Two years since last post!

Jul 25, 2010

Well, two years tomorrow since my last post!  Life is still wonderful, I am blessed with a life full of love.  I am still with my amazing boyfriend Steve.  We're talking future-marriage etc, everything is going so well for us.  We still have not had one "fight" argument, whatever you want to call it.  We are so good together it's scarry!  We joke that we should have an argument just to see what it feels like!  I will definitely post wedding pictures when it happens.  He's just so good to me and for me, I am very blessed.

My two daugthers are both now married.  The oldest had her baby last August, so she will be a year old next month.  Of course, she is the most darling, beautiful baby on earth!  I am traveling to Miami next month for her party and then the following week her mommy turns 21, so we're sure to have a grand time!  It'll be a working vacation for me though, I will have to get up early every morning and get to work on the computer just like I do at home but, again, I am blessed with this amazing job so I have no complaints whatsoever!  My youngest daughter will be celebrating her one year anniversary in Sept.  Both of my daughters have good, decent husbands and I have great faith that they will remain together for eternity.   They boy picked fine young men to fall in love with and I adore both of my sons-in-laws. 

Now me.  Well, approaching 5 years out from my RNY.  I had maintained my weight between 160-165 so effortlessless for almost 3 years.  Now I'm struggling with about a 30 lb gain.  It's partially the work-at-home job that keeps my on this computer 12-14 hours a day and partially a slight return to "old bad" habits.  I used to be much more active, had 2 jobs and was pretty non-stop.  All winter I'd get finished working and it would be dark out, too cold to go out and walk, and so I got very little exercise.  There's no excuses, I just let it happen.  In the afternoons when I start getting sleepy but still have 3 hours of work left, I start "picking" eating pretzels, nuts, anything crunchy to try and stay awake.  Bad habit.  My sister told me to get up and splash water on my face - why didn't I think of that?  My thought process went straight to food!  So I struggle and I'm trying to lose at least most of what I've gained.  I don't beat myself up for gaining the weight but it does scare me.  That fear of weighing 300 lbs again never goes away.  I don't think I look bad, but I do look "chubby" and that's not why I had RNY!  I'm working on it, day by day.  It is easier with this tool.  I can eat a yogurt for lunch and my pouch is satisfied, but I've gotten my "brain" into enjoying food again, so my mind isn't satisfied with yogurt.  That's where the struggle is.  I think back to when I first had the surgery, that whole first year - why was it so easy then?  I'm trying to get my mind-set back to that time.   I think coming back to OH (it had been so long I actually had to ask for my password) will help me.  Help me remember that amazing year when I lost the weight, how I felt and compare it to how I feel now.  So I'll be ok.  I'll get the extra lbs back off.  I'm terrified of even hitting the 200 lb mark on the scale - and I'm dangerously close right now.  I do take  my vitamins religiously still, as well as drinking water every day.  I still don't go anywhere without a water bottle.  I still don't drink with meals.  I do enjoy 1 cup of coffee in the morning and sometimes a cup with Steve in the evenings when we watch TV (as I struggle to stay awake lol).  I just this year started drinking soda again - but I must say the only soda I like is sprite zero and a re-sealable 12 oz bottle lasts me 2 days!  I only take a sip here and there, I don't ever drink the whole thing.  So I don't think that little bit of soda is bad.  I did have an experience with tequilla a little over a year ago, enough to swear it off forever, and to know that liquor is not pouch-friendly!  So overall, I think I'm doing well.  I do still follow the rules that I learned in the beginning, and of course I bend them once in a while.  I can eat most anything but there are still certain foods I just cannot eat.  My pouch and I know each other so well now, I know within 2 bites if something is going to cause trouble so I stop eating.  Bottom line - I am thankful that I was able to have the RNY surgery.  Food will always be a challenge for me and some days I win and some days I lose.  I know that if I hadn't had the RNY, I would still weigh 300 lbs and I would be even more miserable than I was.  I enjoy life now.  That's the difference.  Before RNY I existed.  Now I live.

I still haven't been able to have plastic surgery.  I want to so desperately but do not have the money or insurance to be able to do it.  I do think that some day I will be able to.  I don't feel "done" since I still have the extra skin.  There are clothes that I can't wear because of the skin.  The 3/4 sleeve is my best friend.  I mostly will choose capris over shorts.  I look hideous in a bathing suit.  Like I've said a million times - I'd rather have the skin issues than weigh 300 lbs.  But I can't help but think and dream of how amazing it would be to have all that extra skin gone!  And to have my chin-skin gone, that would make me look more my age, rather than older.  But like anything, if it's meant to happen and it is God's will for me, it will happen.  If not, I will accept it and still live my life, which I consider to be very blessed. 

I think now that I've logged back into my OH profile I will try and get on here at least once a week.  I think it will help me get back on track.  Maybe I'll lose those extra pounds!  I know that I will never be the "old" Jeanne again, but I do also know that the "new" Jeanne still needs some work!  She probably always will! 

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