To Eat or Not To Eat is NOT The Question!

Jun 30, 2010

So here I am somewhere on the road to losing "me"...or should I say parts of me. Never in a million years did I think I'd be on this journey...yet here I am 25 years old and headed straight for the surgeon's table for WLS. Getting to the decision of WLS was not easy. I was ashamed. I didn't want to tell anyone. I didn't want to face facts. I didn't want to accept the fact that I hadn't seen a reasonable weight since I was 19 years old. I thought to myself "I will go with Lap Band"...it seemed like the less serious choice. It seemed like the easier of the surgeries...RNY? Not me said I! SO...after! an excruciatingly embarrassing visit with my PCP to tell her all of my physical ailments that were not getting better...even after Slim Fast....excercising DAILY at the gym...murdering myself on the elipitcal....eating things I hate...I had to admit that I was simply FAILING at being a loser except really I was excelling at being a loser...just not the good kind My doctor said to me in her sweet voice; it's time to consider WLS. And there was no shock there...I expected this. I had even discussed it with my husband weeks before who by the way was totally opposed to the idea of any WLS. So there I was at a seminar that very evening in a room full of folks who looked just like me. Rolly Polly and dazed and confused ....Some folks were gung ho about WLS...some even seemed  exhilerated at the thought of being poked...prodded....inserted with plastic rings....nipped...stapled...etc. I was more on the fence...was I prepared to deal with possibly dumping? After listening to the Dietcian go on and on about the various surgeries my mind was swirling with talk of erosions, leaking wounds, displacement, dumping, pain, starving, protein, over eating,small portions etc. I thought my brain was going to exlode!  In what seemed like the longest hour and a half I discovered that the Lap Band would be virtually useless for me. I was simply put too overweight. Go figure....a surgery for the overweight and I was TOO overweight....so the next thing was VSG...seemed reasonable...there was no re-plumbing...no malabsorption....seemed like the right choice....so I said "We have a winner!" Except after doing all my research on VSG...joining the forums on VSG...talking to the doctors about VSG....just to find out today that my insurance will NOT cover this "experimental" surgery...and my only other option was the dreaded RNY....So here I was on a downhill ride...signing papers...asking the Nurse and Dietician a gazillion questions...my husband looking on stupified and finally I was face to face with this blue eyed English accented surgeon who was witty, precise, and telling me just exactly how he was going to operate on me. Before I knew it I was shaking hands with the hands that were going to change my life...I walked out of Bariatric Surgery with a folder full of referrals..a 4 lb weight loss...and a head swirling with "what if's". After a pretty scattered brain rest of the day at work I made a decision. In fact I made the decision somewhere between filing papers and sending emails to my clients...I was going to document this journey in my OWN voice. No faking...no fronting..just honesty. The good the bad and the ugly...I realized that there are MILLIONS of others who feel JUST like me...some just don't have the voice...some are too scared...shy...ashamed...so I decided I will be the voice for all the silent...shy and embarrassed bigums just like me. I wlll share my journey with anyone who is willing to listen. Someone somewhere will be touched...I'm just sure of it! There is a small woman hiding somewhere inside me...I know she's there...she's been crying for years to get out...but I've just been shutting her up with cookies and cakes Not anymore...I amfinally on my way to letting her out....I have no idea how that will change me...I don't know who I will be after this...or even during this journey...but I am determined to find "me" who ever she might be...will you join me?

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