Terrified

True body acceptance is not affirmation - it's acknowledging that there is no beauty without imperfection. True body acceptance was me saying, "I need to be healthy because of surgery - I am losing weight because I love my body and want to take care of it."  

I have never seen someone super morbidly obese, or even morbidly obese, lose weight without help.  Even skinny people losing weight need help. There is no shame in this other than what we decide to attach to it.  I felt shame for most of my life - counseling set me free.

I felt much how you did before I went to counseling several years ago.  I was horrified and ashamed I had gotten to over 750 pounds.  Just getting to counseling took hours and was this horribly complicated and embarrassing process, as you can't exactly just take the bus or a taxi.  I forced myself to do it because I wanted to live.

I am actually not a huge fan of fat acceptance movements despite having participated extensively in them in the past, as most people are not morbidly obese unless there is another issue at hand that goes untreated.  My experience has shown me this as well as my clinical work.

Don't get me wrong - I think ensuring people are not harassed or stigmatized is extremely important, especially regarding employment and healthcare.  The problem with the movement is the lack of acknowledgement that obesity is often a symptom, not a disease, that something is wrong both physiologically and psychologically.  Advocacy for a lack of stigma is good, however encouraging people who are morbidly obese that they are healthy when they aren't, is not helpful at all.

Advocacy for a lack of stigma is good, however encouraging unhealth harms us in the end.  More and more studies do not confirm that you can be healthy at any weight.  Weight puts wear and tear on organs and bones even if you are not diabetic and have low cholesterol.  At 750 pounds my cholesterol was 150, however my weight destroyed my bones.  My knee joints literally have flat surfaces and have mechanical failures now.  My lungs were compressed upward and have reduced capacity from the pressure of the fat.  My heart is enlarged permanently from struggling for just ten years.  I can accept my body all I want, yet these hard truths remain.  Body positivity will not change this, and that was a hard blow to my perspective when I realized this.

There's also the truth that being stick thin is just as unhealthy, yet that is what our society promotes.  Part of that is tied into the objectification of women; it's not a slender issue, is a depersonalization issue.  Jean Kilbourne has a fabulous documentary about media influence on body perception called Killing Us Softly.  We are seeing record rates of eating disorders, both binge eating and anorexia, for this reason.  

I think destigmatizing is vital; at the same time, it is unhealthy to be obese.  There is no way around this.  You are not letting your causes down.  You are redefining your perspective, which is vital and a sign of insight and maturity. 

Thanks for your reply, I have been in counselling for many years and it is a great benefit. As a fat acceptance advocate I've never claimed fat is healthy, the reason I am part of the movement is because I believe people should be able to love themselves even if they are unhealthy. My internal conflict comes from the fact that I hate my body even as I try and help other women love theirs, I feel like a bit of a fraud I guess. Hopefully I can learn to love myself after surgery, when I can finally tell myself I did something about it.

I didn't mean you did, necessarily. :)  I had many FA folks get quite upset I was having WLS.  The particular groups I was in would shun anyone attempting to be remotely healthy...forget surgery.  Many of my friends who were obese stopped speaking to me or asking me to dinner when I first changed my habits long before surgery.  My own habits made them unconscious.  I've never been an "in your face" person, mind.  I just do my thing and don't comment on other people doing theirs.  

I agree that people should love themselves.  To love ourselves means to accept where we are at, though, and sometimes that means we don't like ourselves in the moment.  I hated myself for a long time - though now I'd argue more that hate is love twisted, after a fashion.

I don't think you are a fraud at all wanting to be healthy.  I think that's part of the dissonance of FA; many people outwardly claim they love themselves at any size, however we remain dissatisfied and dislike the way we are.  To be honest, most of the people I've met from my FA days who loved their bodies sort of did.  Many were frustrated and in pain all the time, though, and upset with their choices.  That's not happiness to me.  My own journey has been different, and I have never been able to reconcile that dissonance on either side of the counseling room.  I have a very scientific mind which worked to my advantage during my own recovery.  I had to cut away many layers of my own hubris to get here.  In the process I realized that many of us were the same in the groups I ran in.  Of course, all groups are different, too!  It's a difficult topic for many of us.  I try instead to meet people where they are at without judgment, just as was done for me.  Eventually my perspective did a 180.  

I am starting to love my body even though I've lost 452 pounds or whatever it is now and there is so far to go (I'm still 290ish).  I am quite content with the way it's going.  We can also feel more than one emotion at once, too, and our feelings about bodies are complex things.  There is no reason you can't feel guilt, dislike, resentment, and love all at once.  Often we try to simplify emotions too much.  Love often comes with other things attached.  Being a fraud would mean you ignored your own insight.  Just because we don't necessarily feel a certain way 100% does not mean we cannot support others who do, either.  Compassion and empathy sometimes show us where we really are when we had no idea before we gained them.

Wherever your journey takes you, good luck.  I think you will do quite well.

Having weight loss surgery is not admitting defeat, if anything it is the exact opposite: It is shouting that you will NOT give up! You can do this!

For me, the weight loss surgery was exactly what I needed, as it was a forced diet. I could not diet for the rest of my life and fight my own body and mind every single day and win. Instead, I got a tool to help. It is still a mental struggle some days. I still want to overeat sometimes, but my tool stops me. That is what I needed, and with the right tools, we can move mountains.

You got this.

Thanks for your reply. I am also thinking about it as a tool, it seems like the best analogy :) Thanks for the vote of confidence!

I can't discount your fears.  They are valid.  All I can say is that I, personally, had no fear at all because I knew that I was making the best choice for MY future.

Thank you for your reply. I am also fairly confident I'm making the right choice. It helps to hear from others who have gone through it and come out the other side though.

Making a decision to take charge of your health is very empowering. It is a difficult one to make because I am sure most of us would rather be able to lose weight without surgery.  This is a tool and a lifestyle change. In my 7 mths since being sleeved, I feel wonderful and so excited to stay the course. You have lots to look forward to.

Thanks for your reply. I made a list of all things I want to be able to do again. Looking towards the future helps me stay calm. It's nice to hear from others who have been successful with the surgery.

Hi! (I'm actually an old member but this site was attached to an email address I no longer have. My user name was Chesa.)

I had my sleeve in 2008. It was the best thing I ever did. I know a lot of people think it is the easy way out. It is not. There are so many things that have to change to be successful with this surgery...but all worth it.

You will feel "normal" again. Just know you will have buyer's remorse. It will pass. Sounds like you have fought so hard for this surgery. Don't even think of giving up. You can do this!!! My husband is having this surgery on Feb. 1st. Hang in there!!!