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Late reply I know, sorry! I'm a trans woman, so your specific situation isn't one that resonates totally with me. But I am also losing weight partly because of surgery concerns. The surgeon who will be doing my SRS wants my BMI to be 40 or lower before my surgery. It's been a big thing keeping me motivated. For me, the biggest thing that's helped has been my utter lack of appetite in the 5 weeks since surgery. Maybe "utter lack of appetite" is a stretch. I do get hungry, but not often. Its helped me think of food in terms of a thing I have to do instead of "I'm hungry so I'm gonna eat." Its something I schedule, and I don't eat off that schedule. I've been able to find plenty of stuff I actually enjoy so I'm not torturing myself. I enjoy and look forward to eating, and I'm eating good stuff. Of course in far smaller amounts thanks to my surgery. I just keep thinking of how good its going to feel when my body is whole after my surgery and it keeps me going in the times where I'm struggling. Best of luck to you my friend
It's an interesting paradox that women who support equality and freedom for both sexes would feel justified in criticizing the decisions of other women regarding WLS.
No one held a gun to my head, in fact - WLS was my idea! I don't really see how women forcing their opinions on each other is much different than patriarchy, honestly.
I don't surround myself with other women who make it a sport to be critical of each other.
i'll own up to the fact that with a BMI of 36 and no comorbities from my weight, I totally did this to be healthier but also to look better. For myself and for my wife. I have lost weight successfully in the past (100lbs) following a keto lifestyle, but inevitably one or two meals would lead to more and more bad decisions and I regained.
I want to be fit, yes. I want to live longer, yes. I'd like to bring my groceries up 3 flights of stairs without getting winded, absolutely. But I also want to look better.
I'm not femme or butch, I'm just me. Those labels don't mean much to me and I've never identified with either.
i know the minute I felt my friends were passing judgement on me because of a label, or claiming that I'm not a feminist anymore - I'd be finding new friends. I'd rather have no friends than be judged, tarred and feathered by people who don't get a say in my decisions.
Freeway philosopher.
For my partner the fears lessened over the first year. I think it is a process for them just like it is for us. Give them some time and lots of communication.
~E
Consultation weight: 265, Surgery date: 10/6/15, Goal: 150, Current weight: 129; 5'5, 46 years old
"I am basically food's creepy ex-girlfriend. I know we can't be together anymore but I just want to spend time hanging out" ~me, about why I love cooking so much post WLS
I'm a trans woman, and yes, absolutely. I made a post on Facebook about how happy I was with my progress and someone went on a diatribe about weightism and fatphobia. I'm losing weight (and had gastric sleeve surgery two weeks ago) for two reasons 1. my health, and 2. because i have to get down to at least 270 before my surgeon will do bottom surgery on me. Celebrating my weight loss means celebrating my progress toward those two goals. Thankfully that's been pretty much the whole of it. I do have to admit to a bit of internalized fatphobia, but that's certainly not my primary reason, or even a significant reason for doing what I did.
Thank you so much for responding and your words are very wise. It does all come down to communication and we are both working on that together. 10 years together and every day you gotta make an effort - it's so important. Wishing you all the best too, many thanks again.
C
Hi C.
Oh wow, I am sending you so much loving support as you process everything C. The physical alone is a work in progress, but to be in someone else's head space too.. It's a lot of energy to carry. You already know you don't need that extra stress right now as you recover and adjust to your WLS.
Please, please have a sit down with your wife. No matter what you guys have gone through in the past or where you are currently, TALK to her. Let her know how much you look forward to better health and a refresher on your looks, but that those two areas are where the newness and differences STOP. Remind her of your eternal commitment to loving her, cherishing your marriage and growing through life, learning and loving with her. Encourage her to make some health changes IF that is what she wants. Verbalize that you realize the tool and gift that your surgery is for losing weight, but that as her spouse you are committed to putting in the effort to helping her lose weight, tone up or whatever, as well.
If you love her, talk to her. Write it down. Make a youtube video or sing her a song... But this is HARD STUFF! The fear, the insecurity and the loss that a loved one feels when the other partner gets healthy is such a MAJOR blow!! You may need to seek counseling, find a support group for family & friends of WLS patients, or just keep reassuring her through literature, articles and videos about folks who've gone through this.
Mostly, keep reminding her that WLS is a process and you NEED her support. Now that the tool is in place the weight loss will begin, but the emotional will be strongly guided by the support you have.
I hope nothing but peace and success for you in your relationship with your wife, with your WLS and within your own heart.
Marie.
Hi MareeCeeJay
Yes, yes, yes! What you have written (and also the insights from others above) resonates so much with me. I'm glad I stumbled across this thread.
Quick summary about me: I have had VSG on Oct 3rd, my decision has been long time coming as I had an accident 2 yrs ago and with pain/loss of activity (can barely walk some days) came massive weight gain... and compression on my spine. I chose surgery as a last resort to help gain control now and if I'm lucky reduce or manage pain.
Its been a long journey and my wife has been really supportive to date. But as the surgery got closer she would start saying things like "once you lose all the weight you're gonna be hot and stuck with a fat wife" or "I'm gonna have to watch you don't get too much attention from other women when you get skinny". I know these are her own insecurities but it kinda pissed me off. I'm femme and she's soft butch, so it feels like she wants me to get well BUT not become more attractive (I'm like wtf does weight have to do with that anyways - I'm happy with how I look)
So i wonder, do you have any thoughts on how you make sure you don't get sabotaged along the way by someone elses insecurity?
Cheers
C
This is interesting to me thanks for sharing. It seems a reversal of sorts in the community, men are shamed for being overweight gay men and gay women who want WLS are shamed for not loving themselves or conforming to societies views of what women should look like. Doesn't matter what you do there's judgment just around the corner.
I proudly own this body of mine, and my choice to be healthy is mine alone. No judgment, just love.
Hi Elizabeth,
Short answer: YES.
Within the first few months post op I got it from many friends within the LGBTQ community. Funky part is that I didn't recognize it for what is was. I thought they were concerned about my health and me losing weight to fast.
As time progressed I realized it was fear and jealousy combined.
As I lost weight, some folks were still unhealthy and as in other conditions (such as drug addiction) when you stop doing an unhealthy thing some folks jump to the conclusion that you'll want to change them next, they fear that you will not like them any longer because they're still unhealthy.
Also, some people will want to lump your body image/weight/size into your character.
Unfortunately, they're simply unable to see the 'you' within to understand that the outer reflection may change (because you'd like to have a healthy shell/frame for your inner soul to reside in) but you- your heart- your beliefs- your character will not change with it.
Men and women have ranges. There are very curvaceous folks and some very, very un-curvy, rather flat body shapes; and still still there are all those folks who fall someplace in between the range.
Wanting to fit within the status quo could just as easily fall within the realm of both feminism and obesity, as there are women *****fuse to get fit because they don't want to 'look like Barbie' & fit into an 'ideal/traditional' feminine image. Personally, I try not to attempt to be anyone's status quo - thin or thick, feminist or not. I just try to be 'me'; my own healthy self. If WLS helps me get there, great! I'm not trying to develop into a particular image other than what ever my healthy version looks like.
In the past, I allowed these types of situations to dictate my eating choices. I was so busy trying to convince others that I was still the same on the inside, despite what they saw on the outside, that I eventually regained (along with other poor choices). You can influence, but not CONTROL what people connect mentally to the image they see visually. Now that I'm 9 years out from RnY GB and am re-working my weight loss, I don't dare let others' policing efforts get into my head.
My body is mine. My desire for fitness, physical health and mental sanity have no reflection on my political views about the LGBTQ community or Feminism except that I believe we are all thinking clearer when we're physically well. If others can not agree with me, it's okay. I'm not here to judge or police, just to live my best 'me'.
I hope you're well.
Peace, power and progress my dear!
Hi Jamie!!
Not in the ATL or lapbanded, but certainly in the LGBTQ and RnY GB.
Just sending some love your way.
Peace
Marie.
