lulabeth

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It never seems to end, does it?  Right when I think I'm done with this process and ready to get in that OR I find out I've still have months to go.  MONTHS!  Having started this journey back in February, it's a little frustrating to still be jumping through hoops at this point.  I was told 6 months from start to finish...how unrealistic was that?!?  Here I am, 9 months later and still have about 6 months to go.  So much for being done in one deductable year. 

But!  I am over all of that now.  So it takes longer than I was told.  So what?  I am a flexible person...I'll just deal.  At this point, I am closer than I was last month, and that is good.  I've completed the pre-auth requirements of being in a weight management plan for 6 months.  I've completed the MMPI and psych analysis, I've had the EGD done.  All I have to do now is go through a session to learn some copeing skills and I can book my first appointment with the actual surgeon. 

The problem with that is that I live in SMALL TOWN USA.  The wait to see the surgeon is 2 months.  From there, if he approves me, and insurance approves me, it'll be 3 months before I'm in the OR.  So, you see how I have 6 months left to go after completing the usual pre-requisits?  And how it's so frustrating to DO everything they have asked me to do and still have such a long way to go?! 

I was not prepared for this additional wait time.  but I will deal, as I said before.  time to get over myself and keep along the path.

I have another Dr's appointment this week, on Friday.  I'm looking forward to it because I've really tried to stay positive this month and focus on my goals.  I haven't been perfect, but I feel good about where I am at, and that's enough.

My main enemy is convenience.  It's just too easy to slip into familiar habbits.  And the power of habbit is strong.  I.E.  bowl of ice cream before bed for my entire life is a hard thing to break.  I literally lay in bed and think about ice cream if I don't have a bowl before bed.  Sick, no?!  I am looking forward, if what they say is true, to having the craving for sweets  go away.  If nothing else,  the threat of dumping will hopefully hold me back.

So, for now the motto is STAY THE COURSE (where have I heard that befor?!?  ;o))  and hopefully I'll have good results on Friday.

I just got back from my doctor's visit for the month.  I've got two months to go on my six month requirement.  All is not well, as one could tell from my previous entries. But, my doctor and I had a good chat and set some new goals for me.  I'm feeling better now.  

She asked me if we took WLS out of the equation and just focused on me feeling better and getting to the best health I can be how would that change things.  And on pondering that question I realized something very valuable.  After spending weeks feeling depressed because I can't have the surgery I want (God bless HMO's /sarcasm) I still do want to have surgery.  When she asked if we should just take WLS away I didn't like that.  My goal is to have surgery and LIVE!  

So, long thought process short, I am feeling better and more like myself today and looking forward to tomorrow.

I can not seem to shake this phase that I am in.  I lack conviction, determination and energy.  As far as I'm concerned it'd be just as well to stop now because I won't be successful anyway.  Oy!  The power doubt has over us.  I am swimming in a sea of my own making full of doubt, depression, delusions, and cheetos.  

And so!  It is time for something completely different.  I will not allow myself the luxury of self hate any longer.  I've got to do something!  One goal at a time.  Today's goal will be to eat dinner at the table with my hubby then tackle the growing mess that is my kitchen.  That seems reasonable.  If I do it I will reward myself by watching TV with my hubby guilt free!

I'm trying to stay on top of things, and keep positive.  Some days, it's just harder than other, I guess.  My main problem is that it's taking so long to do all the prerequisites for my insurance.  My psych eval isn't until August because the one place my insurance covers is that back logged.  So I have to wait the summer out just trying to lose weight as best I can.  I wanted to have surgery in September, because I have a big conference in October that I wanted to have this whole WLS thing wrapped up by...but, I think I'm going ot have to realize that I'll be lucky to have surgery by November. 

Dr's appt went well yesterday.  I've been losing a pound a week, which isn't bad.  I'm also at the half way point in my 6 months required pre-op program.  That is also good.  

Goals havent' changed as my PCP is happy with my progress.  So, it's basically keep on doing what I'm doing and making it habbit. 

Two bad weeks in-a-row.  I am determined that this week will be good starting NOW!

1.  Exercised this morning, and intend to spend tonight doing housework (that counts as activity, right?!?)
2.  Count Calories again:  On the menu for tonight is broiled pork chops with Green Beans and Almonds.
3.  Drink your water!

And, to remind me that I'm doing well, I've cut out all soda entirely for the last month (go me!) and I've been eating at the table with my hubby, too.  So, I am doing something right.

Appointment this week with the doc, I'll see if my two week sabotage really did sabotage my weight loss.

Well, and who doesn't expect a bad week every now and then?  I'm now trying to get over the disappointment and move on.  So I had one bad week, in the grand scheme of things it's not the end of the world...or even my attemp at WLS.  Back on the wagon I go, and hope that I didn't ruin my weight loss at my weigh in next week with my PCP.

Seriously though, I really hope that RNY will help with the hormones because that is what set me off.

Spoke with my insurance company today and got someone with a brain!  So amazing.  I finally was able to get many of my questions answered and am quit sure of my path to WLS.  That is a huge load off.  For a couple of months I've been so worried that I was doing this all wrong and was not going to get approved.  Now I see that I'm doing just fine and shouldn't have much of a problem at all.  YAY!

Now, if only I could get my psych eval moved up from it's current date of Aug 5!  That is so far away, and I think it's holding this whole process back.

Things I learned:

1.  I do not have to have 6 months of a structured nutrition plan with my PCP if I can show that I've had 3 prev. attempts at wl with a structured diet/exercise plan.
2.  My only option for WLS coverage is RNY, which isn't what I originally wanted, but it's growing on me the more I learn about it and the more I delve into my feelings.

I got my lab work back last week and I have officially been labeled "pre-diabetic".  I don't really have to do anything, since I'm not actually diabetic.  It just makes it that much easier to get an approval.  That's the bright side I chose to look at anyway.

I scheduled my psych eval and the soonest I can get in is August.  I wish I didn't live so far away from civilization.  But, I guess it's not that big of a deal since I have 5 months of pre-op to complete anyway.