A Christmas Reflection 12/26/07

Dec 26, 2007

As a child, I remember watched the movie "A Christmas Carol" by Charles Dickens.  This is a story of a wealthy elder who is bitter and has a negative attitude towards life.  He is visited by 3 spirits, Christmas Past, Present, and Future.  This inspiring story takes its readers on a journey from Ebenezer's past, present and future life's events and how they have and continue to shape his ideas.

This Christmas, I have some reflections of my own Christmas', past, present, and future.  I hope it will inspire, encourage and give hope that regardless of what point in life you may be at, situations can change.  Where darkness or hopelessness now dwells, light and the glimmer of a brighter tomorrow can shine through.

PAST - December in the 90's
My church held a Christmas party each year.  It was a very "dress up" occasion...  My best friend Stacy was at her smallest weight. Her mother made her a size 4 red dress, long with a split up the back. It was beautiful. She wore her hair up in a sweep with ringlets surrounding her face. I wore a red dress that year as well. Seemed like even though we had no idea what the other was going to wear, we always ended up in the same color... (one Easter we both wore light pink and navy, totally coincidental). However, my dress was much different than hers. I was spiraling upwards and outwards in a size 20 dress. My dress would be considered "grannified" to a girl in her mid to late 20's. I was unable to wear a sexy, stylish dress like Stacy because I was fat. I wore what I could find in my size, not what looked good. After all, it doesn't matter WHAT you wear when you are overweight... you still look fat cause you ARE fat. That red granny dress to this day represents my life at its worst... wanting something better for myself, yet settling with what I had to....

December 2006 Two months after gastric bypass surgery. I started out as a size 22-24 in October 2006, and by Christmas I was down to a size 18-20. My parents and I had gone shopping at Goody's and there on a mannequin was a beautiful red dress with a silver rhinestone studded circle at the breast area. I looked everywhere for a larger size, but all the dresses in that style were gone. Only the one on the mannequin remained. My father made the statement "You should get that dress." I quickly stated "No, I couldn't wear that..." He insisted on buying the dress for me, and I soon had a cashier pulling the last dress off of the manequin. A few days later, my parents presented the dress to me in front of the entire family, my niece, nephews, siblings and their spouses. Mother quieted them all and made a "formal" presentation. She stated that this was a special present, and though I would not be able to use it immediately, she fully anticipated me using it by Christmas of the next year. I pulled the red dress out of the box. My nephew made the statement, "She'll never be able to wear that!" But it didn't upset me when he made the statement.  In my heart, I wanted to shout "Yes its true! I won't ever be able to wear this..." I wanted to believe... yet there were still doubts in the back of my ever human mind... I never vocalized those doubts to anyone. I just kept on the journey, one day at a time, chuggin along... hoping, praying, wishing... This red dress represented something I always wanted... something I dreamt about... it became the ultimate vision of a goal fulfilled.

Every month since then, I have tried on the red dress that my parents gave me.  Thank God it was stretchy material! In August 2007, I had a tummy tuck. I tried the dress on prior to having the procedure, and there it was for all the world to see... my gross hanging skin/fat panni. It was the only thing that prevented me from wearing my beautiful red dress. I will admit, it made me HATE and LOATHE my body. I felt like a failure because my goal of one day wearing that dress was not met. I would never feel comfortable in wearing it with my body like this. September, one month after my tummy tuck, I tried the dress on again. I was still so swollen, I resolved the fact that I would never be able to wear it comfortably... I hid it away in the back of the closet.

PRESENT - December 2007 
As I was hanging up clothes last week, I "happened" upon it... just in time for Christmas.... I don't believe in "coincidence"... that red dress was neatly tucked away for a specified time when I needed it the most... for a time when depression tried to settle upon my head once again due to an "imperfect body". I pulled it from the hanger and limp in my hand I wandered with the notion as to whether or not to try it on again... did I want to meet failure as I already felt discouraged, or would it boost my spirits if it actually fit? I lifted the dress over my head, and stepped in front of the mirror. Oh My! No more hanging panni! The dress hung straight down as it was created to do... I almost cried. Then I walked into the living room for Tim's remarks. He didn't know the importance of the red dress and what it symbolized in my life and weight loss journey. I asked, "What do you think about this dress?" He said, "It's almost too big!" With my padded bra and gel breast inserts, however, most assuredly it would fit just perfect...

Christmas morning, 2007, one year after being presented the red dress, I took special care in getting ready for our family get together... I used to put on a sweat suit or jeans and tshirt or sweat shirt for our Christmas gatherings.... but this year, I spent over an hour doing hair, makeup, hey I even shaved my legs for the occasion! lol. And then... I slipped the red dress over my head... I almost cried. There she was... in the mirror... a reflection of a little version of me that I always wanted to be...

I got to my parents before anyone else... wearing my winter coat even though it wasn't THAT cold.... and I made my parents sit down on the sofa for the unveiling. Tim took their picture to capture their reactions...When I took the coat off, my mother came over and hugged me and said, "That's exactly how I envisioned you to look when I bought the dress..."

FUTURE - hope for us all
Here's the truth of the matter: Each and every one of us have a RED DRESS story... maybe its the first time we go to the store and don't have to shop in the plus size section... or maybe instead of buying a 24, we get to buy a 14... or when we leave double digit sizes for a single digit size 8... so many stories can be told. I have read stories that just reach out, grab my heart and tug on it really hard til my tears flow out... and ya know all during my journey it made me NOT QUIT. Keep on keepin' on, like I always say... I am thankful that I have weight loss surgery friends that I can glean and learn from. Yes sometimes its hard... we stall, get frustrated, think the weight loss journey is at its end... then suddenly the scales start to move once again...

And there stand our naysayers... saying things like "I know someone who gained all their weight back..." Or, "You shouldn't have ever had that surgery..." Or, better yet, "You took the easy way out...." (Sometimes those thoughts got the best of me....) While my nephew who made the statement was not there this Christmas, everyone remembered his words. My response was the same as it was on the board... there is a valuable lesson. NEVER say NEVER, and a lot can change in just one year.... This was a Christmas to remember. So many times people take life for granted. To me, my life has just begun. LIFE IS GOOD.... Savor each moment.

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