I Came Home From RNY Surgery A Year Ago Today

Feb 14, 2009

Happy Valentine's Day.....yes, yes, yes....happy valentine's day to me too.  You know what?  I came home, alone, on a cold February 14th, 2 days after surgery....and I feel tonight just as lonely and forlorn as I did that cold February day that I stepped off that train in so much pain. 

Hey....shouldn't I feel like a million bucks?  I weighed over 400# at surgery....I am weighing only 220# now....probably 30# of that is saggy skin (believe me...it's true!!)...so realistically, I am probably in the 100's, which would be the first time for me since 6th grade.  Why am I not in that happy land I could be drifting off to?  Why am I not on a dance floor tonight, celebrating a glorious occasion with the man that I love? 

Let me fill you in......The weight loss doesn't really change anything about your life that might have been bad before.  Sure....I breathe better.  I have also had some absolutely AMAZING triumphs that skinnies take for granted (no seat belt extender, crossing legs, lots of room in bathtubs, dancing around the house, loads of new, stylish clothes, pride in myself+++++many more things).  Unfortunately, my husband, who has never had a huge libido (which I thought was weight related to me) has yet to have sex with me since my arrival home.  I have lost over 180#...which is more than he weighs.  It saddens me deep in my soul.  I have this thing in my head that says, "Okay, I love him, but I am only 48....not 88."  I dwell on that....I guess almost daily.  It's not like I want sex anymore....I just still have the insecurity....you know?

Other than that....I am pretty much happy.  I'd love to lose about 50# more.  People think I'm crazy when I say that....but it's true.  At 18 months, I am going to go in to have an umbilical hernia (long time coming) removed in which they will do a tummy tuck at the same time.  If you start out as heavy as I was, you need to at least give it 18 months to do the best you can do at losing.  Quite honestly, I should give it 2 yrs because I haven't even started exercising yet....my losing has been watching what I eat, limiting portions and being a little bit more active (I was wheelchair bound before...now I can walk a ways).  At 18 months, I would also like to get a breast reduction.  Why?  I have used these babies for all my young years....I don't need all this now.  My back hurts and I have arthritis.  After I lose my weight, my breasts started hanging straight down.  I went from a size 58HH to now I am a 40DD.  I have a lot of sag under my arms and my breasts.  I don't want the breasts of a 16 yr old, but I sure would like to have some 36C's!!  Hey...that would be perky to me!!

I will take out a loan to have the "batwings" removed (the skin hanging from under my arms).  I have (altogether) over 5 inches of hanging skin under my arms.  I also have a HUGE AMOUNT on my legs....but I just don't have the money for that.  One day at a time!! 

I pray for everyone who WANTS to have this surgery, everyone who has JUST had this surgery, and everyone in the same position I am.  Thank GOD for this surgery....it has given me some semblence of life back and I just want to give back to everyone who needs advice, support, or anything.  Make certain that you visit me on my myspace if you need anything....I am there for you all!!  http://www.myspace.com/babsisforever.  I love you all!!  Happy Valentine's Day!!

Barb

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