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Yikes! I visited dietician today and started crying. I never cry in front of strangers. My surprised emotional outburst surprised maye even shocked me. I think it happened because I expect much more from myself. No doctor should have to tell me to take a 20 minute brisk walk everyday or to eat more fruits and vegetables. People lok up to me from nutritional advice. I guess I was crying because I was embarrased; as embarrasing as that even sounds. She was so surprised and thought she had said something wrong or hit a nerve but in reality I had. Listening to myself explain my lack of control was heartbreaking. Which may be a good thing. Maybe I need to be heartbroken by what I have done to myself in order to change. On a very, very sour note,  she said she would like for me to come for 6 visits before surgery!!! Im thinking we need to meet twice a month because I really would like to get this show on the road.

Well I kinda did this part out of order because I'm a little impatient. I found a younger new doctor that I hoped wouldn't give me much grief. And all of my expectations were met! I had a short wait time because she had no patients and she didn't give me any grief but three things did come up. 

1. My nurse was super nice. When I reluctantly (I need to get over the shame) told her what I was there for she was so excited and told me she wanted to get it to and already had a referral. She said her sister got it done and she hates her now because she looks so good. (IM PRAYING NO ONE HATES ME)
2. The more I  (look into the vsg community I hate how superficial I feel. Sometimes it looks like its all about looks and excess skin, and even though I know it's wayyyy more than that it still feels superficial just looking at people's transformations. I think this is why surgery gets the atigna if beibg thw easy way out. I've stopped looking at transformations and started looking into self love online "stuff" I don't want to lose myself or base my worth on my weight.
3. 3. The doctor may have been apprehensive about the surgery that she didn't share but when she looked at my record and saw that I gainef 13 lbs since April she said "oh wow" that made me feel bad. It's bad.... I know... that's why I'm here lady.

Anywho, that's over now and it was painless so off to my consult with the surgeon.

A part of me is afraid that I will not stop eating if I am full once I am sleeved. Let me rephrase that, I know I will not stop eating at some point. Currently,I eat past the point of being full or just feel like I could always have more. The dietician I met with focused mostly on the types of food to eat, but that really isnt my problems. I eat healthier than most people I know but because I eat so much...I really dont.  I know before I get this surgery I need to get my mind in the right place. I did OA once before when I was pregnant and it helped me stop binge eating for about 2 months but I only did it over the phone. I think its time that I get over my embarrasment and go and fully commit. I clearly need help and thats nothing to be embarrased about.