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It's been exactly one year since I had my VSG.  Much has changed.  Yes, lots of weight has come off (about 80lbs), and although I haven't reached my goal weight, I feel SOOOOO much better.  There have been many NSV's, and I like these the best:

My 6-mos lab tests (blood sugars, cholesterol, etc...) were all normal
I no longer cringe when I catch a glimpse of my reflection in a mirror or window
Small improvements (make-up, hairdo color, new glasses...) in how I look no longer feel futile (used to feel like just a drop in the bucket)
My daughter can hug me all the way around
I can sit with my kids on most amusement park rides
I need to move the driver's seat forward quite a bit after my husband has driven the car (used to have to move it back)
I can cross my legs and have them be almost parallel to each other (as opposed to just perpendicular, if at all)
I can run without killing my knees
I actually sometimes look forward to working out and feel really good using my muscles
My fingers can touch when I stretch my arms diagonally across my back
I can wear real jeans
I don't need to shop in the Plus Size section anymore and can wear more form-fitting clothes (my former 2-3X T-shirts are now night shirts)
Meeting new people and reuniting with old friends is no longer scary

So, this really has been life changing.  It is still a day-to-day struggle to control how much I eat (I don't feel much restriction anymore) and my weight loss these past 5 months has been virtually at a stand-still, BUT I am not gaining either.  This in itself is an achievement for me as I've ALWAYS regained any lost weight (and more) within a couple of months of losing it in the past.  I also know I've retained and even increased my muscle mass and have a lot more stamina.  I've dropped from a size W24-26 to a size 14.  My energy level is high and my hair is growing back, so I know I'm quite healthy.  This is what really matters to me.  I do hope to keep losing and eventually reach goal weight, and perhaps get a pannulectomy (?sp) along the way to shape my midsection (definitely have the "apron" right now).  I feel so blessed to have had this opportunity!

PS. Maybe I'll have the courage to finally post some before and after picts.  Gotta get some photos taken soon.

I joined Curves yesterday and worked out then and today.  Their approach feels familiar to me.  I had done something similar to their "circuit" back in 1996 or so when we first moved out West for DHs grad school.  I think it was based on the workout the nearby university's swim team did, packing a full workout in 30min or so. I did like it then and remember getting pretty fit and strong from it.  The nice thing at Curves is it's all women, and quite senior women at my particular location, so I don't feel self-conscious.  It is tricky learning the different pieces of equipment and what to do on them (and I seem to forget a lot), but the "trainer" has been very good at making sure I do the correct exercises.  I'm pretty excited because I've found something that can carry over through the winter as I've been getting a bit lax with the walking, something that will probably just get worse as it gets darker and rainier.

So here's to more and continued activity, and hopefully a healthier and slimmer body because of it.

BTW, I'm seeing my surgeon for my 3 month visit tomorrow.  Aaaah!  Not sure how she 'll react to my "only" losing about 18lbs since my last visit 2 months ago.  I hope I won't get discouraged by her comments (this is the woman who believes I should lose all the weight I need to in the first 6 months or it'll not work).  Oh well, I'll face the music tomorrow.

Last two weeks were pretty bad.  First my son got a stomach flu and threw up in the middle of the night, all over his bed and on the carpet.  Poor little guy felt wretched.  The next day he was the calmest I've ever known him to be, thanks to a 101F fever. Next day though, he was up and running all over the place again.

Last week started with me having a full-on collision with the car in front of me that suddenly braked as we were getting on an expressway.  Thank God my kids were not with me, and I'm even more grateful that the other driver's 2 young kids who were in her car were OK.  That was a really scary and nerve-racking experience.  I'm still not sure how much the damage is, but I do have a rental that is pretty nice (it is much bigger and newer than mine, so my kids love fiddling with the power doors and hiding in the the 3rd row area :)

In the meantime, my new kindergartener is having behavioral issues at school.  They are not completely new to us, but were never a big issue in preschool and were never so extremely displayed.  The teacher, whom I respect and like a lot, thinks he may need some extra help learning to manage.  I'm talking with an Occupational Therapist who specializes in this area and we are figuring out a plan.  He may need further testing to see if there is a more medical/psychological component to his behavior as well.  I'm a bit overwhelmed by it all!

Finally, I was PMS-ing big time and craving carbohydrates like crazy.  I haven't been walking regularly and have been staying up way too late at night which really affects my ability to handle stress.  My weight loss has definitely slowed down, and I doubt I will reach goal by six months as my surgeon wants.

BUT, I did not completely stall and am now half-way to goal.  55lbs lost since I started this journey!  I do feel a lot better (despite my lack of sleep and exercise) than 3 months ago, and I am very happy about that.  I also look better according to my husband and daughter.  It is hard for me to believe that I could not gain it all back, let alone continue to lose weight.  But I have to have faith and keep plugging away at this.  Being positive is really hard for me in general, and in regards to my weight in particular.  Lots of reasons for this in my past, but I must look to the future.  I really want to succeed for good this time!

Got on the scale this AM and it definitely read 240lbs (got on & off a few times to be sure). That's a BMI of 39.9 for me, so now I'm officially no longer classified as Morbidly Obese, just Obese. Strange word "Morbid" . I know it means "sickness" in medical lingo, but boy, does it give me negative feelings...causing me to be morbid and dejected all right!

Well, I say farewell to morbidity and looking forward to Overweight

(Please excuse the weird grammar here: this is part of my response to another person's post, but it might as well have been a letter to myself!)

(...) Strange thing about grief:  I think it comes on stronger as we discover more about ourselves than at other times, even years later.  Sometimes it takes a while for things to "hit", maybe because now you are less busy taking care of others. 

I too turned 43 this year and decided that I was really ready to have WLS.  I had realized my obesity was really taking a toll on me and I had looked into WLS 3 yrs ago, even gotten through to pre-op, but obstacles just seemed to crop out of nowhere to prevent it.  After several months of waiting and postponements (Dr's and insurance, not mine), I decided it was not the right time.  I felt very disappointed and depressed.  Looking back, I really can't say if it would have been better for me to have done it then or not.  Like you, I do now believe that I need to do what's right/healthy for me, but I also know that there are times when others need me more than at other times, and that sometimes self-sacrifice is necessary (my youngest was 3 at the time and money was also tighter, a pblm for self-pay).

Perhaps it would have been good do the surgery earlier, perhaps not.  Now that I did do it, I must say that it does take up a lot of emotional energy to try to get a handle on eating, with lots of ups & downs after the surgery.  At times, I get very "snappy" and irritable, so I'm glad my son and daughter are more independent and I have more time to myself to deal with stress, not to mention exercise and ”head shrinking”. Financially, we are in a better position, so the cost of the procedure was also less stressful for us as a family.

Anyway, I guess I'm simply saying that there may be good reasons for you to be doing this now rather than a few years ago, and please don't be harder on yourself because you feel you let (...) or yourself down earlier.  You are here now, and by the sound of it, in a very good place to make all these positive changes for yourself.  It is the right time for your journey of self-discovery and new personal achievements.

I hope you get your WLS soon and are able to find/fulfill all your dreams!

Tonight was my kids' school Back to School Night.  Funny term that is cuz I always think it's supposed to be a class reunion or something (I didn't grow up in the US school system, so I only learned of it with my children starting school).  Anyway, like a class reunion, I had attached a lot of expectations to it; after all, I hadn't seen most of these people since the end of May, before I lost any weight.  Wouldn't they be sure to notice something? I mean, 38 lbs is something, right?

Well, at 247lbs, I guess it's not really enough to make a noticeable change in my appearance.  To be fair, I'm still wearing the same clothes (stretchy fabric is a wonderous thing!) and I guess my face hasn't changed too much (despite what my husband says...but he's a sweety and tries to complement me all the time :).  It is interesting: I read a post that said that normal-sized people who know you will not really notice a weight loss, but larger-sized people will.  It's true that most of the folks there were slender, so maybe that is why.  Conversely, I noticed that one of the heavier mothers there really had lost a considerable amount of weight and looked really good: I made sure to tell her she looked wonderful!  She told me "diet and exercise", mainly walking and swimming.  I agreed and smiled, but said nothing of my own situation.  I think I would rather wait until it is noticeable on me.  Who knows, she might have also done WLS, but this was not the time to discuss it.

Sigh! I guess I still have the old feelings of wanting others to tell me I look like I've lost a lot of weight, mixed with feelings of envy at having been "beaten to the punch" by someone else (even though I am also very happy for and encouraged by her).  As much as I'm mainly doing this to feel better and be healthier, both of which I already do experience, I really do want external feedback.  I have lost some inches as well as the weight, but again, it is hard to visibly appreciate at this point.

So, some days I feel very confident that this is working, and will continue to do so until I am successful, and other days (like today) I feel like nothing has really changed. I know this is just par for the course, and that I have to just keep working at it.  I just hope that the former will start outnumbering the latter soon!

It's been 3.5 weeks now.  Sigh!  The novelty is wearing off, the weight loss is slowing down a bit (relatively), and I'm having a harder time controlling myself.  I can eat a lot of different foods now.  Liquids or semi-liq go down no problem... I could probably gain easily living on just soups and frozen yogurts.  Fortunately, if I eat some dense (still soft) protein before anything else, I need to stop at about 1/2 to 1 cup.  But, I don't always follow the rules!

Yesterday, I really pushed my limits eating out with the family at Whole Foods.  1.5 cups of veg. split pea soup (no pbl) then a sort of shredded chicken tomato stew.  I just had to finish the container (about 3/4 cup) and felt quite awful afterwards...not nauseous, but definitely ready to overflow at the slightest provocation.  Thank goodness the ride home wasn't too bumpy and DH took over the kids for a couple of hours!  At least I know I do have some limits now.

This afternoon was another bout of uncontrolled eating:  the equivalent of potato chips in green beans (something I bought thinking it could persuade my 5yo to eat some green vegetables...of course a no-go for him, so I'm left really wanting to crunch them).  I guess deep-frying really breaks down the fiber cuz I had no trouble chewing them to a soft pulp. There was no nutrition label, so I'm not sure how much damage I did, but I logged it as Sezchuan-style fried green beans (about 200 kcals for 1 cup).

I have been logging my daily intake at fitday.com which is quite amazing.  Gone are the days of toiling over written food journals to calculate Kcals, Pro, Fat, and Cho.  Now it all comes out with a few keystrokes.  I still end up customizing a lot of foods, but then they are saved for any future intakes.  My average intake has been about 900 kcals with 80-90g Pro and 60-70g Cho.  I've read a lot of folks who keep their carbs under 30g which seems a bit extreme to me.  Besides, there is no way I could get it much lower unless i give up dairy, and I don't think it is worth it. I might lose a bit slower, but without going into extreme ketosis.  Although I do believe in a higher protein intake,  I think keeping carb limits to about 30% of kcals is reasonable for energy and muscle maintenance, and thus a more efficient "burn"...not to mention sparing the kidneys!  I guess I'll see long term if this is a good strategy.  I may have to alter a bit here and there as I go along.

Oh, I almost forgot: I've reached my first weight goal: under 250 lbs (249 lbs to be exact)! Yay!  I also was able to fit into a cotton poplin shirt (non-stretchy) yesterday which i have not been able to wear in about 3 yrs.  My next goal is under 225 lbs.  I don't even remember seeing that number on the way up the scale over the last 15 yrs or so (I sort of stopped looking after 210 lbs).  I still have a hard time believing this may actually work!!!

Ok, so here I am on the 3rd day of mushies.  Liquids never really satified or filled me up during the 1st two weeks, not even the thick cream of veg ones with blended chicken bits.   I was starting to get discouraged as I've been reading so many posts that mentioned only being able to get down an ounce or two at a time at 2 wks.  I'm able to drink 8-12oz at a time with no problems.  Granted I have to go slower than before (takes about 15min) and I'm not exactly hungry for the next 3hrs, but it still seems like a lot.  I posted, and basically the responses were to not worry and that it will be different with solids.

Well, my 1st mushy food was 1 scrambled egg with some cheese.  I sure was hungry for it!  It did have a harder time going down, and I felt every bite.  By the end, I felt a pressure under my breastbone, like something was stuck at the bottom of my esophagus and just was not passing.  I figured it would not be pleasant if I ate any more, even though I did not feel really satified or full the way I used to (after a ton more food of course).  Later, I happened upon a post on the DS msg brd where some folks described their new full feelings as being similar.  AH HA!  OK, now I know what I'm looking for!  This is key for me!  I'm a bit disappointed I did not learn of this earlier from the surgeon's team or the support group, or even from the many posts I've waded thru on OH's VSG msg brd, but at least I know it now!

I've had 2 soft scrambled eggs (without cheese) 2 more times since then, and must say they give me the same feedback, and seem to keep me satified after the initial "taste hunger", i.e. the part of me that still wants to eat more to get more taste, has abated.  I'm finding that this taste hunger is quite a strong one for me, and I need to distract myself for a while right after eating in order to get over it.

I think that the old satisfied or full feeling that I'm still looking for may be impossible to attain without hurting myself (and blowing the sleeve), and that I'm going to have to find a similar substitute feeling somewhere else.  This is what I must work on with my counselor...finding safe and truly satisfying alternatives.  The instantaneous, non-demanding, stress-relieving, pleasurable effects of overeating will be a difficult thing to replace, especially late at night when I'm used to achieving "satisfaction".  At least now I can pinpoint this problem not just theoretically, but actually with gut-level understanding (no pun intended).  Still, I do feel a little despair sometimes... (midnight is my witching hour it seems).

Anyway, I've experimented a bit more with the mushies, and found that others don't seem to work at getting me to "full" as well as the scrambled eggs.  Not thick bean soup with cheese, not yogurt, not cottage cheese...they slide down too easily.  Tomorrow, I think I'll try refried black beans with cheese.  Maybe even some chopped chicken with a little mayo.  I have a feeling that the tougher solid foods, when I'm allowed to eat them, will be the best at achieving this new full feeling.

Oh, with regard to taste changes, so far I've noticed that I'm preferring the more savory flavors, and not really wanting sweet ones.  Its funny how the eggs and cottage cheese really taste better to me now compared to pre-VSG (more flavorful).  Granted I was always a protein lover, but I also craved chocolate and ice cream.  Now, not so much.

OK, it's time to hit the hay now. More later.

Next day started early with a heparin shot (yikes!) to prevent blood clots...actually not too bad since I remember sub-q insulin shots from gestational diabetes days. Also got my 1st dose of Pepcid (IV) to help control acid production. Took a couple more walks around the floor, more deep breathing exercises, more pee in a measuring container (in the toilet, so no acrobatics required), and finally some tooth & hair brushing to avoid  "Bride of Frankenstein" breath & do.

The WLS nurse coordinator (a really lovely woman) came by to check up and let me know to expect the leak test this AM. For the next 4 hrs, I just hung out, doing the walk/breathe/pee routine.  Oh, I almost forgot the gas issue.  Throughout the night & next morning, I experienced the occasional "bubbling" (sort of burping) of what I assumed was the gas working its way up (the pressure sensation was almost gone by now). The nurses kept asking if I had passed any gas yet the other way, but that only occured a few hours later.

By 11am I was getting antsy.  Fortunately, just then the transport person appeared to wheel me down to X-ray. The test consisted of my standing in front of the machine while I swallowed the dye solution.  Didn't seem too bad, except that the stuff tasted absolutely horrible and super-sweet.  Not the first thing one would like to drink after 30 hours!   I had to steel myself, and prayed that I would not retch  I did not, but just barely!   I got to see the image during the test, and it was pretty fascinating.  Where I imagine the stomach would have expanded as it filled with fluid, there was just a thin thread (about a 3rd of the width of the eosophagus), which then got larger when it got to the small intestine! Man, no wonder one has to drink slowly: one tiny sip, and it filled up; a little bit more, and I could see (and feel) it strart backing up into the eosophagus!   Anyway, the conclusion filled me joy: no leaks!  I was a happy girl.

When I got back, the dietitian came by and reviewed the eating plan with me (actually, she quizzed me...I passed, thank goodness).  Next, my surgeon popped in to confirm all was well and that I would be discharged in a couple of hours after I ate and kept down some clear liquids.  I tell you, though, no food tray ever looked sooo full to me!  It took me about an hour to get 1 oz of broth, 3 tsp of Jell-O, and 1/2 a popsicle down!  Whenever I felt some pressure in my chest, I envisioned the X-ray and the fluid backing up, and had to stop for a while.  Nevertheless, my surgeon was satisfied, and I was cleared to go home.

WARNING: contains details that may bore some to tears (feel free to skip)

I got  the VSG 2 days ago! 

It went more or less as planned, just delayed about 3 hrs due to Surgeon's first case running long.  At least I got well hydrated w/ IV fluids during the wait.  DH stayed with me in the pre-op area until i went into the op room around 3 pm.  All the staff were very efficient and professional.  They did protect my arm from getting a pinched nerve (happened in my shoulder when it was outstretched  during a c-section 5 yrs ago...hurt worse than the incision for days), and the doc even took a pic of the removed part of my stomach as I requested  (weird, I know, but when will I ever get another chance to really see a piece of me fr the inside; plus, I was curious if it was grossly distended fr years of stretching...turned out not so much, at least not on the pic.)

I spent 2-3 hrs in the post-op recovery room after the surgery.  This was probably the worst part bcs of severe nausea and gas pressure.  They gave me every anti-nausea IV med in their arsenal, and finally a solution of D5 (which they were reluctant to give at first bcs of a high blood sugar reading).  I'm not sure if that did the trick, or if was a combo of all the meds, but the nausea did finally subside.  The gas pressure did continue to be uncomfortable, but tolerable.  I had 5 small incisions held together with surgical glue.  I did not have any drains or catheters.

DH met me in my room where nurses helped me to the bathroom, change my gown, and take my 1st walk around the "block".  In bed, they put these inflatable "stockings" on my lower legs which alternated pumping to help prevent blood clots. I dosed in & out for a few hours afterwards.  My pain was not bad ( I did have my own pain management delivery pump).  The gas pressure in my chest area was still present but slowly getting less.  I remember a really sore throat & dry mouth the most.  When I was awake enough again, i took a another walk then even watched a  movie. 

Sleeping later that night was difficult bcs It was hard to get comfortable lying on my back which was getting pretty sore, so i mosltly took cat naps between vitals checks, doing repiratory exercises and walking a couple of "laps".  A late shift nurse gave me tips on how to move withought straining my stiches, and helped me lie own my side (with pillows in back, under my belly, and between my legs). She also gave me some water witha little mouthwash and a swab to "rinse"my mouth.  She definitely was a godsend, and i actually got a couple of good hours sleep.

(tired now, will cont. later)