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It has been a long time I since I posted. I get on here and see what in going on with the forums and use the calorie counter but rarely get to my profile. I am over 200 now. I am so disgusted with myself and my choices. I can't stop abusing food. I know it is what I put in my mouth. I can do so well and not overeat or do what I shouldn't and then about nine pm I start stuffing my face with sweets. I am addicted to sugar. I am trying to do low carbs and have started back to Jazzercise. it is so much harder at 200 than at 150 pounds. even gastric bypass can't fix me!

Well another year has come and gone and I am still here dealing with food. I now know so much more about myself. Mainly that I am an addict and that food is my addiction. If I were addicted to drugs or alcohol, I would be in rehab. However there is no rehab for those of us that use food to make ourselves feel better. How many times do we eat when we aren't hungry? I have tried for two years to undo everything the surgeon did. I have eaten like a pig. I have now started to gain and I am in a constant state of fear, guilt, and disgust of myself. Since the Christmas break I have been trying to wean myself off the sugar and carbs but know that it will be a long haul. I tell myself every day that I won't use myself as a garbage can and that I deserve more. But I know I must feel like I don't because I always go back to the same ole comforts. I thought today of something quite profound, eating to hurt yourself is like a person who cuts him or herself. Would I do that? Certainly not! Then why do I stuff my face and my pouch? Because I hate myself? Because I am crying out for someone to finally hear me? That is the question. Kinda like Keith Urban says, "If I knew what I was doing, I'd be doing it right now!" So the journey continues and the struggle never ends.

Good morning all,

    I am hanging in there and realizing that surgery does not fix us. We have to struggle every day with the choices we make concerning the food that goes in. I am getting better control and that is really empowering. I wish for everyone to have a great day tomorrow. May you have control and feel at peace!

Sheila

Today is June 9, 2009. It is hard for me to believe that it has been almost a year since I had my surgery. I have lost about 130 pounds. Of course, that is wonderful. Our support group leader always asks for "WOW" moments and I have had many since this journey began. I think the best thing is that I can cross my legs! I haven't been able to do that in years. The other thing is having energy to do what I want and be able to walk for a distance without becoming winded. It is also wonderful to bend over and pick something up from the floor. For me this has been a dream and I am always afraid I will wake up and be big again. The hardest part for me is not the eating but the feelings of self worth. I look at myself and hate how I look. Yes, it's great to be smaller but I see this hideous body! If I had been married and with someone for 18 years like I was, I don't think I'd feel the way I do. I don't want to be "on the market" like this. I don't know how to tell a new man about my bypass surgery, I don't know what they will say if they ever see my ugly body. I want to have plastic surgery as soon as possible but know that is a ways off since I can't afford it now. I stay busy and try not to dwell on how I feel about all of this. It is wonderful and liberating in so many ways. However, it is frustrating because I want it to look better. Dr. Green did not fix my brain - only my stomach. That is a problem I have to work on forever.

I am home today because it is MLK Day. Most schools are in inservice but thankfully, mine isn't. So much has changed for me in the last few months. First of all, I have lost over a hundred pounds. I weighed 193 at the doctor on Wednesday. I am excited to be below 200 pounds in a long time. I am also excited to have lost so much in the past few months. I am still having some issues with my stomach. The truly sad part of all of this is the impending divorce in my life. My husband drives the train and has been living out of town for the past few months. He called me after Thanksgiving to tell me he wanted a divorce. I was totally blindsided and have been in shock about it all. He has a girlfriend where he is living. I look at myself and see my saggy skin and cringe. I still hope to go to graduate school and become a principal soon. It has been delayed by all of this. I have filed for divorce and am waiting for my life to end and begin again. I am sad that things had to change and he didn't get to benefit from the skinny me. But I am not sorry I ever had my surgery.

It has now been eight weeks since my surgery. I have lost about 50 lbs and am very excited about that, I can finally tell I am losing weight. I have gone down a few dress sizes - 32 to 24! It seems to me that this is all a dream and I will wake up and be big again. My sleep apnea is gone and I can tell my energy level is returning. I am looking forward to graduate school next semester and living my life!

Today is officially Sunday, but the wee hours of the morning! I am up with gas pains and trying to get my body to comply and not rebel against me. My surgery was on Thursday and I guess it was fairly textbook. I had a hard time in recovery with pain and a difficult time with the nurses. I got put on a wing different from the other bariatric patients. I didn't get meds on time and then when they brought them, they'd bring too much to overcompenstae. Then I'd have the nausea and vomiting. Thank the Lord my sweet daughter was with me througout the night. I came home the next evening just to avoid that shift of nurses. I am now trying to get used to my new pouch and not feeling hungry. I can feel the liquids in my stomach and intestines. It is a strange sensation.  It is also hard not to glup. Walking and exercising hasn't been difficult. Actually the walking and standing feels better on my tummy. The little exercises that the physical therapist gave me are very simple and easy to do. I am just impatient to get life back to some sense of normalcy.

Today is July 13th and I am only four days away from a new me. The last time I wrote was over two years ago. I had submitted my request for surgery three times to BCBS, only to be denied again and again. Honestly, I had given up. My wonderful husband has a job where we have insurance choices - Thank the Lord! We switched to United and I got approved the first time we sent in my request. This is not a decision I take lightly. I have researched for five years and am so excited to begin this new journey. I am not like everyone else, I guess. I am not eating constantly nor do I feel sad about the food I will no longer be able to eat. Perhaps it will hit me later. I only know that I simply must do something to help my myself. This is a tool and I know it will be a long and difficult road. But in order to be successful there must be some work involved. Otherwise it would be too easy and therefore not appreciated. I will try to post some new photos as I am getting better with technology.