Todays Mental Notes: The Invisible Person Shows Up

How many of you are Sexxy Beasts?  Come on, let me see a show of hands.

No, seriously.

When I was heavy, I was never asexual - too much testosterone for that, but I was never, ever, what someone would think of as attractive in my own mind.  Other guys could be more athletic, better looking, etc.  I was the smart one, the funny one, anything that did not involve a physical description.  My goal when I entered a new space with new people was not to be noticed until I was ready for that to happen on my own terms.  Those terms were usually intellectual.

This was particularly true in my wardrobe.  What did I wear?  The same bland stuff that all big people wear.  Theres not a lot of variety in Big & Tall Menswear anyway.  A lot of Khaki, blue, white, etc shirts.  You know the stuff I am talking about.  You will probably have trouble visualizing it since it is so nondescript as to blend into the wallpaper of your mind.  Business casual camouflage is what I call it.  As far as my hair I made sure it was clean and neat, but not much else.

As I started losing weight, especially when I started getting into mall sizes, I noticed that I started being noticed.  That was an interesting feeling.  People were reacting to me differently.

I had a couple of reactions.  First - This is Cool!  I also felt a little resentment and anger.  I was no different now than I was 4 months ago.  Why am I suddenly so much more approachable?

The simple truth is that I wasn't the same person I was 4 months ago.  Along with the weight loss and the new clothes, I had a new sense of self confidence that was starting to develop.  I didn't need my business casual camouflage anymore.  I didn't have to rely on the strictly intellectual and emotional for my value any more.  People were reacting to that change in me more than my physical change.

This effect continued and became more pronounced as I continued towards goal.  The clothes got smaller as I did.  I started doing more with my outward appearance.  Hair products and styling started appearing.  My dear Thomas would comment, sometimes lament, that I now took longer to get ready than he did.  It was true.

The reactions from other people kept reinforcing this as well.  I now had people flirting with me.  Complete strangers.  That was a total mind **** at 41 to have people flirting with me for the first time.  At least it was the first time I noticed.  I had people giving me drinks, complimenting me on my cologne, all that jazz.

Again, part of me wondered - Why am I so much more worthy now than I was a year ago?  I hate discrimination against obese people.  People are so judgmental.

People are.  The truth is that the judgment was starting with me.  I was shaming myself for being obese.  Because I didn't look like a movie star I didn't have the right to look people in the eye.  I didn't have the right to hold my head up.  They'd come to me when they needed me.  When they were old and lost their looks I'd still have my intellectual worth.

But again, I was projecting my own issues on to the world at large.  There is a part of society that instilled those feelings in me.  But it was the change in me, in my own sense of self worth that strangers were reacting to.  I wasn't suddenly visible because I fit into some societal norm now.  I was suddenly visible, because I chose at some point to stop being invisible.

I no longer dress to hide.  I will gladly accept your compliments on my shirt or my pants with a smile.  I especially like it when another gay man comments on how my pants fit - its gay code for nice ass. I have people call me "Skinny" all the time.  I am no longer "the big guy" in the office, I am the "tall guy with the ties".  

The lesson is this:  The world reacts to the changes in us.  What we have to keep in mind is that the changes are not, NOT, just physical.  The changes that occur to all of us are multi-faceted and unbelievably complex socially.  People in general do not often see themselves the way the world sees us.  That is especially true of obese people.  Its even more true of those of us undergoing rapid weight loss.

There is an oft quoted statistic that it takes six months for our self image to catch up with our physical image.  I'll let you know in another six months if thats still holding true, but it proved to be true during my weight loss.  Don't be surprised or be angry when the world starts treating you differently than you expect it to.  Don't assume that its just because you lost weight.  You are changing on so many levels, and while the weight loss may be the catalyst its not always the driver.  Enjoy the new experiences that are coming your way.  Let them bolster you and encourage you to reach even greater heights on your journey.

 

Another great post! I'm just a little past 6 months out and allot of people have say that I have come out of my shell. I don't feel and different but they say I walk different, stand taller and appear much happier. I too have noticed people flirting with me, doors held, in general I'm no longer invisible to people. It sure is a trip how things have changed.

YES! YES!! YES!!! ROB!
You nailed it...I noticed today on my way into the vitamin shoppe that I WALK TALLER...I think people notice me because I'm not trying to hunch over make myself "appear" smaller..trying NOT to get noticed...
They say people eat first with their eyes...same is true about attraction, your drawn to what appeals to you, it's just nature, engrained in us from the dawn of time..
Have a great weekend!
Grace

I love this!  I spent most of my teens & 20s only wanting to be noticed on an intellectual level, when I was ready for it.  I had a tremendous chip on my shoulder, which therapy definitely helped with.  I'm infinitely more high maintenance at 138 than I ever was at 200+.  I've always been pretty well groomed and nicely dressed (thanks, mom!), but now I dress in whatever I feel like and have so much more fun doing it.  Including shorts, strapless tops, heels.  It's a rush knowing you look good.  I still wear jeans & black tops, which has always been my standard wardrobe but they are usually pretty short shorts with a tank when I'm running around.  I also randomly decided I needed lighter hair.  No more hiding.  No more wanting to be invisible.  It's amazing how much easier it is to take a compliment now without thinking it's snide (I'm thinking the whole "You have such a pretty face").  One of the greatest things I've discovered is my belief in myself physically now - yeah, I can run!  Sure, I can do that Crossfit class!  I might be slow, my technique might not be stellar, my weights might not be really heavy, but I will do it.  No fear, just jump right in.  Laugh it off when I fall, which happens a lot bc I'm really clumsy :)

great post. hope you are having fun being a cool dude. yeah its amazing how different life is being unfat .  i am an old lady so not too many flirters but people seem more attentive. especially at expensive clothing stores.  diane

Yep.  What you say fits nicely.  I think it's a complex and recursive dance between how we project ourselves, and societal norms/prejudices, etc.  They very much impact each other.  Losing the weight allows that to unwind from the outside (first) and hopefully the inside will follow.

It's funny.  As I sit here writing this, I feel very fat.  I feel oddly, it seems, about the same as a year ago.  But I know that's not objectively true because I just was wearing my size 30 jeans, my tightest pair of pants - SO even 9 months of being in Maintenance hasn't cured my brain of feeling way overweight at times.  I think at times we lose our memory of what we really did feel like, so it's hard to hold a real comparison in our mind - then we start convincing ourselves that maybe nothing has changed.  

 

 

"The world reacts to the changes in us." That's a keeper, for sure!

Man...im still waiting for the mental change to kick in. I cringe when people call me attractive, hot, beautiful, etc.

 

I realized one day at the airport that my size wasnt the only thing that isolated myself. I mean, I see bigger people chatting it up with strangers all the time - they arent invisible, but i had always felt invisible. But I found myself talking to someone in the airport who sat down next to me, and I wondered - is it really because Im thinner and look better? I actually figured it probably had nothing to do with that. I sat there, my head was up, I was looking around, looking at people, had a smile on my face, and I probably looked more approachable. Before, I guarantee you I walked around with my head down, avoided looking at people, avoided eye contact at all costs - no wonder no one talked to me!!!

You nailed it - the world is reacting to the changes in us - and not just the physical ones.

Timely post. While shopping tonight, I noticed that people were holding eye contact longer than I have ever noticed before. Especially men.

Thank you Rob. That was a wonderful post and oh so true. My BFF looked at me oddly a few weeks ago after a gathering and said, "Wow, you have changed!" I replied, " Yup, I am no longer a wallflower. I am a fame ***** It's all about me, Baby!!" LOL 

For years, I hid. I allowed others to take credit for not only my ideas but my hard work too. I allowed myself to be forgotten and stepped upon because I did not want the limelight shined at me. I told others and myself it was okay to treat me like that because a fat person doesn't deserve kudos....

Well not anymore. I won't always be the center of the universe. I won't always hog the limelight. I won't always be the 'It' girl but like I said earlier...Right now, it's all about me, Baby!!