tracymillsred

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Ever wake up and feel like the whole  dang world is  coming at   you ? Like no matter what you do  theres drama  from all ends ??   Every thing you say in this day will be , can be   taken the wrong way  . Your supervisor at work   is pissed   off with you  -  your  partner  is mad at you  for whatever  reason  , your   hair doesnt  come out  right  . You   miss your bus train  or  car breaks down  and maybe  it starts   to  rain .    What  do   you   do on days like this ?  Do you   cry ?  Have    a  lil something to eat   - drink ?  What ????????
     Today i woke up  set out to do  one thing ended up having one of those days  . I   can cry   , i can yell   or i can let God . So before i cuss someone out -   before i open my mouth  -  i stop . I know that im blessed to have a job where   some have none  . Im blessed to have  a temporary   roof over my head   where others have   nothing    and im blessed to be breathing  . Could i have more  yes  maybe   but you know what ?  I thank God for all i have and  evrery thing   i dont have - I am blessed  to have my days  just a thought .............

Good morning all , 
    When i started  this  i told myself that   i would be honest to the point  where  people  would  be like TMI lolololol No i dont mean i would gross  any one out  but i   wanted   to do more than   document   appointments ,  weight loss   and  tales  of jello . I wanted to  give any   one  whos reading this a sense of what it feels  like to be in my   skin . To know  that   you are not alone   - if you feel  me . Sort of like one of my favorite    singers   Mary  J. Blige  . Her fans love her because  we listen and know    that   when she sings   she feels what she sings  . They know theres a   real person behind  the   songs  - a person that   didnt just decide  she wanted  to be  a certain way   because its in . Like the song says " Take me  as i am  - or have nothing at all " 
   So    with that  said   i am  honest  with how  i feel  - how i got to this   point was years of having to make like every thing was ok . Having to always be funny  " on stage  "  so to speak because  i felt  like   no one  would  like Tracy  the way  she is . You know fat people we are always  jolly   . Or maybe  you like me , go  of your   way to be nice  to people  who  dont like you or think  that they   can speak one day and not the next depending  on   how they feel   . Or maybe  , like me     you  find your self having to dumb things  down    for people  who just dont  get   it  . Or maybe   like me  , you find your self speaking  reallllllyyyy...............  slow     because   .....  you .... speak ...faster ...than .... they .....  listen  .......... Thats real  talk  ............ 
      Yesterday   was  one of those  days  . I work as a customer  service rep . My com pany handles insurance   so often times  people call in to  talk about their claims  or   have  thed insurance   explained to them .  Well  yesterday   was a  day of screamers  ., Every one wanted  to scream  - every  one was   nasty   - every one wanted a supervisor   and every one   wanted   EVERY  THING .  Anything  that could go wrong did  from Customer complaint   to  customers  cursing    AND   i   had cramps !   Not  a good day , so when i got home   what did  i do ?????   I wanted   to eat  . Some of us do that . 
   Happy - grab a candy bar  , sad  ??  Go get that  left  over mnac and cheese   oh and  some  chicken  . Bored ????  Well theres   always   food . Emotional   eating   - ahhhhh    this is how you  cope . 
    People  seem to think   this  obesity  thing   isnt   the  same or worst  than   any other  addiction  . In fact this is worst !  You cant  just NOT  eat lolololol  The difference is  you have to   eat   to live . The wiring has    to change   or no surgery  - no    diet shake  can help  you   if you hav ethe same view of food .  Still   its   hard  there are days  ...... whew   when   i  just want to roll  up  in  a blanket  get my cry on    and eat a   pint of  ice cream   and 3 slices  of   pizza . 
    I am proud of   my self   because last night   i  thought about   it  - yep i cried  - i was   stressed   out   and pissed  off  . I prayed   and im soooo  over it . I woke up  with   a  lil worry  which  felt a  whole lot  better  than  a sore tummy  !  
                                     - be blessed

Hey  Ya'll  ! 
    Well i went  to  the  support   meeting   and   it  was wonderful  to  have so  many people    to  relate  to  . I   was   most    impressed  with   the honesty   shown  .   The whole meeting  was   very  up lifting and i can  honestly  say that  i am    more  than  happy  with  the  choice i have made   . I look  forward   to one day soon being able to  share my post op   stor y  . 
      Before i go -  i met   a woman  ( im horrible   with names   - sorry sweetie  )  who is   having   her  surgery   Monday  .  She is  also a  patient   of Dr . Cooperstone' s   and  we have made plans   to connect after   we both   lose   a little   -   and go man watching lol Doesnt hurt to look  lolololololol   My   heart    is   honestly   still   with   William -  which   is honestly   a dang shame  -   so looking   is   just that  . I can   joke  all i want about  " coochie coupons " once i lose  the  pounds   but   until i    work on me  emotionally  its just that   a joke  .  So  with that   said  this  wonderful   woman    is in my prayers  because i know God   doesnt  need  me to   speak   her name  or remember   her  address   to know   that she   is   in   my   thoughts as she  makes   this   step     toward s    a better life . 
        So  gurl,    if   you    are   reading   this   - know   that i am   thinking of you   and  make sure you  use   this   tool  and  work   the   heck outta it  ! Im praying  for you  - always  !
    

    Ok , so the blood test  is done - thank good ness  ! It took a few    sticks  lol but it was  done  - im a bigggggggg baby so im happy its over !  The support meeting is   Weds.  1/17   - oh  a step closer  !

First off , let me just say i am sooooooooooooo blessed to have "met "   so many wonderful   people   on this  site . All the advice  has been very  very helpful as  well as knowing im not alone in this  journey . 
    Now for the meat of the matter  . I called   Dr . Cooperstone 's   office today -  as always they are sooo nice to me when i call  - my results of my sleep  study are  in  *(  drum  roll  please ...........)  SERVERE  SLEEP  APNEA - ok  i was  expecting sleep apnea    however  i wasnt  expecting   servere  -  Bonnie was right  - as always  ( dont  tell her though  - shes  getting too   used to  being right  lol ) Any ways , tomorrow   i have  a  appointment   with  my PCP  - I need a letter  from him   and   T3   testing  . After these things are done 2more hurdles   and  im done  - well   at least    almost to the finish line  lol  
   I keep  psch  ing   myself out   because  im trying   to  envision   myself on the other  side of this whol;e   journey   - just a  lil bit more  i keep telling myself . Shoot  leave it to me  - im  already   picking out   Victoria secret  undies  and bras  - shoot to wear  colored  bras that dont cost like 35.00!  Im already   gearing   myself   up    for  the wonderful walking im going to do free  of back pain   - free  from my knees hurting me  or my  thighs rubbing togetter  .
     Yes im gearing up for life !  

Another day another dollar  - or  50 cents  :) 
   Yesterday  , i was  able to make  get in to see my PCP  on  friday  however  i was  told he wouldnt be able to do a complete   testing . He will  do the t3    and forward   the results  to  Dr Cooperstone  - whooo hooooooo  . It 's  wonderful  when   the Dr.s work   togetter  . I cant tell you   how many time s , i have  followed  up for  the Dr.s  office  or called   to make sure this one got this or that  . This is  a  wonderful   change  - well  let me hold off on praise . 
   As  im sure many can relate  , often   we get all  hyped  up  only to  find out something was missing  from what was needed  or a date has been pushed  back etc.  So ill  wait  and see what happens  ................

Today is another  day . Im going to try to make a appointment  with my PCP   ........... Ill let  you all know   what  happens .

HEYYYYYY  HOW U  DOIN ????? 
    Today the Food Police comes back  - yep   BONNIE   is in the building lol  - In case i forgot to mention  Bonnie   is like  a guardian angel   to the gates of hell to me . Ill explain ,  currently  i am seperated  from my husband  ( more on that later )  any way  i needed a place to live and  Bonnie needed  the extra income  so  i rent  from her . 
     We also  work togetter  so thats  cool beans - umm some times lol Bonnie haD  WLS   4years ago  - im using the same  Dr  for my surgery - so any way  she sort  of polices  me . We are close  - sort  of like  sisters  , however  any one that knows us will  tell you - you DONOT PLAY  WITH MS BONNIE   . So  as Drill  sgt. is back i have made a effort   to hide  all   fatty foods lol  and every thing that can be related to fun  . There wasnt much  because i know i cant  have every thing but i did have  pizza  . Felt so guilty  when i saw Bonnie  like 30 minutes ago i ran over to her  and confessed  . Turns  out she already   knew - cant  get away   with any thing lol  i was like it was nt   alot  she was like ummm hummmmm  - i know  im really going to be running  now ! lol  I did   leave  the pizza  in the fridge  ...........a criminal always looks for ways to get caught 
     Im happy shes home  . I paid the 100.00 to Dr Strangle love  so i guess  i  can eat healthier ewwww  the thought - im kiddin  i  will do what i have to  in order to get what i need  and be where i need to be . 
     So  yepppers  i am on the way  ........ support  meeting is on the 10th  so i will be there  with bells on ! Ready  to learn  all i can   -   you all keep me in your prayers - you all know i need it ! :)

Well  tomorrow is  my day off  however i was able to get a  appointment with a  person  who is going to basically   tell me that im  un healthy  - whew   shocking lol  Then   he will give me a diet  - even more shocking  - now  this  is the great finish  - he will then ask me to pay him 100.00 ! Lets not  forget this is @ a discount because  he has a business relationship with my   Dr. lol AHHHH   I get it " Dance puppet dance "
    Honestly  i aint mad at him thats a heck of a racket  good work if you can find it  - even better if you can convince   some one   like me to pay you 50.00  a week to use your  scale   and watch you  write notes  while you chew on your  pen lol At this  point it doesnt matter because you know what guys ?  I would clean  Macys windows  in  wearing a trash bag  and a hot  pink boa  while  doing Beyonces  booty shake  - singing  Coal miners DAughter   by Loretta Lynn  - if it gets  my life back . 
    So  bring it on Mr  pen chewer .............