Understanding: Notes for Newbies and Vets

To thine own self be true.

 

In my mind this may be the Golden Rule for weight loss.  Whether or not you subscribe to addictive behavior as part of obesity.  Whether you think you can "will power" through it.  The key to modifying your behavior in the long term is understanding it.  Not labeling it or classifying it, but truly UNDERSTANDING what motivates you to do the things you do.  This self examination can be the hardest, most frightening, and most painful thing we do.  Given the number of surgeries I have had on my journey, that last one is saying a lot.  

I will share from my own story:  I used to claim to know myself.  I didn't have any issues with food.  I just needed help getting my weight loss started.  I was strong, I could manage it and keep it going once I started.  I called myself a "Boredom" eater.  IF I could put a label on it, that was as far as I needed to go.  I had sorted and classified it - Job done, right?

I was full of ****  I was lying to myself.  If it was really that simple why wasn't I successful all of the other times I tried to lose.

When I went to my first support group I rolled my eyes.  I thought that this was all for the birds.  These people needed the kind of therapy that the Eagles professed:  find your inner child and kick its little ass.

Despite all of that I did keep my mind open.  The more I heard people share their stories, the more I started recognizing bits of myself here and there.  I started using tools like "Feel and Deal" and the "Calm" method to look at my motivations.  

Those were some of the hardest moments.  I began to realize that I wasn't bored when I ate.  I started to realize that I was actually lonely.  Putting a label on something and naming it does not mean you understand it.  The label was a wall to protect myself from what was really in the box.

I didn't have a problem with food.  I had a problem that led me to abuse food.  Chicken and egg?  Yeah.  

I started to develop tools to let me deal with those emotions.  I had to let myself feel those emotions first to defuse their power over me.  I had to face what led to those emotions.  Thats the stuff that was really scary and painful.  I had to recognize my weaknesses to understand how to be truly strong.

Finally, I had to realize that this was not a journey that was complete when I reached goal.  My addictions were not some lycanthropic monster that could be slain by a single silver bullett.  This thing was a part of me, wed to my core.  It was as much a part of me as my love for science fiction or my husband.  Understanding myself allows me to recognize when I am going off the rails and correct.  Sometimes more successfully than others.  

So here I am, a year in maintenance.  18 months from my surgery.  I am still in size 32 pants.  I will be the first to tell you that I haven't won any battles.  I have not conquered anything.  I am a fat man in size 32 pants.  I'm OK with that.

Great Post! Hit some nerves for sure. The self reflection and self realization parts are the hardest to deal with I think because you don't want to believe what you figure out. This should be read by every surgeon during the initial appointment of a prospective VSG patient.

I kinda like to look at it like I have won many battles but I will never win this war. I will always be the fat kid who never got picked for teams until last.

Rob you are so right.... for me, this process has been more emotional than I ever imagined... brought out some of my non-food demons thats for sure...self-exam is a mutha...

The Robster.......

Great post..... thanks for writing it for me......

I'm the guy that never went to a support group till 5-6 months out...... thought it was a crock of **** with a bunch of weak sucks.....mentally masturbating each other, I'm sure there out there but my surgeon doesn't let it get like that.....

I still have many fears about this whole thing...... when I was early out I thought if I could conquer this thing for 3-5 years I had it in the bag......I'm coming up on 4 years out and nothing is really in the bag.

I am a fat man in 31's that fears my jeans won't fit when I wake up in the morning.....and am thrilled when they button up......Yes!

frisco

Yeah. The surgery allows you the opportunity to begin to see the forest you are stuck in. The emotional Pandora's Box is frightening, but I am going to continue to unscrew the hinges and look in.

Total wisdom~~ I relate to the truths you share. Thank for being you and being so real.

I love you.  Especially for this "My addictions were not some lycanthropic monster that could be slain by a single silver bullet."  It never really goes away.  I'm working on accepting it, who I am, why I do what I do.  It's painful, but it can be freeing some days.  I fall down, I get back up.  I'm really, really trying to be OK with being a fat girl in size 6 jeans.  So thank you.  It's always nice to know you're not alone.

You and Frisco win the prize for the most visual descriptions!  And truer words were never spoken.  I'm at a critical point (to me, anyway) - -about the smallest I've been (which at about 180, is not small!), and figuring out how to get past this -- what's holding me back?  What external and internal factors am I ALLOWING to control my choices -- because every bit that goes in my mouth and every bit of exercise I do is my choice.

I have the tools to be successful.  Understanding how to use them and what makes me not use them is tough.  And not falling back into old "self medicating with food" habits as soon as the I'm confronted with a problem is super tough.

Thanks for the reality check.  This was very timely advice for me.

Like what you said about being willing to just feel some feelings, uncomfortable or no- you mentioned how anxiety drives you sometimes to want to eat  (in another post).  I heard somewhere that anxiety is really a manifestation of fear.  Maybe so for me- the FEAR OF FEELING something I don't want to.  What's that feeling going to do to me if I feel it?  Kill me? No, Idont think so- the mindless eating will, though.  Time to recognize and get more comfortable and courageous about owning my feelings.  Heck, I might even learn something about myself!

You speak the truth.

I have come to the conclusion that this whole weight loss project was really a Trojan horse designed to get me to take a good look at my thought patterns, belief systems and habits.  I have learned so much more from this journey than just what and how much to eat.  I am not at all sure that I could continue to maintain if I did not first learn the underpinnings of what made me fat in the first place.  I do not mean that we need to do deep counseling (although some of us do need it) but almost all of us do need to understand our motivations and behaviors.  We can't just white knuckle this or trust that the smaller capacity alone will be enough in the long run.  The strategies that I have put in place to replace my old patterns and continued mindfulness is what will keep me at goal.   Thank you for this post, it underlines what I believe about this whole process succinctly.