Its the end of 2015 and my weight has been about the same all year. My body size has changed significantly but the weight stayed within about 10 pounds all year.  I had found my groove working out and became a real gym rat though about October but burnt myself out.  I was doing 5-6 days a week (and even was doing Yoga on my luch hour!) but have slipped back to an average of 2 two 3 a week now (which really means twice one week, one week off, 5 times the next week, and so on for a total of 12 workouts a month).  I am ready for the holidays to be over and am ready to step up my efforts in order to get these last 30 to 40 pounds off.  I have alot of excess skin that bothers me but there is nothing I can really do about it right now except to build up the muscle under it.  My goal is to lose enough fat that all I have left is skin so when I do save the money up for surgery it will be easier on both me and the surgeon.  I have still stayed away from sugar and have found I can not tolerate sugar alcohols well at all.  So my diet consists of mostly protien and the occasional veggie.  I have found I can do anything fried and crackers/chips go down too easy as well.  I have a severe Cheez-it problem and I have also started to replace my water with coffee and that does not help anything.  So I guess this post is my way of recommitting to my previously healthy lifestyle.  It sounds so corny to have to declare "In 2016 I resolve to....." but maybe thats just what I need to do.  So here it goes:

In 2016 I resolve to treat myself better.  I will eat clean 80% of the time, which means high protien and good fats, low carbohydrates and more veggies. I will drink at least 64 ounces of water every day. I will continue working out by doing some sort of activity every day, balancing strength training with Cardio (making sure to hit my heart rate targets) and Yoga.  I will not beat myself up over my progress and will not worry about "the wagon".  I will make sure to get enough sleep and will listen to what my body needs.  I will take care of myself, both body and mind. I will write everything down to keep myself accountable.  I will love myself.

Corny as it may sound, there it is.  This starts now.

Happy Holidays everyone and heres to a Happy and Healthy New Year.

Today marks 9 months since RNY surgery.  I'm down 104 pounds and feel fantastic.  I am convinced that this surgery has saved my life. 

Having said that, I feel the need to record some of my feelings/issues since surgery...

I will always have issues with food.  I still love food and everything about it.  I am constantly pinning recipes (food porn) and since surgery I have even started baking bread.  I obsess over eating out but find little to no pleasure in it anymore.  The loss of this relationship has hit me harder than I thought it would, but I'm working through it.  I can see how it would be easy to go back into my old habits and re-gain the weight and that terrifies me.  I'm still learning how to manage my insecurities without pacifying my feelings with food.  Its a work in progress.

I find I can tolerate most foods but I still am afraid to eat any outright sugar.  My calorie and carb intake has slowly crept up over the last couple months and I'm sure that is why my weight loss has stalled.  I need to get back to basics and up my water intake.

I am still lazy when it comes to working out and have to argue with myself daily to get to the gym.  I have started jogging and signed up with a friend for my first 5K this coming March so I have a goal to keep me focused.  About 3 months ago we moved from Washington to Colorado.  The exercise has helped my breathing in the high altitude.  I'm also getting stronger and my balance is getting better.  Its been a slow process but its working and I intend on sticking with it.

My skin is ridiculous.  I don't look bad in clothes but I was overweight my entire life so 40+ years of abuse has left me with scars from old tears that will not fade.  I don't have any rashes or irritations but have to find tight fitting clothing to hold myself together.  My skin is just not going to snap back.  And... I find my lack of boobs disturbing.  Plastic surgery will most definitely be in my future.

My hair loss has been significant.  It started around month 5 and has only recently slowed down.  Although I have no bald patches it is very thin in places.  I normally have very long hair but have cut it to shoulder length and am contemplating cutting it even shorter till it starts growing back.  Now I just need to convince my long hair loving husband...

I still feel fat.  I only have about 40 more pounds to lose but the fat mind-set is still there.  I find myself staring at my turkey-neck, oversized bat-wings and flat tire/love handles all the time.  I have no self confidence when naked because I look like I'm wearing a deflated "Nova suit".  Which, really, I am.  Some days I have to remind myself how far I have come.  I have lots of "before" pictures (even some nude) and that helps.  But the constant flapping can be hard to deal with.

Shopping is more fun but can be daunting when I find myself back in the Womens section and feeling lost.  I'm too old for juniors but the "adult" clothing seems too old for me.  Sheesh people, I'm only 42.  I wanna look cute, not frumpy.  I'm afraid to spend too much money on anything because although the scale has not moved more than 4-5 pounds in the last 2 months I have gone down another size and the stuff I just recently bought are already getting baggy on me.  I wish I could just live in compression gym clothes.  And boots. 

Every day is a new start.  Every day is a chance to do better.  I still falter and eat too much of something I shouldn't.  Ill miss the gym or drink too much coffee instead of all my water.  But I have learned to be kind to myself and don't have the "all or nothing" attitude I used to have.  I stick up for myself and keep moving forward.  After 42 years I can finally say I love myself and I'm worth the effort.  I look forward to my continued transformation.

Don't get me wrong, I am so happy I had surgery.  I have lost 99 pounds, am wearing a size 16 and Larges and feel better than I have my entire adult life.  I am happy with my loss so far but its definitely getting harder.  I am searching for new things to eat and have been making excuses not to work out.  I guess the regimen has just started wearing on me.  I bought a bunch of high protein foods (cookies, cereals, etc...) from Bariatrics Choice to add in as a change of pace and have started eating vegetables and even some fruit as well.  But my weight has been stuck at the 99 pounds lost mark for a while now.  I know what I need to do to get the rest of it off, but I've been stuck in a funk.  I don't want to stop here.  I still have another 40-50 pounds to go.  I know its not a race, but with the holidays here I need to be sure I don't make too many excuses to take time off.  Since we have moved to Colorado I don't have a support group to go to anymore and I really miss it. 

Got pulled over for speeding today.  The cop asked me my weight.  I must have looked confused because he explained that my driver license said I weighed 275 and there was no way I could weigh that.  HAHAHA!!

Im 3.5 months post surgery and have lost 70 pounds.  Health-wise I feel great!  I sleep better, I move better.  My eating is still a learning process but Im doing good.  Its the rest of my life thats going crazy now!  

I still am not working.  And just as I was getting all my ducks in a row to go back to school to learn a new career my hubby got a promotion and now we are moving to Colorado!  ACK!  So now we are awaiting to hear how soon we are moving.  I have a huge list of things to do before going.  Last time they gave us 3 weeks.  Its starting to look like this move could be the same.  We have decided to re-home our turtle and our chickens which makes me sad, but its necessary.  Its going to be hard enough to find a home that will let us take our 3 dogs!  

So now i have to find a new Bariatric Surgeon to do my follow ups with and a new gym.  Funny how those are the things im worried about more than finding a new job.  

I'm just over 3 months out from surgery and have lost 60 pounds so far.  I feel pretty good.  My eating has been pretty good but I find my cravings have gotten worse.  After 3 months of the same sort of thing I find I want to eat something different and crave the things I don't want to eat (bread, noodles, carbs).  I have been making a point to sit with the cravings and not give in.  That's not to say I have not had the occasional piece of toast or tortilla, but I have still stayed away from any sugar and what I have eaten has been accounted for on MFP and in moderation.  That's the name of the game, right?  I met with my surgeon for my 3-month appointment and he was very happy with my progress.  At 6 months ill have my blood drawn to make sure all my levels are good.

I have been pretty good with my exercise and have even started jogging.  I'm working on a Couch to 5K program so I can run the local 5K in December.  Kinda scares me but that's the point.  To get out of my comfort zone and do the things I dream of.  I'm also exploring going back to college.  I have been unemployed since just after surgery and have had no luck finding work.  I'm realizing being laid off and unemployed for so long has affected me more than I thought.   I'm looking into a degree in a different career field.  Something that keeps me out from behind a desk.  Fingers crossed I can come up with the funding.

My arm fit properly in the blood pressure machine at the YMCA!

As of today I weigh less than my 6"7" husband.  :)

Wow, time has flown by.  So far I am down 40 pounds.  Im still struggling to get all my water in and tend to stay with the softer foods and protein drinks.  Also I tend to forget to take my Dinner vitamins, which I need to stop doing.   Today I am trying a shot of espresso in my morning vanilla shake.  First real caffeine in 7 weeks.  Hopefully it will go good, I need the extra pep to get to the gym!  I finally got a Fit Bit and am ready step up my activity. I love how it shows everything and makes me accountable.  No more estimating how much activity I had in my walks.  If its not on the Fit Bit I don't get to count it!

I am still staying away from sugar and gluten, however last night I did pick at a piece of my hubbys pizza.  MMMMM, pizza.  I have been trying new things here and there.  Spaghetti squash is super yummy and my pouch has no problems with it.  Matzo ball soup is good but I wont do that too often due to the sodium content.  I have started to dislike eggs (which is too bad since I have chickens!) and have still not tried steak at all.  The bite or two I have had of hamburger didn't feel so good so I'm sticking with softer meats.  Chicken is still ok but crab and smoked salmon are the best!  Just stay away from the sushi! 

So I am trying not to get frustrated with my scale.  Yeah, I have lost 40 pounds since my pre-op liquid diet, but the scale has hardly moved in the last 3 weeks.  Yeah, yeah, typical 3-week stall.  I know im losing inches because all my clothes are starting to hang on me.  The scale will move about once or twice a week maybe 2 or 3 pounds all at once, but then the next day it will be back up 1 or 2 pounds.  Its still going in the right direction but sheesh...what a struggle!  I'm going back to CA at the end of June and I would like to be a bit smaller before people see me. 

I came across some old pictures this weekend that included the only 2 pictures I have at me at my absolute highest weight.  I looked terrible and just sad.  I'm already about 50+ pounds lighter than I was at that time.  Its a good reminder of where I came from and why I did all of this.  I am still very glad I chose to do this.  I do have my times where I just want to eat, maybe a couple times a week and usually when I'm stressed or upset.  But in that same moment of wanting to eat everything in sight I also don't want to eat anything at all. After a life of eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted this is a very strange feeling.  This little pouch of mine is ruling my life and that's not a bad thing.  It may be tiny but it will kick my a** if I try to cross it. 

Friday night I took my kids for sushi for dinner.  I love sushi, especially sashimi, and since I was tolerating food well I figured I could try a couple ounces of Ahi and Salmon.  Its good protein, easy to chew and soft to swallow...right?  BIG MISTAKE!  After a few bites I started feeling weird.  In total I ate about an ounce each of raw Ahi and Salmon with a bit of wasabi and soy sauce.  I don't know if I didn't chew it enough or if I ate too fast but It felt like it all got stuck and I started getting a lot of very thick mucus backing up in my mouth that I kept having to spit out along with pain in my chest.  This went on for over an hour.  Then the retching started.  For the next hour I went between spitting and retching until I got it all up.  By far the most disgusting thing I have ever been through.  Luckily once I got it all up I felt normal again.

Wont be trying that again anytime soon!

Ick.