cknapek

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My extra skin is really getting me down. I always feel fat. It's getting hard to feel small, especially with wearing short sleeve shirts. It's really bothering me. 

I have been around 159 to 163 pounds for a long time, recently bounced to 167 and about shit myself. Eating any treat offered rather than saying no. I had stopped being accountable a few months ago with my food tracker, and knew this was where it would lead. I have to be accountable, so that i will make the better choice if i choose to have a treat or say no. Uhg. 

My skin makes it very very very hard to have any realistic idea of where i currently am, and weighs heavily on my psyche. Complete body dismorphia. And like for a legit reason. I'm hot as fuck with clothes on; i hear it often. But then at home, in private, i get out of the shower and bend over to put a towel on my hair, and my arms crepe, my belly hangs and looks like a dog's belly that has been nursing puppies, and my legs crepe as well. There's so much flab and skin. And i then can't imagine how I'm possibly "tiny" or"small" as my daughter says. I long to not have it. I contemplate the scars, and wonder if the trade off is worth it. I over think finding a surgeon who won't fuck up, and how to afford to fix myself with the debt I already carry. Do you put it off for a few years, but then are just that many years older that you can't get back? I want to live today. I want to look good naked for myself today. I don't want to be 50 and regret having waited. 

I worry about maintaining. I gained the weight in the first place at an average of 12 pounds a year. Really, i gained it probably in 20 and 30 pound binges, but it's easy for us bariatric people to gain, say, a pound a month. In 10 years I'll be back where i started. Creeping on. That's conservative, of course. Mindfulness. Stop and reevaluate my actions. Track my food south integrity. And don't quit tracking. Work harder at saying no. Use the damn elliptical in the winter. Don't let my mate dictate what's going in my mouth for dinner. Plan meals. Prep. Think of myself first. 

That's all for today. ?

Just checking in. Bought size 12 the other day at American Eagle. They slid down my butt all day.  I put on my husband's 33 inch waist jeans; they fit perfectly, even a little room. That was the biggest surprise ever! Despite looking like a melted candle without clothing on, I feel pretty good. I have about 15 pounds to go to hit goal. Maybe 20, but the doc says then I get into eating muscle. I do recognize the oder difference when it becomes muscle, so I will definitely know when I reach that point. My BO will be rank. I pretty much look like I did in high school. I floated from 145 to 169. I can't wait to have surgery for the skin, but have a decent amount of time to wait. I finally got a yeast infection brewing under my pannus, which I haven't had a problem with since I had the surgery, but I have to let it brew in order to document for insurance to pay for part of my surgeries. Eww. 

It's weird to be myself again. Kinda hitting a midlife crisis of sorts right when a midlife crisis might hit anyway. Trying to stay a rational adult now that I look so good is hard! I guess this is all I have for now. I did post my before and after, so take a gander at it.

Massively odd milestone. Eating wasabi peas the other day. Dropped one. Used to hit my boobs. Then eventually my lap. I snapped my legs shut to catch a flying dried pea that I had dropped. It was not in my lap. It hit the ground. Took a minute to register what happened; I have a gap. A GAP. between my thighs. The pea fell in the gap to the ground. I was utterly amazed. It really happened. 

Today was a major milestone day. I unsubscribed from Lane Bryant. I went shopping with my daughter last week and got to the mall and had NO idea where to go or what size I was really. I knew I was able to put on my mom's old fashioned size 12s, and the pants I was wearing in my closet that were 18 and 16 literally, and I do mean literally, fell to the floor when I put them on. Lane Bryant was too big. All of it. No more 14. At least from there. So, daughter asks what was my old favorite store, then says,  "I know just where you want to go,  Mom!" We went to American Eagle, the store I always loved and pine over whenever I shop with Daughter. I held up the 14s in there and thought,  "no way, they are soooo tiny!" When I got into the fitting room, pulled on these tiny pants and buttoned them, I had a rush of emotions flood over me. Should I laugh or cry? I peeled off the first pair and tried on the others like a banshee. I couldn't believe it, so I tried them on again. And rechecked the sizes. I am excited to have new pants, and hope I get to wear the crap out of them for the winter before they are toooo big to bother. But I am also excited to lose the last 30 pounds or so (where the doctor wants me to stop). 

I wish it wasn't so hard to add photos on here, the having to resize them all from my phone is annoying. I will try to get some on here. I am 5'6" and at 191#. Desite how sizing has changed, I seem smaller at this weight than before. My body certainly is different. Can't wait to finish and maintain to get extra skin removed! 

The moral of the story; never run out of fiber chews. Ever. 

Anywho, 196.8#. Under 200. Size large/14. Towel fits. Almost to husband's weight. Need to set new goals, so dug through my daughter's closet. Goal set; fit her vest/jean jacket size medium better. Like, to wearable. Lol. The amazing thing is that I can get it on. 45 more pounds to goal.

I am 4 pounds away from losing 100 pounds. That's so gross to even write out loud. Eww. And 7 away from being UNDER 200. Yeeessssssss! My body still looks like blobs. I still feel like I look the same, but at the same time totally know I don't.  I can wear xl and some L sizes, which is crazy. My old clothes are waaayyyyyyyyy to big to wear at all. Not even to bed. 2xl is tooooo big, like hangs so much that I look like I am wearing a dress/potato sack. I bought some size 14, and seem to wear anything in 16ish. 18s are officially too large. Still amazed by that. I started in probably a 24. Spending a lot of time daydreaming about plastics and removing skin, but I have 60 pounds to go before that happens. My arms are like their own continents; land mass floating in a sea of the abyss. Actually, fluttering in the wind like flags, but you all totally get what I am sayin. My little one spends a lot of time discussing how I am still fat, but not fat, and how she still loves me. She's  four. Lol. I gaze longingly at my oldest daughter's wardrobe, even pulled her tiny shorts half way up my thighs. It wasn't so long ago that I had 14s half way up my thighs, so seeing the hope. 

I can for sure eat more, so very mindful of portion and tracking food. Every. Thing. I. Eat. Anywho. Gotta go.

Cramps from my lower back into my thighs and lady parts. Oh, the intermittent pain. Here and there, but continuing to get worse until I was calling every doc I have to check if I was seriously constipated or having ovary malfunctions. I poop daily, so who'd a thought it'd be a backed up sewer.... I tried to take care of business by investing in the plum smart juice, which went quickly and didn't restock. Oh, the pain came back with a vengeance until I finally hit the ol' er in the evening after I surely thought I had developed deadly uterine cancer or something along those lines. They made sure my electrolytes were good, took and exray of my back and delivered me the news (that I was somewhat knowing was happening). The poo. They could indeed see the poo. Clogging up the system, backed up to my eyeballs. Just kidding, but backed up far enough. How, do you ask, does one still poo daily and have this problem? I have no idea. But I will tell you this; I now keep 4 bottles of plum smart juice, fiber tablets, kefir, stool softenets, milk of mag, and laxatives on hand. Probably has something to do with the weight that comes off in chunks that I have written about. Oh, and i have laid off the cheese. Lol. I laugh at myself. 

I have noticed that my hair is definitely coming out more in the shower and hair brush. I have a lot of hair, so no biggie at this point. Still sucks it is happening despite how "right" I am doing everything else.

Lastly, I have noticed that I can eat more than 1/2 a cup of most things. Maybe 3/4 if it's certain things. Some days I get nervous about it, then I will eat meat or something with umph and feel thrilled that a half cup is plenty. Liquids go down easily now, including water, so happy bout that too. Hit the mid point with my loss and get scared it's coming to an end since I want to lose the rest and never could. Funny the things we fear. While I am only 4 months out and on track, this fear that the weight loss will stop despite my commitment scares the hell out a me.

Had the 3 month check up yesterday. Anxious for last month about it because it's when they look at progress made and can foretell future progress pretty accurately. I have been having these awful ideas that the weight loss would stop for some reason. Like I hit this milestone of the last time I weighed this in 7 years and I would stop here.  I lose in chunks, maybe a little constipation involved, but lose every couple of weeks. I have emotionally wanted to eat more, worrying about stretching my tummy and obsessing about calories and serving sizes. ..

Turns out, after crying for half the appointment, I fell right at 33% loss; right at proper average. Phew!!! They were complimentary of my commitment, comforted me, and said to stop stressing so much, that I WILL continue to lose. Ok.  I got this.

My scale hadn't budged in a week. Frustrated. But then. ....

I woke up 2.8 pounds lighter. I guess the stress was literally weighing me down. Lol. 

Renewal of feeling like I can do this. Although, I might have to drop out of biggest loser at school. Weighing in every week and only showing loss every two to three weeks is not helping. 

Glad to dump the worries I was having for sure! 

Damnit, nature box. I thought we could have a loving relationship. You are a slut, always passing yourself around, "go ahead",  you say. "Take some more of me. Three extra pieces of me." Well, nature  box, I quit you. 

I think I am great about entering what I eat,  but I wonder how many calories get left out from a piece of this and bite of that. 

I need to move more too.

It feels like it is so slow to go right now. Struggling with food. Not really over done it, but food is mind #ucking me right now.