Happy New Year 2011

Dec 31, 2010

Well another year has come and gone and I am still here dealing with food. I now know so much more about myself. Mainly that I am an addict and that food is my addiction. If I were addicted to drugs or alcohol, I would be in rehab. However there is no rehab for those of us that use food to make ourselves feel better. How many times do we eat when we aren't hungry? I have tried for two years to undo everything the surgeon did. I have eaten like a pig. I have now started to gain and I am in a constant state of fear, guilt, and disgust of myself. Since the Christmas break I have been trying to wean myself off the sugar and carbs but know that it will be a long haul. I tell myself every day that I won't use myself as a garbage can and that I deserve more. But I know I must feel like I don't because I always go back to the same ole comforts. I thought today of something quite profound, eating to hurt yourself is like a person who cuts him or herself. Would I do that? Certainly not! Then why do I stuff my face and my pouch? Because I hate myself? Because I am crying out for someone to finally hear me? That is the question. Kinda like Keith Urban says, "If I knew what I was doing, I'd be doing it right now!" So the journey continues and the struggle never ends.

0 Comments