Sexless Marriages

Please tell me it gets better with weight loss.

I have a good marriage of 16 yrs. I'm size 24 and weigh 260; he's fit. We're 46. We're still affectionate, hold hands, cuddle, kiss, but nothing sexual. We have a good relationship otherwise. It's probably been 7 months since we've done anything, and it was oral. My weight has been up and down during our entire marriage. Sex was more frequent when I was size 12, but even then I felt like I craved more attention than I got from him and that he wasn't sexually attracted to me. Attracted in every other way, but not sexually. Could have been my insecurity and my need for attention. He couldn't keep his hands off of me before we were married when I was 140 lbs, but that was 20 years ago.

I'm scheduled for surgery, tentatively, in late Jan. I'm scared I'll lose all this weight and still be invisible to him.

I am still invisible to my hubby. He is affectionate and I know he loves me to pieces and would do anything for me. Just no sex, it has been over two years for us. My hubby says he is just not interested in sex anymore and that it has nothing to do with me. I understand where you are coming from. We have been married 34 years and I am 57 and hubby is 60.

I hope you have better luck than me. Best of Wishes

It is very common to read on the boards about significant and positive improvement with respect to sex.  Keep a positive mindset, work on your health, and odds are the sex life will improve too.  

I was in a sexless marriage once, and I felt like losing weight would fix it. It didn't. Losing weight will not fix marriage problems. I think it's a good sign that your marriage is great otherwise (mine wasn't). Could you husband have a medical problem that needs to be addressed? What about couples counseling?

Sex at that weight is a chore! Not only is it physically exhausting, it just doesn't feel all that great and you are wiped out afterward, which after mindblowing sex is one thing but after working your ass off for a few minutes just isn't worth it. I have lost 180 lbs and since then its better but my wife is still pretty big, so it just doesn't feel out of this world but a big improvement. Yes the answer is Yes it gets better but what I have found challenging is finding the desire. Not that I don't want to have sex but now that I am normal size I find myself looking at more fit women and wonder what it would be like. Not that I would act upon it, but its still a bit of a chore.

I've been married 32 years and we haven't been intimate for about 3yrs. Partly due to my own discomfort with my body, bit in large part due to his impotence. DH is fully disabled with stage4 lung disease and heart disease. He takes about 23 meds, many of which cause impotence. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak, if you will. I don't anticipate that this will change. Fortunately we are very compatible many other ways.

My husband and I were pretty active sexually for the first 1 1/2 years we were together (we've been together 9 years next month). Then, it just kind of stopped because one time while we were doing it I felt so poorly about myself (I had been gaining weight like crazy) and had been having a really bad day and while we were doing it I started crying. I think I scarred him for life that day lol. But anyway, by the time I'm sure he got over it... I had gained even more weight (so I'm sure he was less attracted to me even though he'll probably never admit it) and he just got kind of used to not having sex. I'd say that we had sex probably 5 or 6 times in about 7 years. We were newlyweds and we're in our 20s for crying out loud!

He kept claiming that he was always "tired" and that there "must be something wrong with him." So I made him go to the doctor and get tests, including on for low testosterone. Everything came back fine. I started losing weight and looking better and he still didn't seem to be too interested. Finally, I told him that the issue must be mental and demanded that he see a therapist. Of course... that really got his attention because he refused to go! He suggested we make a day and time of the week that we always had sex no matter what... that was in August and we've kept the once a week date since then!

I would have to say not only has the sex picked up because we got back into the groove of doing it again regularly, but of course I'm looking and feeling better as well. Sex is just physically EASIER now too and feels so much better for both of us. I don't want to gross anyone out with details LOL but it's great. 

Not only physically is it better... but I think my confidence plays a part as well. I feel beautiful most of the time. Very rarely do I look in the mirror and dislike what I see or feel like I'm having a "fat day" where I am feeling down about myself. I think he really picks up on that.... my attitude in the bedroom is much different because I feel sexy - excess skin and all! I don't sit around and think about how much I hate my body. We're now at a point where sex happens spontaneously throughout the week and it's pretty amazing! I have a feeling after plastic surgery someday it will be even better!

Sorry for rambling.. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that we went from a non-existent sex life to a sex life that is SO much better and fulfilling - so there is hope that things can pick back up for you. You definitely have to communicate with each other and let him know how you feel!

@ 555: Mind: Horn dog, Body: Dead dog.

@ 265: Mind: Billy goat, Body: Banty Rooster. 

Hilarious and good for you...both of you!