Navytown Mom

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Oh I feel so blessed! Yesterday I went for a follow up appointment and my surgeon advanced my diet to soft foods. I am so thrilled. Overall, my appoinment was good. He removed the Steri-strips off my incisions, and discussed how my second surgery was and reassured me about many concerns. I was weighed and I am now down 59 lbs, I am starting to feel so much better now. He advanced my diet to include tuna salad (minus celery and onions),eggs, baked  scallops, baked fish. 
I had tried chicken salad that was in the food processor (per my dr authorization) the week that I went in for my 2nd surgery, so I am afraid to eat chicken now. Not saying that it had anything to do with my 2nd surgery but I was so ill that I don't even have a desire to eat it. He did say that I could have it but I am not  mentally ready.

I do know that I have a lactose problem and I have tried many protein shakes and have not been able to stomach any of them. I did find a lactose free milk that i really like and it's organic. So I have been using that for cooking and making stuff. My hopes are to get my protein levels up so that I will not have a deficiency. I want to be healthy and not have any health problems. I can eat very limited amount of cheese like 1/4 oz and i feel ok. Any more than that and I feel ill, along with yogurt. One or two bites I am ok but more than that I am ill. So it's been hard for me to get the protein in but now I think things will be easier.

Ok well that is my short update for now. I hope to post before and after pictures soon. Now I need to find my camera!

Well, it has taken me a few days to decide to write about what has happened. Mostly because I am still very scared and very confused. It all started on Aug. 30th, I had felt like I was having a dumping episode. However, the stomach cramps were so severe that it was worse than labor. I had battled with the pain for 2 hours and decided to call my surgeon. His suggestion was take 2 of my pain pills and see if the pain subsided. If not, then go to the ER. So 2 hours after my pain pills, still having tremendous painful cramps that would leave me breathless, and unable to move, I drove myself to the closest ER. Those of us who happen to live in Hampton Roads area know that going through the tunnels to get to Hampton/Newport News area is an adventure of itself. You see where I live I have to go through the tunnel to get to my surgeon's office or to the hospital where he does his work. While I was driving myself to the hospital I decided that I could not go any further and stopped at the one that was not too far and it had a bariatric program. What I didn't know was that I was supposed to go to the original hospital where I had surgery.  So 10:30pm I arrived and was first seen by 11pm. All night I was receiving fluids, had cat scan done, x-rays and numerous exams. By this time it was now 5:30am on Aug. 31st and a surgeon (whom I had never met) walked into my room and informed me that they were going to transfer me to the other hospital where my surgeon was. I had the most horrific, Dukes of Hazzard style ambulance ride to the hospital. I was so happy to have made it alive and that I had not acquired  any broken bones or had any other injuries along the way. Once at the Hampton hospital they put me in my room and started more blood work. My surgeon showed up and examined me. He then informed me that I was dehydrated. So IV fluids were in full force and bags of potassium were on order, along with magnesium. Two more days went by, and I was still vomiting ever 20-30 minutes.  They were still unsure of what was going on but at this point they decided to repeat the Cat Scan on Thursday but with Barium contrast this time, instead of the iodine. Thursday rolls around and they do the Cat Scan and my 2nd (original large) stomach shows up and it is full of fluids. Thursday afternoon my surgeon calls and says they will do surgery first thing on Friday morning.  So five days after being in the hospital they do surgery. They had found a partially obstructed small intestine and my old stomach was obstructed. They put in a GI drain and did another re-routing of the bypass limb and added in a stint. I was released from the hospital on Saturday night. I was thankful to go home but I must say that I am scared. I never expected to go through this. This surgery is much more painful than the original one and the healing time seems to be longer. I am still on clear liquids only and at this point the thought of broth makes me want to vomit. My drain tube is full of fluids and is very uncomfortable, so I called the DR again. I now have an appt tomorrow and hope to get some good news, that maybe i can advance to full liquids.  We shall see.

My dreams of Bacon Cheeseburgers and blueberry pancakes are killing me. Each day I wake up thinking that I can have one and then realize that I had dreamed it all.

Broth, juice, decaf tea and water it is. What a luxury to have such a variety in comparison of the alternative biggest fear. I must say that I am thankful to have the Grace of God to have led me through this situation and I know that I am a better person for it. I know that he will use me and this situation to glorify him. I am thankful to have my life, my salvation and my family.  Each day I hope that I will be stronger and closer to recovery from my surgery.

Ok so I made it through surgery and I had to spend 2 days there. It was rough, I had excessive bleeding at my JP drain . I bled more from the drain than I did when I gave birth. It was scary but everything worked out great. Got home on Thursday, Aug 13th and I was up posting online and texting people. Felt pretty good, just really tired. Then I began my protein shakes. At first I didnt have a problem and actually enjoyed them . However, about 8 days into it I started getting nausea. Then by day 10 I could no longer drink it. I had problems with it going right through me. So then I had to get protein from pudding, broth ect...

Ok so as of today I am 16days out. I had my diet advanced yesterday to soft foods. I am feeling so much better. I have more energy and I have been able to get fluids in good. Food tates great and I am happy to have it finally. The best news is that I am down 38 lbs from the beginning. I feel great. I still long to have a huge glass of water and a large meal but that is just my head talking to me. Everything is going really well and I have been able to get my water in and no problems with food yet.

I am happy to be where I am today!

Ok , so in 36 hours I should be post op. My emotions are running wild to say the least. I am not sure where my head is going. I have been packing for myself for 2-3 days now and packing for my daughter for 4-5 days now. Since she is staying with my mom I have had the pleasure of making her sleep in her crib by herself for the past week and 1/2 and for the past 2 days I have stopped nursing her. Well, I wasnt really nursing her just at night before she fell asleep. Last night and tonight she went to bed without it. Thank Goodness! I think I am getting my life back. Not that I regret nursing her, because I absolutely adore her to death. Nursing was natural and easy for me, it was what I always wanted to do. I am grateful to have had the opportunity to be a mother and I have embraced every bit of agony like it was a piece of cake. Now, my hopes are that she will sleep for my mom. She has only stayed with her 1 time before and she woke my mom up at 4am for the day. So they had an early morning and she took an extra nap. Not this time I hope since my mom has to work on Tuesday. My poor husband working 16 hr shifts for the past 3 days and he will have another 16 hrs starting on Tues night. I will have to hitch-hike home...just kidding. I mentioned that I would call a cab to get home from the hospital and my sister volunteered to pick me up.

I am so excited! I wish the surgery was tomorrow but I have so much to do and so many questions. I guess I will have to prepare tomorrow physically, they are making me have all clear liquids and nothing after mid-night. Ok, I am water HOG! I love water and lots of it. I don't have an unhealthy obession or anything; but it's the only thing that I drink other than protein shakes. I had cut out sodas and other drinks when I got pregnant and now I love water. So the hardest thing will be for me not to drink anything after midnight. I usually wake up and head straight to the fridge for water. I guess Tues I will have to try to stop myself. My other two worries are that they will have issues finding my veins, which are always as hard as finding needles in a hay stack. The worst fear of mine...well I wont mention it. My Dr tells me to be completely positive and that is what I will do. He said that people who go into it with a positive attitude do 10 x's better...so that will be me. I have armed myself with support both in these boards and with another program. I will be successful and I will have a great surgery!!! So Bring It On!!

Seriously, I can't wait and I hope all goes well for my little girl. I just want to give Thanks to God for giving me the life that I have. I know that it's not perfect but the opportunities that I have had I am so Thankful for. I plan on doing better and bigger things starting this year and I will be a more faithful servant.

Susan

My day started off on the normal routine of racing around in the morning. In between getting the diaper bag packed and my lunch fixed I was carrying around my daughter. While I was dressing she was sitting on my bed looking at her books. I am so thankful to God that she is in my life. While things might be hectic and it always seems that I never have an extra minute I still am very appreciative to have her. I had thought back the other day to my journey over 11 years ago.

You see I was 19 and got married to my high-school sweetheart. We both were quite over-weight at the time but the two of us caused more and more damage. We both weighed at one point close to 300 lbs by the time we were 21 years old. It was about that time that I wanted to start a family. We had consulted with the Fertility clinic here for several months and had bunches of tests done and months of fertility pill cycles. I never got pregnant. Our stress level was through the roof and we finally decided to give up on having a child. It was maybe a year later that I decided to do a weight loss plan and over 18months I had lost 152 lbs. My husband had also lost over 100 lbs. Unfortunately, we both had changed during that 18 months, he became more of a party goer and I felt abdandoned and had an affair. Our marriage was over and we had a divorce.

It was not too long after that when I met my husband everything was great in the begining but he was an excellent cook. That has its advantages and disadvantages. Although the food tastes great, it sure stuck to my hips. So now that I have gained back all of the weight that I had lost several years ago. I now am plagued with health problems in addition to the PCOS that I have. It was by 1 chance that I was able to get pregnant and I am so glad that I did. I tell you I really thank God for her. I always wanted Children, not just 1 but more than 1. I know that it was something instilled in me that I wanted a large family (I consider large over 3  children). However, in the begining my husband agreed to 1 maybe 2 kids. The story changed as we have been married longer. He then didnt want any kids, but since I got pregnant I talked him into it. I knew it was the right thing because I had wanted her forever.

So today I am in the break room at work talking to my co-worker about how I want more children. I am telling myself that is what I want and I have let it be known to my husband and my family. I don't have to make myself settle for less. It's time I put myself first for once and this might be the year for me to do it.

Last night and this morning were not easy. First, I want to say that I am having surgery because I want to do something for myself to make me better. I want to be healthy, happy and pain free, not to mention to get rid of my c-pap (hopefully). As if it is not stressful enough being a mom, I then have to tend to my husband. You see he is 18 years old than I and he requires a lot of work. I didn't realize this so much when we first met because I was still in that puppy love stage. I had thought to myself here's a man with his head on straight, he knows what he wants in life, has a stable job and is very dependable. Not to mention, he loves me and I fell in love with him. So there it was...I was hooked. Ok so into our relationship I had began to gain weight, basically due to stress. I am a stress eater and I do subconsiously for the most part. As the years went on I began to eat to deal with my stress and my sadness. I had a hard time dealing with his in-security.  That is the basics of my journey for the past 6 years. As I ate and ate I gained and gained and now am about 150 lbs heavier than what I was when we met.

Now to bring you up to last night and this morning. I have listened to him complain that we have not had been intimate for 2 weeks now. Last night, I tried to put our daughter in her crib but she woke up. I had to rock her to sleep again and then he said not to move her since she would wake up again. Number 1, I don't feel like having sex because I am tired and I am over 300 lbs. Not that my weight should stop me but I am very uncomfortable and I don't enjoy it being at this size. So I apologized to him and offered that we would go into the other room to spend time together. He declined and continued to watch TV. I then had to defend why she is in our bed and why we are in the situation we are in. He's then like well it's your fault that she's in our bed in the first place. Ok, so I admit that it was easier to nurse her in our bed then for me to get up every 3hrs to nurse her. So she is spoiled but she is my first baby and I never thought that I would be able to get pregnant. I had wanted children for over 9 years and had tried in both of my marriages and finally she's here. I am on cloud 9 with her and if that is the biggest of my problems then that is fine with me.  I detect that he is a bit jealous of her. So then I said ok, so I guess since you will not comprimise and go into the other room then we'll just both be unhappy. Then I went to sleep.

Today at 5:30am he wakes me up. I tried to tell him that I didnt want to get up that early; but when I am up, then I'm up. Before I could get out of our bed, he starts with questions. He wants to know if I plan on finding someone else after my surgery. If when I lose weight I will run wild because I will have additional attention that I am not use to. He wants to know if I still love him and if want to have an affair. If I am currently having or previously had an affair. If I am just doing this to become a member of the "IN-Crowd". So 45 minutes later I am still defending my decision and trying to convince him that I do love him and this is for me. Only for me. He wonders why I am so tired and it's because he wears me out and wears me down.

I AM DOING THIS SURGERY FOR ME!!!

Not for anyone else but me. I deserve to feel better, look better and be happy. I no longer want to deal with sleep disorders, being out of breath, knee pain, fertility problems, swollen ankles, blood sugar problems and extreme exhaustion. I want to be able to do things I have never done before and enjoy having activities with my daughter. At the weight that I am, I feel that I am missing out on a lot and my daughter deserves to have the best mom that she can have. If he doesn't think that I deserve to be rid of these problems or have it under better control then he needs to go else where, I will not continue to suffer just because he wants me to. So that he can feel better.

In other words, you need to realize that I love you and I will not do anything stupid. If it is too hard for you to comprehend then we need to move on without each other because you will not hold me back from being  the best that I can be.

And now a full day of work and stress at my job...

I wonder if it ever gets any easier.

My approval that is!!
Today I found out that my surgery is scheduled for August 11th. I am so happy! I say that but there is so many things running in my head. What will I do with my daughter, how will things go, hoping that I will not be sick before my surgery so that I can go as planned. Then there are so many emotions about what I want to do after surgery and what my expectations are. My mom will watch Sierra for me while I am out and I will go stay with her that week/weekend and so I can try to get back on my feet. I just cant wait, I have so much excitement built up inside me and I have been wanting this for a very long time. I feel like after surgery I will be able to really live the life that I have been wanting to live. Yes, I have many emotional issues to deal with and many circumstances to get sorted out. However, I know I can do it. I will have the tools to enable me to live the life that I have been wanting.

All along I have felt as if I was a normal size person trapped in an obese body. I still remember hearing someone call me that for the first time. I was laying in the emergency room of the hospital because I was having stomach pain and I had found out that day I was pregnant. The doctor told me that with the excess adipose tissue it would be hard for them to feel abnormalities on my ovaries so they wanted to do an ultrasound. I was furious, "excess adipose tissue" ok well I was trained in  Biology. I thought to myself this guy doesn't think that I know what adipose tissue is. However, I told him "you know I do realize that I am fat and I understand what you are saying. It was a rough day for me, calling me obese and finding out that I was pregnant all in the same day!
In the back of my mind, I guess I never got over that. From that day on, I had seen on my chart where they documented Obese. On several occasions, other doctors wrote Morbid Obesity. It bothered me! I have never liked the word obese. I will be happy the day I never hear that word describing me or see it on my chart.

I still have to deal with the emotional issues in my relationship to curb me from my current habits of eating to make myself feel better. I need to review it all before I write about it and sort through all of the emotions that I have pinned up.

I will be starting my liquid diet on July 28th, to try to drop some weight and hopefully shrink my insides a little. The surgeon told me to try to lose some weight before the surgery to make it easier for them. I plan on doing this especially since I have seen so many that are.

So I had thought to myself yester why it is that I have not really slowed down and processed everything. I have continued to stay so busy that my schedule can not accept a "more than 5 minute delay" which is hard to adhere to with a 14 month old in tow. It hit me last night when I was racing around trying to get dinner prepared, the diaper bag packed, my luggage packed for the day, the bath ready for my daughter and she was following me around crying on and off. She then pulled on my pant leg and I looked down at those brown eyes with tears and I knew I had to stop for a moment.  It was then that she needed me, even if just to pick her up and hug her, she needed me to take a break for a minute and be with her and give her my undivided attention.

Later, after her bath I read her some books and put her to bed. I then  thought to myself, not only does she need me but I need me. I think for so long now I have been caught up in getting prepared for the surgery that I have neglected my own feelings. I haven't had time to process those feelings, instead just pushed them aside. I sat there for a minute to reflect on the journey that began on April 15th. That was the day I walked into the surgery center for the seminar. I would have never thought that 3 months down the road I would still be waiting on the approval for surgery. Here I am, all of my clearances are done, my tests are done and I am 2 appointments and 1 big approval away.  I hope to have the approval this coming week.

I can't wait for the 1st day of my new life to begin. I think I should write a book, the one that tells every raw, pure detail of the life that led me to where I am today. I will do it one day.

I just want everyone to know that  you are not alone. No matter what you are going through, you are not alone. Find comfort in your family, friends and prayer.