Nova B.
9-Months Post-op (retrospective)
Jan 15, 2015
Today marks 9 months since RNY surgery. I'm down 104 pounds and feel fantastic. I am convinced that this surgery has saved my life.
Having said that, I feel the need to record some of my feelings/issues since surgery...
I will always have issues with food. I still love food and everything about it. I am constantly pinning recipes (food porn) and since surgery I have even started baking bread. I obsess over eating out but find little to no pleasure in it anymore. The loss of this relationship has hit me harder than I thought it would, but I'm working through it. I can see how it would be easy to go back into my old habits and re-gain the weight and that terrifies me. I'm still learning how to manage my insecurities without pacifying my feelings with food. Its a work in progress.
I find I can tolerate most foods but I still am afraid to eat any outright sugar. My calorie and carb intake has slowly crept up over the last couple months and I'm sure that is why my weight loss has stalled. I need to get back to basics and up my water intake.
I am still lazy when it comes to working out and have to argue with myself daily to get to the gym. I have started jogging and signed up with a friend for my first 5K this coming March so I have a goal to keep me focused. About 3 months ago we moved from Washington to Colorado. The exercise has helped my breathing in the high altitude. I'm also getting stronger and my balance is getting better. Its been a slow process but its working and I intend on sticking with it.
My skin is ridiculous. I don't look bad in clothes but I was overweight my entire life so 40+ years of abuse has left me with scars from old tears that will not fade. I don't have any rashes or irritations but have to find tight fitting clothing to hold myself together. My skin is just not going to snap back. And... I find my lack of boobs disturbing. Plastic surgery will most definitely be in my future.
My hair loss has been significant. It started around month 5 and has only recently slowed down. Although I have no bald patches it is very thin in places. I normally have very long hair but have cut it to shoulder length and am contemplating cutting it even shorter till it starts growing back. Now I just need to convince my long hair loving husband...
I still feel fat. I only have about 40 more pounds to lose but the fat mind-set is still there. I find myself staring at my turkey-neck, oversized bat-wings and flat tire/love handles all the time. I have no self confidence when naked because I look like I'm wearing a deflated "Nova suit". Which, really, I am. Some days I have to remind myself how far I have come. I have lots of "before" pictures (even some nude) and that helps. But the constant flapping can be hard to deal with.
Shopping is more fun but can be daunting when I find myself back in the Womens section and feeling lost. I'm too old for juniors but the "adult" clothing seems too old for me. Sheesh people, I'm only 42. I wanna look cute, not frumpy. I'm afraid to spend too much money on anything because although the scale has not moved more than 4-5 pounds in the last 2 months I have gone down another size and the stuff I just recently bought are already getting baggy on me. I wish I could just live in compression gym clothes. And boots.
Every day is a new start. Every day is a chance to do better. I still falter and eat too much of something I shouldn't. Ill miss the gym or drink too much coffee instead of all my water. But I have learned to be kind to myself and don't have the "all or nothing" attitude I used to have. I stick up for myself and keep moving forward. After 42 years I can finally say I love myself and I'm worth the effort. I look forward to my continued transformation.
