Time to 'Fess Up (11/18/07)

Nov 18, 2007

Sometimes you just gotta repent and get it over with.  Be done with it.  So here it is... my "Come to Jesus" meeting.  Lately I have been making some poor food choices.  Now that my hanging skin is gone, I think I should be able to eat normal.  The weight is gone, and I should be able to treat myself.  Right?  (Well, good try, but the answer is 'WRONG'!) 

So let's start with the straw that broke the camels back...  a vendor had brought in some "baddies" (aka goodies, but they are not so good for me so I will refer to them as "baddies" lol) and loaded up a desk drawer.  I found myself really wanting something out of that drawer... just the fact that it was forbidden to me... and it kept calling my name.  "Melinda, come see what I have inside."  It didn't help that I was on my period and wanted CHOCOLATE, which I don't eat.

At the end of the day, I grabbed a bag of M&Ms and secretly put them in my purse.  I felt like I was committing a crime, but it was only committing a crime against myself, my own body.  After all, it was a public free for all treat drawer...  so on the way home from work, I began to eat when I was alone in the car.  No support group members to gasp, "Oh my God!"  No co-worker who knew I had gastric bypass to say "I thought you weren't supposed to have sugar!?"  No mother around saying "Melinda, you're gonna gain all your weight back!"  No one to say a single word.  No one but me.  And my dang pouch... and IT always tells on me!

Slowly I ate them, one by one...  then two by two...  then I let them melt in my mouth.  Oh God was I in heaven. I will not lie.  They tasted so good.  Til half the pack was gone.  I was driving home, and I thought "What if I got sick?  I'm in heavy traffic."  But I began to reason it out...  I've eaten half a pack, and nothing has happened.  Maybe just eat a few more.  Then I had eaten 3/4 pack.  Ok, just one or two more...  that's it.  I will throw them out the window.  Then I thought, Ok there's only 3 left.  Or it felt like it through the waxxy paper.  I reasoned it again, if I've eaten this many, I can have the 3 remaining.  Only, there were 5 left! So of course I ate the other 2!

While I didn't throw up, or get diarrhea, I didn't feel up to par the rest of the night.  I spent it laying on the couch watching tv cause I felt punified.  I did come home and confess to Tim, guess what I did?  And he just shook his head in disbelief.  But, not judging me because after all, I am an adult and I'm the one who will suffer with the physical pain from my decision. 

So I decided...  I haven't been doing so good on my eating.  I have de-carbed the house best I can (my bad food was from OUTside the house, not within).  So I have made a conscious decision to do better...  not beat myself up and continue on in the self destructive eating that I would have done prior to surgery...  realize today is a new day and I can make fresh, healthy choices today which will help it be easier tomorrow... 

I wasn't going to share it with anyone.  But decided it was best to be held accountable...  knowing that I had to face my peers with the poor choices.  Plus, there is a nagging fear, a scary nightmare, that I will gain all my weight back.  I want to keep it a nightmare...  I don't want it to be reality. 

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