and all those docs along the years who perfected the technque.

Ok, so I spent the weekend cleaning house, prepping for surgery--getting the bedrooms set up so the DH can sleep in his own bed and not worry about hurting me, cleaning the cabinets, getting rid of old food, trigger foods, making room for the new magic bullet and collection of stuff I need for surgery. 
This AM went in for pre-surgery clearance.

Here's the catch. I have a history of MRSA and she found 2 spots suspicious for it. Now please understand that they are starting to realize that MRSA is everywhere and folks who carry it tend to carry it, period. I have resolved many similar wounds with topical antibiotics and warm compresses and regular draining--no oral antibiotics necessary. I have blemishes under my arms constantly to the point I have stopped wearing deoderant in the last few weeks. I get them during periods of high stress. Well, these might just be the ticket to my unhappiness--meaning, if the Surgeon comes back to postpone, I'm gonna cry.

A postponement means lets play roulette and see if I have a worse or worse-placed blemish next time (that would be my take on it) so I'm all for keeping me on meds, keeping it under control, and going through with the surgery. I fear that this might not be the final outcome tho.

I'm wondering if they can just put me on IV antibiotics. I don't know.

I want this so bad, and waiting another 2 or 3 weeks will completely destroy my summer schedule and family vacation as I will unlikely be recovered enough to enjoy it.

 

I feel like I'm doing a wholistic housecleaning. I've been shopping for new tools and flavorings, I've been looking at post-surgery cookbooks, have completely redone my closet to make space for right-sized clothes, found some old ones I hope to fit into soon, am cleaning out the cabinets and trying to minimize any trigger foods (with 2 kids there's a challenge there, but we'll figure out a workable solution) and reading to readjust my thinking about food. Im looking at my job to see how I can fit my new lifestyle in acceptably to my supervisors, and talking with my friends and famiily to warn them that I need to make some changes in my social habits. There is almost no portion of my life untouched.

I discovered my surgery date is going to be on a friday and likely early early in the AM, so I may have to have someone other than my hubby take me (he has to get the kids ready for school). I'm not sure how I feel about this. I really want him there. I have a good friend who is willing to take me, but no matter how great he is, and he is an awesome friend--he's not my husband. *sigh*

Mom is no longer an option, Dad has to work, MIL is too flaky, SIL's to busy, no sisters, brothers too far away.

Here's hopin they have to push back the surgery.

So approval just came in from my surgeons office. And. . .well, now its real. Aetna said 'go for it' and now its time to go for it.
I'm a wash of emotions. Part of me just wants the hell out of work becuase I'm SO over thinking about THAT. Unfortunately its our end of year and hte surgery will be taking me out about a week premature so I have a ton to get done before then.

My house is a wreck. We're trying to work with my MIL to get her things out now that we bought her house. Unfortunately, we agreed to allow her to hold the mortgage for tax reasons,  (Not ones that benefit us, mind you) and she seems to think that means its in some ways still her house, so the things she still has here she's fighting to keep here until she's good and ready to deal with them. She has no where to put them--she moved into a smaller house with her BF, and he's digging his heels in against more 'stuff'. She's having one health issue after another, and seems to think there will come a time when she is in better shape. So in the mean time, we have 2 rooms that are unusable and half an attic full of her crap. What this means is, we can't do what we need to do to the rest of the house. 

As soon as I drop a size i'm going to do a purge of clothing, costuming and the like in order to create space here, but in the mean time, my kitchen is small and constantly cluttered as is the rest of the house. This is probalby my biggest worry in maintaining my end-goals--that the process of getting to the right things will deter me from doing them. For example, I forsee the excuse of 'I can't exercise cause I can't get enough space to do it cleared out in the time I have and still have time to exercise' and the like. Therefore, I think I have a plan. To the extent I can canoodle my surgeon, I'm going to take the max surgery time off and do as much to clear out this house as I can. goodwill, salvation army, our local theater trooop will all in theory benefit from my pending purge. Also purging will be exercise. 
Work really can't afford to have me out, but I need the time to get my life in order. So they will have to understand if they want to keep me they need to let me have this time.

Now I want to go find a magic bullet, some baby food 2oz ice cube trays, and pray I have enough time coming up to use them.