Alexus36

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Well I'm back again in efforts to lose this last 25lbs THIS YEAR.  I really want a BR (breast reduction) and lift.  i really don't feel I 'deserve' it til I lose that much more.  As I said in my last post.  The first 60lbs were so easy and its been a struggle since.  I cannot continue to do what I do and expect to lose.  I have to cut out the sweets and the high calorie lattes/mocha's in the a.m.  (it was getting so bad it was 2 x a day).  I'm in denial.  I'm afraid maybe cutting out those things still won't do it and then was my surgery a 'waste'.  What am I afraid of? Or is that the only thing 'that gives me a daily 'boost' of something I really want and to take that a way...there goes that little bit of joy?   
Then, there's the jealousy factor.  Acoworker has gone from like 250lbs to a size 8 what seems to me just months frmo the sleeve.  Its the same cost and no maintance w/ the fills and what not.  Had it been around then, it may of been the way I went too.  

A year n a half later...I'm back. I have started a family blog online but I felt this was more private and mostly those reading where in my shoes.  So what's happened in a year n a half. I HAD A BABY!!! our second baby girl in March.  The story about the whole WL is a long one for a later time but today I find myself back up to 193lbs....60 lbs less than when I started and 16 more than my lowest since surgery.  Cannot seem to get over the frustratoin of how just 6 weeks after baby I was 11 lbs less than that only 5 away from my pre preg wait.  Almost like its a road block.  I've had several fills and maybe now could use another but don't follow those guideline...like no sweets, not drinking w/ meals n three meals only a day of what a half a cup.  My goal is to be 160 lbs...I was so close...but I got to get over it.  I was so close to 200lbs 6 mths after the baby I was just sick w/ myself.  The large McD's frappe a day didn't help.  That sucker has 800+ calories and 90g of carbs and 30 or so fat grams. I had one everyday for more than a mth. 

Here I am blogging honestly having cheesum cheetos and 2 choc chip cookies at 10pm.  What the hell? I got to stop I feel out of control.  Like I did when I would eat out of control for days the worst things you can think of like a binge.  I would do it for days weeks even...then the lbs would just come back on quickly 10 or 15 lbs. I am frustrated b/c like 1/3 of the time i cannot eat good for me things...the protein I need just cannot get them down.  So I eat junk like the above b/c it is easy to get down.  I went last week to the support meeting and it always helps.   Told everybody I was in a rut...didnt' know why I ccouldn't eat so often when I just had a deflate.  But I need to ask things like how are you eating? Those first bites...r probably too big b/c I'm so hungry. With a 3 year old it is always hurried. I am also drinking before, during and soon after my meals.   If I can eat, I tend to way overeat  I don't feel like I'm doing anything different in the last 3 mths than I have the last 18 mths eating habits wise but maybe this is why I'm not losing those last 20 or so lbs and have the gain.  My stress surrounding the M/C certainly contributed.  Then just when I was stepping up the workout I hurt my back. ANother step backwards.  Am I subconsiously sabotaging myself? I got to give up the junk food and the daily SBs to get there.   I keep putting it off just like I did b/4 the band waiting til next Monday or beg the month after this stress event, you know the excuses.  HELP!

Today would be another one of those days I'd love to turn off' my band restriction. I know one day there will be such a thing but for now i will only daydream. I am in Chicago in the midst of Taste of Chicago. Needless to say I wasn't so disappointed that we didn't make it downtown to go.  All those things I'd just love to eat but couldn't with the band.  Last night we went to my very favorite restr.

wow...where to start.

I guess I wll start with my more recent weight gain. I gained 2 or so lbs when we were pregnant.  Then recently got a little deflate b/c I just couldn't eat regularly especially on our recent vacation. I could only eat dinner of solids and that was lucky. I still think I eat too much too fast for a band patient but I always have.  Also, I got to cut the sweets now that I am up 2 more lbs from before.  I knew all the cookies, sundaes, etc. would eventually keep up for me.  It's just been so stressful for us recently.  Though a chromosome of three 22s was lethat for our recent pregnacy is was unrelated to genes passed on...so good news is that we have no more risk of a genetic issue than anyone else in our age category.  All that worrying since vacation for nothing.  Also had to have a colonoscopy last Friday due to some abnormal tests during a recent physical. Turns out I only have an external hemroid and I need more fiber.  I'm so happy about a friend online that has become pregnant 8 weeks.  She has worked so hard and wants it sooo bad. Can't wait to hear her sonogram results.  

I have to say though I HATE getting filled and unfilled at Dr. Smiths. I could only go at 8:45 for a freakin 2 minute procedure.  I waited TWO and half hours.  It's like a half day thing every time you go in.  That's ridiculous.  I totally think that is bad office management.  Whoever runs my daughter's peditriacian office needs to run this one. I think the longest wait there was a half hour once.   I think they take advantage of everyones desperate attempt to lose weight. Now that I'm a cash  patient that pay for fills I'm going to research going somewhere else.   I complained at the last support group that I attended. I hoper Marcy passes that along. 

Summer starts officially for us today.  Tyring to give up those bad sweets and potentially my starbucks.  That would save at least 200 calories a day and that adds up over time. I try to justify by saying well it is nonfat milk that I need in my day anyways.  I usally get half the pumps of the syrup.  We'll see.  

I'm at the beach on a well deserved vacation.  I got the news on Friday that I carry the gene that potential caused the miscarriage.  I thought that could be the case. We meet later this month with a geneticisit (Sp?).  Even if we don't try for another I want to have all the information so I can share with Alexus and she can be tested too. I just we knew 2 or 3 years ago so we'd started the adoption process.  I have so many regrets about missing so much of her first 18mths of life working my butt off for that jerk of a boss.  I guess I thought with another I'd get sort of another chance w/ another baby. So happy working PT. Even this summer we'll have more quality time together.   I haven't been able to eath well and that is been hard when eating is usually the best thing on a vacation.  I would like to focus on losing the last 20 or so lbs.  Even after losing 75 lbs I'm still quite embarrased in a swimsuit here.  I have so much hanging skin in my arms and legs now and i hate it.  I do think WLS patients have more than losing it regularlay. 

Well I have much to say today. Good news, I bought new pants for our upcoming trip from Wal-mart size 14 and they are probably too big. Do I return and eventually really fit into the 12 and be unconfortable til then? I may go and just try on a 12. Going to go through my closet this weekend and get my old fat clothes ready for a garage sale, consignment or donate. I finally have some 'free' time now thatt he vendor fair I coordinated is over as of last Thursday. That took so much time and I could have put so much more into it.    I had a little scare with a loved one on Easter weekend. My grandmother had to be in the OR for emergency surgery. She had a kink in her bowel and they took out like 5 feet of it. I rushed out of town to be with her on Monday.  THey said she'd be in ICU for 3 to 5 days and in surgical recovery for maybe a week after that.  Can you believe by lunch on Monday she was in the recovery room at the hospital and by Thursday released. I mean she has a long way to go to being the go go granny we love but still that is AMAZING for a 83 year old women.  That speaks a lot for taking care of yourself all your life though.  SHe has eaten healthy and exercised well most of my life. My mom tells me when she first married my dad though she was very heavy.  But I never remember her overweight.  I think b/c of her lifestyle she was able to recover so fast. Now, she should have rest more but its incredible I think. 

Also before Easter, we found out the reason we lost the baby was b/c it had 3 chromosomes no. 22. Dr. said that is lethal for sustaining life and possibly my husband or myself could carry that 'masked' gene. So we had blood taken to see if that is possibly the case. If it is, then we may have to go to a genetist to be further tested and there could be risk in trying for another. If not, then we can move forward in trying again. I have so many mixed feelings about trying again.  Not the risk of another miscarriage but more of the years between my first and second and that whole do I go back to work or not thing wehn my first starts school in just 2 years.   I did have what I felt like more closure knowing why this happened.  TUG! We should know something in a couple of weeks.

What is crappy about this surgery though is when you are under very stressful busy circumstances like I was in El Paso.  I mean I was runing to the hospital as soon as I woke up and did a little vendor fair stuff.  I didn't have time to eat what I could and it isn't like you can run the hospital cafe or Whataburger and get something quick like I used to. So during that 72 hours, I think I had one solid meal. Whew it was hard and I hated that. On a side note, it was great. I got to 'bond' more with my uncle greg. I hated I've never been lcose to them and feel like it is partly my dads fault. I got to really chat with Greg. He is off work now and taking care of my granny mostly.  I also talked to my dad the first time in what a year or more??? I cannot even remember.  Of course, in one conversation he was nice said he loved me and think about me often and then called later and something strange and rude. I wish I called with my grandmother's cell no. not mine b/c he called me again when I returned homw. I didn't answer and he didn't leave a message. Thank goodness.

Last night I went to Dr. Smith's support group. though it is such a pain to go when my hubby has softball I am usually ALWAYS happy that I went. Though I only told them that something traumatic happened yesterday, I got a good suggestion to call a hospital here to inquire about grief support groups. Everybody is just so nice and caring.  I missed my band buddy Aida. Ihope she is fine b/c she wasn't there when we had made a date last Thursday. I know she cares for her ailing parents and such.

The number one advice from everyone is to give myself time to grieve. What does that mean? HOw do you do that? Does that mean I stay home x number of days and weap. Does that mean we have a 'memorial' type service for the unborn child? Does that mean I don't worry about the future awhile? Do I go to a support group and talk about it? I have no idea.  I have cried some. I hurt alot.

I put getting a fill and checking my band off for 6 mths b/c I couldn't get in those couple of days during my cycle. As a result I had very little weight loss the last 6 mths. I need to make another appt but I've been having trouble. After the food seems to get down the band it seems to swell or something and it feels like i need to get sick but I don't. I need to ask Susie what's the deal cause it could be from the surgery last Friday.

I was going to announce my preg to my group last night so that was sad knowing I had planned to do that.  I spent the time before the meeting in Dallas with my daughter and mom at the arboretum. She had fun but it was hard...lots of preggo folks there.

I've been invited to a bbq Saturday that'll be hard too. My friend who is one month ahead of what we would be is going to be there. I know there'll be a lot of congratulating her and talking about it.  That may be really hard for me.

I'm eating a lot of junk to drown my sorrows and that was what I talked about at group. How I'd do that before and now it is really hard to do it.  I have a little more of a shelf or tire around my lower stomach since I did grow some while pregnant. 

I half smiled half cried as i logged two journals are so ago how I would focus on my wl and not getting pregnant and bam it happened then this.  So I guess I will focus back on the wl.  I want to lose at least 20 more lbs. THese gals that started bigger than about my size now have lost over 100 lbs and had surgery 2 mths after me.  I need to start excercising again. I know that will help me feel better just period. 

I still haven't decided to tell my family and closer friends yet.  I am glad I have something to keep me busy during 'free' time. I am the coordinator for a fundraising event for my moms group.

All I seem to want to do is think about trying again. If I got preg this month, alexus would be this far apart..and on and on. Should not do that.  I will pray more that God will help me through this. So much harder than I could ever imagine. 

I half way wanted to quit my job for the new baby to have the time with him/her that I missed out with Alexus b/c I worked so much her first 18ths.  Will I ever get that? All these plans we were going to not do and it was a good thing b/c of it I think about.  We talked about going to Bill's reunion in Oct now we can. We talked about him going to Vietnam and now he can in Oct. We talked about getting our flex reimbursement back due to change in dependents before year end. It goes on and on. 
Let's look at my wl now. I am 75 lbs down. I am definitely in a misses size 16 some 14 (they are tight around tummy of course). From a 22/24! I can wear things that I wore when I got married. That should be such a good reason to celebrate.

well it is over and home now in pain. My surgery was scheduled for 1:15 and we got there at 10am.  After waiting over an hour in a small private room, they came to take blood and couldn't get a vain in my arm. He did my hand but didn't get enought b/c I was so dehydrated from fasting snce midnight.  I had two horrible bruises already from them taking blood at my prenatal first visit Wednesday.  I almost passed out and through up I definitely cried. Luckily i had a very sweet nurse that was kind about it and put in my IV more gentle than the blood taking guy. She had great bed side manners it was a blessing. then at noon they wheeled me to preop.  It seem like forever before I was wheeled into surgery after 1:30. All I can remember is the burning anethesia getting in my veins and waking up in recovery. I stayed in a small public area with my husband until after 4pm.   We went to eat and to barnes and nobles. It was nice to get away and try not to think about it.

So where are we left now? how does this affect my wl journey. I think alot. Depression always effects it. Who do I tell? I felt pretty good the day after and probably did too much. trying to rest on Sunday while my family is at church.  I'm a little sadder about this than yesterday. I woke up pretty sad...empty feeling.  please help me take it one day at a time. 

I got some really sad news yesterday. We went for our first prenatal appt and ultrasound. We got the horrible news that there was no heartbeat. I would have been 9 weeks Friday and it looks like 2 weeks ago from the ultrasound the baby stopped growing. I'm so sad. In some ways, did i know this was going to happen or did I have so much anxiety and it would be the same either way.  I go back today to have another one to make 100% sure but if it is the same result then I'll have to have a DNC Friday. So much is going through my mind now and I never knew it could hurt this bad. I want to blame something someone. So many emotions...I don't know how to process this yet. I have a 3 year old and I find myself so short tempered. I don't want to talk to anyone that why I feel that I may reach out to see if anyone here has gone through this before. I wondered if it would be different if I didn't have to have a DNC and happened naturally sooner. I am 37 and how much longer do we want to try if we can every try again? i ask myself how many years between my first do I want. I know this is God's will but why do I don't feel any better?  my husband is really sad too. How does healing begin? We were so happy about the pregnancy but I was very worried the whole time.  Did I somehow know this was going to happen or did I just feel it was too good to be true.

How do even be intimate again to try knowing you risk this again? Dr. says it is more common that we think and every preg has a 25% chance of m/c. Do I call it a m/c since i have to have a DNC? Do we have a funeral/memorial service since it was life?   I thought that this baby and my first were pushing it being so far apart. I wondered if theyd be close tta far apart. now it would even be further. Do I want to do this all over again (stay home, part time, day care vs not) right when my oldest is going to school. We'll be like 55 or more if we have another.   See all this goes through my mind. Do we want to try this again. So much harder than I ever thought it would be.

I guess I can finally go have another fill and look if everything is okay like I've needed for awhile now.  Got to go to dr. now.