praiseiswhatido
"Willing to dig deeper"
May 06, 2009
05/07/09-Today I woke up with my heart beating as it was going to jump out my body. Yesterday this happened as well and I begin to shake and a lady asked me "Are you ok" I just needed to sit down. I also noticed yesterday I wanted to eat all day and make so terrible choices with food but I did not give in but it's crazy how stresses of life feed me emotions to food or now get this or to just want to disappear.
I literally feel I am about to have a nervous breakdown. I can't hold anything without my hands trembling, I can't speak for long periods without feeling like I'm slurring my words or holding my hands. I am sitting here getting ready to expose the absolute truth. The question for me every hour is "What am I here for?" Now you must understand I am not on a negative role I am on a journey to discovering "Who I Am" This is only my 3rd post and as you can see emotionally I am on a roller coaster LOL! Hold on I need to look into my mirror right now and smile. Wow, I did it... God impressed upon me that I must keep my mirror by my computer at all times during thirs journey and get this it's a X5 view.
For some reason I just now reflected back crying "Mommie don't die, I love you, please don't leave me" Mommie wake up, wake up mommie why are you trying to leave me, I'll be a good girl, I'll do everything you need" It's time to call 911 because mommie won't wake up! All of a sudden when I pick up the phone Mommie is laughing at me saying you are stupid and my two sibblings come running down the hall laughing at me to. For some reason I was not laughing. This went on for a few years different death scenarios to draw me under a trap of guilt for everything and everyone I have grown up to feel responsible for their actions. Oh I understand why this is coming back to me I am understanding why certain mental issues I have dealt with. It's a trip at 41 years old I am reliving my life. I am the older of 3 sibblings the only one who graduated from high school, have worked all my life and didn't marry until 36 years old.
Even in writing this it makes me realize somethings about my other two sisters. One, I absolutely refuse to talk to the other one I just don't. I have hated my sister Tammy in the worst way for the past 4 years now and I promised to hold on to that hatred for everything that she has caused me and my family to go through. I have a pain deep in my stomach and in my heart that I can feel everytime I mention or her name has been mentioned. Oh God, I am crying right now.... I have to release the terrible things she has done to me. She has the most beautiful kids that I love some much that my love from them blinded me into sitting on trial before a judge for molestation charges against her two younger kids. Thank God for his everlasting favor in my life that he exposed her lying hand and she had to drop the charges but as this hatred has grown deeper and deeper in my heart just by typing a little of what I went through with my makes me understand that me and my sisters have all been affected just in different ways. They were young and my mom taught them how to treat me different. I was overweight also and they all instead of calling me by my name they just simply said "Fat it's time to eat" or Fat come here" That was so mean, they called me that for years even my mom.... I wanted her to say we love her but that's what they kept calling me CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW I FELT? Even right now how I feel it hurts but I do not want to stay there I want to let it (Oh my goodness I just threw up) What is wrong with me....
Right now, I am going to say I don't hate my sisters. I do understand this day, this very moment how our childhood has caused us to all have some crazy anger issues. I am not going to put myself in a position to be hurt but I will make the decision that I can no longer be mad at them but I need to pray for them. Notice I said I am making the decision to not be angry this is something I will need help and prayer in. This is one of those "God only you can" So if you believe is the power of God say a prayer for me as I stop now to go pray for myself.
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I literally feel I am about to have a nervous breakdown. I can't hold anything without my hands trembling, I can't speak for long periods without feeling like I'm slurring my words or holding my hands. I am sitting here getting ready to expose the absolute truth. The question for me every hour is "What am I here for?" Now you must understand I am not on a negative role I am on a journey to discovering "Who I Am" This is only my 3rd post and as you can see emotionally I am on a roller coaster LOL! Hold on I need to look into my mirror right now and smile. Wow, I did it... God impressed upon me that I must keep my mirror by my computer at all times during thirs journey and get this it's a X5 view.
For some reason I just now reflected back crying "Mommie don't die, I love you, please don't leave me" Mommie wake up, wake up mommie why are you trying to leave me, I'll be a good girl, I'll do everything you need" It's time to call 911 because mommie won't wake up! All of a sudden when I pick up the phone Mommie is laughing at me saying you are stupid and my two sibblings come running down the hall laughing at me to. For some reason I was not laughing. This went on for a few years different death scenarios to draw me under a trap of guilt for everything and everyone I have grown up to feel responsible for their actions. Oh I understand why this is coming back to me I am understanding why certain mental issues I have dealt with. It's a trip at 41 years old I am reliving my life. I am the older of 3 sibblings the only one who graduated from high school, have worked all my life and didn't marry until 36 years old.
Even in writing this it makes me realize somethings about my other two sisters. One, I absolutely refuse to talk to the other one I just don't. I have hated my sister Tammy in the worst way for the past 4 years now and I promised to hold on to that hatred for everything that she has caused me and my family to go through. I have a pain deep in my stomach and in my heart that I can feel everytime I mention or her name has been mentioned. Oh God, I am crying right now.... I have to release the terrible things she has done to me. She has the most beautiful kids that I love some much that my love from them blinded me into sitting on trial before a judge for molestation charges against her two younger kids. Thank God for his everlasting favor in my life that he exposed her lying hand and she had to drop the charges but as this hatred has grown deeper and deeper in my heart just by typing a little of what I went through with my makes me understand that me and my sisters have all been affected just in different ways. They were young and my mom taught them how to treat me different. I was overweight also and they all instead of calling me by my name they just simply said "Fat it's time to eat" or Fat come here" That was so mean, they called me that for years even my mom.... I wanted her to say we love her but that's what they kept calling me CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW I FELT? Even right now how I feel it hurts but I do not want to stay there I want to let it (Oh my goodness I just threw up) What is wrong with me....
Right now, I am going to say I don't hate my sisters. I do understand this day, this very moment how our childhood has caused us to all have some crazy anger issues. I am not going to put myself in a position to be hurt but I will make the decision that I can no longer be mad at them but I need to pray for them. Notice I said I am making the decision to not be angry this is something I will need help and prayer in. This is one of those "God only you can" So if you believe is the power of God say a prayer for me as I stop now to go pray for myself.
"I must deal with me"
May 03, 2009
As I woke up this morning thinking and feeling my world is going to be okay and talking to my husband and as we are talking about the recovery of my recent foot sugery he's mentioning to me "I have to get myself in shape because I am really overweight and my body can't handle the weight and it's breaking down and the surgeries I have had are just rediculous"
There would be a time in my life where I would feel those were the most mean statements in the world to me and hurt me or looking at the source as "He hurt me", "How could keep saying such mean things" at this point in my life I have come to understand he's not being mean to me but the words still hurt... Does that make sense? They hurt because they are true.... What is it.... What is my stronghold that when it's the good it's feels bad and why does the bad... FOOD feel so good... I try to often remember to the point where I begin finding comfort in food to deal with it but I honestly think that there has been so much craziness in my life that I think that I blocked it out.
As I type this I am just full of emotions... I honestly feel like I want to be a little girl protected from all the bad and at 41 years old I think I have isolated myself from the world and from me creating my own world that I am having a problem coping with reality.... Don't get me wrong this blog is going to be about my real inner most feelings about me.
I realize that I have some serious things to fight through and the biggest fight of them all is going to me... I am not going to go forward with regret of how I am or how I lived my life I am talking about acceptance of me and as I change there will be nothing to hold me back this time because I have already accepted me or what has created me to be me.
I have to do some changing.... See it's a good thing to change... Lion King says it best "Change is good" Why am I crying because I have to do something good.... Crying as it hurts, or letting go, when shouldn't I feel good to be moving forward and only feelings of good... That's the part that I have problems identifying with.
LIfe is not about me now it's about me and my family and my friends. My husband some may say he is mean, sarcastic or whatever the biggest difference I think between us is he loves himself no matter what and through all he's been through he loves him so I'm thinking God set me up with a man that is positive, that will fight no matter what and his love for me and for us is what drives him to say the things he say... But.... I have to stay focus because in the end if God was to take him from me I have to still be standing for me.... I'm not speaking negative because God knows I love and trust my husband and he's my best friend but now 4 years + into this marriage I have some catching up to do and that is loving myself just as much as others feel they do.
I have decided that the one thing in life that I always felt I had was a smile... Over the years I have stopped smiling... A preacher once said "If the devil can steal your mind and your joy he's got you" So I have some recoverying to do and that is just to regain my inner joy.... Not a ficticious outter joy but an inner joy.... I have to get intouch with my feelings... My husband always said if you feel something don't think about it just do it... These little things are my starting points. I just looked in the mirror and smiled and said what a pretty smile.
I talked to my husband about taking this journey with me because really he is the most dedicated person I know to any assigned given task but I'm not sure if he really understands how much I need him.... Sometimes, I feel he breathes for me when I also feel like I'm sufficating inside. He tells me all the time I will find a reason to stress and it's just me and him in the house and I get so jumpy all the time.... It's because I don't feel safe within me... I feel like a thousand emotions and feelings just going all over the place and I feel like such a weak person to want someone to just hold me and say everything is alright not what's wrong with you. As I just tapped into another feeling screaming out Stephanie you can do it and you will be okay. Let it go.... I have always had a since of protecting myself because I had this fear of everyone that I love will leave me at some point.... Oh ok it's coming out now... The only love and protection that I felt in my childhood was from my Granny.... My mom was so jealous of her loving me because she didn't show the love to my mom that she needed as child... When Granny died I felt there is nothing and no one left for me in fact my mom told me that... In my mind today everyone that I loved with everything has left me at some point I have experienced that pain.... Now, not to say that my husband, or my friends are not in the roles in my life prior to a permament or temporary separation but the illusion in my mind that they left is something that I have to deal with and not saying either that I wasn't a contributing factor but the event happened right, wrong or indifferent and each event did it bring me closer to loving myself or did I do self destroying things to myself like just wanting to die or eating myself to death... YOU GUESSED IT! I chose to die instead of live....
I'm still here.... HAHAHHAHA God has a plan for me and that is to chose life instead of death... How do I welcome the love that surrounds me... As I smile again just do it... A couple of my favorite quotes my husband taught me is "The only things that matter are the things that matter" also "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change" and..."Who told you to feel that way and think that way" So this is what I'm doing after the things he said to me this morning when sadness started to inter my head I said to myself "Who told me to think this way" and put on some gosple music and now sitting at my computer expressing who I am...
0 comments
There would be a time in my life where I would feel those were the most mean statements in the world to me and hurt me or looking at the source as "He hurt me", "How could keep saying such mean things" at this point in my life I have come to understand he's not being mean to me but the words still hurt... Does that make sense? They hurt because they are true.... What is it.... What is my stronghold that when it's the good it's feels bad and why does the bad... FOOD feel so good... I try to often remember to the point where I begin finding comfort in food to deal with it but I honestly think that there has been so much craziness in my life that I think that I blocked it out.
As I type this I am just full of emotions... I honestly feel like I want to be a little girl protected from all the bad and at 41 years old I think I have isolated myself from the world and from me creating my own world that I am having a problem coping with reality.... Don't get me wrong this blog is going to be about my real inner most feelings about me.
I realize that I have some serious things to fight through and the biggest fight of them all is going to me... I am not going to go forward with regret of how I am or how I lived my life I am talking about acceptance of me and as I change there will be nothing to hold me back this time because I have already accepted me or what has created me to be me.
I have to do some changing.... See it's a good thing to change... Lion King says it best "Change is good" Why am I crying because I have to do something good.... Crying as it hurts, or letting go, when shouldn't I feel good to be moving forward and only feelings of good... That's the part that I have problems identifying with.
LIfe is not about me now it's about me and my family and my friends. My husband some may say he is mean, sarcastic or whatever the biggest difference I think between us is he loves himself no matter what and through all he's been through he loves him so I'm thinking God set me up with a man that is positive, that will fight no matter what and his love for me and for us is what drives him to say the things he say... But.... I have to stay focus because in the end if God was to take him from me I have to still be standing for me.... I'm not speaking negative because God knows I love and trust my husband and he's my best friend but now 4 years + into this marriage I have some catching up to do and that is loving myself just as much as others feel they do.
I have decided that the one thing in life that I always felt I had was a smile... Over the years I have stopped smiling... A preacher once said "If the devil can steal your mind and your joy he's got you" So I have some recoverying to do and that is just to regain my inner joy.... Not a ficticious outter joy but an inner joy.... I have to get intouch with my feelings... My husband always said if you feel something don't think about it just do it... These little things are my starting points. I just looked in the mirror and smiled and said what a pretty smile.
I talked to my husband about taking this journey with me because really he is the most dedicated person I know to any assigned given task but I'm not sure if he really understands how much I need him.... Sometimes, I feel he breathes for me when I also feel like I'm sufficating inside. He tells me all the time I will find a reason to stress and it's just me and him in the house and I get so jumpy all the time.... It's because I don't feel safe within me... I feel like a thousand emotions and feelings just going all over the place and I feel like such a weak person to want someone to just hold me and say everything is alright not what's wrong with you. As I just tapped into another feeling screaming out Stephanie you can do it and you will be okay. Let it go.... I have always had a since of protecting myself because I had this fear of everyone that I love will leave me at some point.... Oh ok it's coming out now... The only love and protection that I felt in my childhood was from my Granny.... My mom was so jealous of her loving me because she didn't show the love to my mom that she needed as child... When Granny died I felt there is nothing and no one left for me in fact my mom told me that... In my mind today everyone that I loved with everything has left me at some point I have experienced that pain.... Now, not to say that my husband, or my friends are not in the roles in my life prior to a permament or temporary separation but the illusion in my mind that they left is something that I have to deal with and not saying either that I wasn't a contributing factor but the event happened right, wrong or indifferent and each event did it bring me closer to loving myself or did I do self destroying things to myself like just wanting to die or eating myself to death... YOU GUESSED IT! I chose to die instead of live....
I'm still here.... HAHAHHAHA God has a plan for me and that is to chose life instead of death... How do I welcome the love that surrounds me... As I smile again just do it... A couple of my favorite quotes my husband taught me is "The only things that matter are the things that matter" also "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change" and..."Who told you to feel that way and think that way" So this is what I'm doing after the things he said to me this morning when sadness started to inter my head I said to myself "Who told me to think this way" and put on some gosple music and now sitting at my computer expressing who I am...
Just Stephanie "Keeping it Real
May 01, 2009
05012009 - Wiow it is amazing after all these years I yet find myself returning the the website that encouraged me to change my life forever. I had WLS almost 6 years ago and as I revisited my profile I just loved writing my life's journey down for the world to see. This picture on my profile was so long ago but what is so amazing I am at the same weight maybe a little smaller when I took this picture.
What I have learned throughout this entire WLS journey is you can change your body but if your mindset does not change right along with it you can best believe the odds are so far against you. Ha, I thought losing weight was going to make me feel better, be happier yeah, it's helps you feel better physically but if your not taking care of those mental weights, the things that got me so overweight I can never win.
Being overweight is so very hard at times because you feel like its your own very dark secret but in actual reality the whole world knows and sees what we struggle with. I title my Blog "Just Stephanie" because this time around I am not going to do another surgery but I am going to take the time to figure out just who I am.
My journey begins.... As I write now I must look at my life am I truly happy - well, I have to be honest here and the answer is yes and no... I am happy that I have decided to take the necessary steps to put my life out for the world to see just how my progress go but I am not going trick you or myself into thinking everyone is going to be on board. I went from a size 36 to now a 24/26 but as low at 18/20 so there we have it. The first thing I have realized beginning this journey again that food needs to stop being my friend. I litterally have to look at food in certain instances and say I don't like you. I need to stay peaceful... I have noticed that people like myself that are overweight want to help solve the worlds problems and be everyone's friend. Well guess who is my friend? Me....
I am married to a wonderful husband who loves me for me all of me but he also wants me to be healthier so that we enjoy life together much longer and more fulfilled. NOW, I really don't like talking about the marriage thing because it makes me focus sometimes off of what I am trying to do for me and me alone but by me doing this will inturn effect our marriage in a more positive way. It's a trip because most overweight people that I know also have spouses that overweight not me I have a muscle body builder yikes.
Well, I am getting sleepy but I am so interested in your feedback also if you are interested in joining me on this reality journey hop right on boad.
0 comments
What I have learned throughout this entire WLS journey is you can change your body but if your mindset does not change right along with it you can best believe the odds are so far against you. Ha, I thought losing weight was going to make me feel better, be happier yeah, it's helps you feel better physically but if your not taking care of those mental weights, the things that got me so overweight I can never win.
Being overweight is so very hard at times because you feel like its your own very dark secret but in actual reality the whole world knows and sees what we struggle with. I title my Blog "Just Stephanie" because this time around I am not going to do another surgery but I am going to take the time to figure out just who I am.
My journey begins.... As I write now I must look at my life am I truly happy - well, I have to be honest here and the answer is yes and no... I am happy that I have decided to take the necessary steps to put my life out for the world to see just how my progress go but I am not going trick you or myself into thinking everyone is going to be on board. I went from a size 36 to now a 24/26 but as low at 18/20 so there we have it. The first thing I have realized beginning this journey again that food needs to stop being my friend. I litterally have to look at food in certain instances and say I don't like you. I need to stay peaceful... I have noticed that people like myself that are overweight want to help solve the worlds problems and be everyone's friend. Well guess who is my friend? Me....
I am married to a wonderful husband who loves me for me all of me but he also wants me to be healthier so that we enjoy life together much longer and more fulfilled. NOW, I really don't like talking about the marriage thing because it makes me focus sometimes off of what I am trying to do for me and me alone but by me doing this will inturn effect our marriage in a more positive way. It's a trip because most overweight people that I know also have spouses that overweight not me I have a muscle body builder yikes.
Well, I am getting sleepy but I am so interested in your feedback also if you are interested in joining me on this reality journey hop right on boad.
