It's been a while

Mar 11, 2017

I have been around 159 to 163 pounds for a long time, recently bounced to 167 and about shit myself. Eating any treat offered rather than saying no. I had stopped being accountable a few months ago with my food tracker, and knew this was where it would lead. I have to be accountable, so that i will make the better choice if i choose to have a treat or say no. Uhg. 

My skin makes it very very very hard to have any realistic idea of where i currently am, and weighs heavily on my psyche. Complete body dismorphia. And like for a legit reason. I'm hot as fuck with clothes on; i hear it often. But then at home, in private, i get out of the shower and bend over to put a towel on my hair, and my arms crepe, my belly hangs and looks like a dog's belly that has been nursing puppies, and my legs crepe as well. There's so much flab and skin. And i then can't imagine how I'm possibly "tiny" or"small" as my daughter says. I long to not have it. I contemplate the scars, and wonder if the trade off is worth it. I over think finding a surgeon who won't fuck up, and how to afford to fix myself with the debt I already carry. Do you put it off for a few years, but then are just that many years older that you can't get back? I want to live today. I want to look good naked for myself today. I don't want to be 50 and regret having waited. 

I worry about maintaining. I gained the weight in the first place at an average of 12 pounds a year. Really, i gained it probably in 20 and 30 pound binges, but it's easy for us bariatric people to gain, say, a pound a month. In 10 years I'll be back where i started. Creeping on. That's conservative, of course. Mindfulness. Stop and reevaluate my actions. Track my food south integrity. And don't quit tracking. Work harder at saying no. Use the damn elliptical in the winter. Don't let my mate dictate what's going in my mouth for dinner. Plan meals. Prep. Think of myself first. 

That's all for today. ?

2 Comments