ToxicAngel

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I am really trying hard to keep on track an not loose hope in my journey. I have alot of stress factors on my plate as of late an it keeps pushen me deeper into dispair. An to top it off it is my mothers 70th birthday today. She passed this past June. Holidays were hard with out her an now it is her special day an she is no longer here. I have worked so hard to get where I am an work to a healthier lifestyle before surgery. That all these stresses an missing my mother so much is maken me wanna stear away from the road I been traveling so diligently. But, I pick up the pieces an keep pushing through as I refuse to go back where I came from. I did weight in this morning on an up note. Since haven started my own work outs an healthy eating for 6 months I went from 390 lbs to 369.3 lbs. So that is a serious plus for me. I see my family dr soon an we are looking to go to a new place in town for my 2nd opinion. Hopefully I make it this time around. But if not. I will keep on trucken till I find one who will.

In my search for more help on surgery. I came across this site. In a last ditch effort to find some kind of help for me. Before it is to late. I come from a family of obese ppl. It is common in my family to be large. But it is also common to die from it in my family. An I dont wanna suffer the same fate as the rest. It scares me to death. For a better lack of words that is. What is stopping me from recieving help is my first denial from my insurance due to mental issues from the past. I had a nervous break down when my father passed away in 2007. An that discredited me. I am Bi Polar ( another family trait ) which got me a denial. An becuase I did something really stupid when I was 16. I tried to commit suicide then. I have not tried anything like that since. But thoes 3 reasons disqualified me via my insurance. I am trying to appeal it. This is hard. I feel so alone. My family is very supportive. An help as much as possible. But they dont know what it feels like being trapped inside my body. But to hear some one tell me NO. Just makes me even more determined. I dont take NO very well.  I am scared. I am gonna die. One day my heart is gonna quit. It is gonna say I have had enough an just stop. I will be just like everyone else in my family. I have 2 boys. 22 an 18. An I have a beautiful grand daughter. I want to play with her. I want to crawl around on the ground with her. I want to hug her. I wanna see her grow up into an amazing little woman. But if I dont get help soon. I fear I will never see that. I have an amazing fience. He is supportive an helpful an very concerned about me.  An we dont have 30 thousand dollars or the credit to pay for it ourselfs.  So to fight the mental dr an the insurance company is all I have.  I will not stop fighting till I get my gastric bypass. All's I know this is the ONLY thing that is gonna save my life. I want out of this living hell I live in every day. Some one some where PLEASE help me.