kendralynn
May 2004
I am a junior in college, majoring in Elementary Education because I absolutely love kids and know I have got to lose weight if I want to keep up with them!!! I know I have to have this surgery If I want to have any kind of life at all. I used to never let my weight hold me back and was always pretty outgoing and social but in the past year I have had more trouble fitting in seats and I hate the stares from people. I pretty much stay cooped up in my apt. If my friends want to do something they have come to my place, because I just feel uncomfortable going out. I'm 21 years old! That is ridiculous. I'm really not nervous about the surgery, I've researched it for almost 2 years now and I know it is what I need to do. My main concern is what people will think of me. I know alot of people who disagree with the surgery and I don't want them to know and think less of me. I used to be employed at Curves for 2 years and many of my friends there are very against WLS. As of now I'm just not really telling anyone. This is about me and I can't let other people's opinion hinder my health. They haven't walked in my shoes.
July 8th, 2004
I had my initial consultation on May 21st, 2004. It is now July and I have still not heard from my insurance company and I am going crazy!!! I am a college student and had hoped to have the surgery during the summer so I could have time to heal and slim down before school started back up. Now I am just hoping I will be able to squeeze it in at all this summer. I can't stand the waiting!!! My well being is on the line.
July 9th, 2004
Yeah!!! How weird that I would be so upset and venting on all the messageboards about having to wait for approval and this morning I was awaken by a phone call to say that I have been approved. I am so excited, releived, and thankful, I can't believe it's finally coming together!!!
July 16th, 2004
I'm telling you, I don't have the patience for this. I know I'm approved, but I can't schedule anything until I get the papers in the mail from my Insurance Company. I've been waiting for them for 7 days. Snail Mail!!!
July 22nd, 2004
Well I finally got my insurance straightened out and called my surgeon's office to explain to them that I start back up at college in a month and had to get in for my surgery ASAP. They got right on it and called me back and said Tuesday. So July 27th, 2004 is the big day. Please pray for me. I go in for my pre-op tomorrow and it is a 4 hour drive so I need to get to bed.
July 23rd, 2004
Today was my pre-op and boy was it a long day. The 4 hour drive is a killer. I had blood taken, chest X-rays, talked to a nutritionist, respiratory therapist, had a mini physical, and had to have my blood oxygen tested??? I didn't really understand that part, it hurt like hell and they had to redo it 3 times! Yikes. 4 Days!
July 24th, 2004
My Mom is truly freaking out about the surgery. I had been so excited and not nervous at all. But seeing my Mom cry and tell me she'd rather have me fat than dead is taking a toll on me. I'm getting the heeby jeebies! I have a stash of my "fat" pictures hidden. The pictures that are too awful to put in the photo album, and I keep digging them out and staring at them, and they keep me focused on the many reasons I am having the surgery. I just wish I could calm my Mom down because I need her supporting me rather than crying and freaking me out. :(
July 26th, 2004
So tomorrow is the big day! I hope I sleep well tonight. I've been on a liquid diet today and it hasn't been too bad, until my family came over for a big dinner. I ate my chicken broth begrudgingly as I watched everyone else dig in, and it hit me that this is how it's going to be from now on. But it's going to be so worth it I'm sure!!!
August 2nd, 2004
I'm home from surgery and getting better every day. I had no major complications and everything went well. They did end up having to take out my gallbladder, but I was relieved about that because I didn't want to have to go through a 2nd operation later on. My hospital stay was exhausting. It felt like the nurses were waking me up non stop and I couldn't get any peaceful sleep. I also had terrible nausea and hiccups that hurt like the dickens and nothing seemed to help. Once home I was so excited to finally get some uninterrupted sleep, but my Mom has took the place of my nurses as well as turning into an exercise nazi! I know she means well but good lord. (I'm whining I know) I definitely went through a phase where I wondered what the hell I did to myself, and if I made the right decision. Anyone who says this is the easy way to lose weight is crazy. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through, and I'm only a week out. It's not like I can change my mind or quit. During the hospital stay, one of my nurses woke me up in the middle of the night for one of the many lovely vital checks and to walk. While we were out in the hall walking, her kids ran off the elevator with a thing of cupcakes singing her Happy Birthday. When we got back to my room she told me she had had the surgery 5 years ago and as long as she wiped off the frosting she could eat the cupcake just fine. I thought to myself, "but that's the best part!" That was a flashbulb moment for me. This is FOR life.
August 3rd, 2004
Boy today I have been on an emotional roller coaster. I'm not sure why. I guess its just hitting me what a huge change this is going to be in my life. Trying to keep it a big secret is proving to be impossible. Especially in my small hometown where people live to gossip. They mean well, but they can't keep their mouths shut. Today I recieved my work study assignment in the mail from my college and I freaked out! It was working in the cafeteria. Just the thought, makes me want to puke. I called them to ask if I could be switched to something else and the lady got all snippy with me and I just burst out bawling and I told her I had had gastric bypass surgery and could NOT work around food. She changed her tune then and said she would switch me. But it got me so riled up that I've been crying ever since. I think I am getting cabin fever too. I have sat at home alone pretty much everyday which was nice at first, but it sucks now! I'm not used to being so cooped up and I still can't drive yet. It's also my friends 21st Birthday today and I'm bummed that I can't go out with her. But I can't eat, drink, or drive, so I doubt it would be too fun for me anyways. The pain has gotten significantly better, but now I have to work on my head. I am going to see about finding a good psychiatrist once I move back up to my aptartment when college starts. Today I started full liquids which was one nice thing for the day. I never thought I'd be so thrilled over protein shakes and sugar free pudding.
August 5th, 2004
I am feeling MUCH better today. I think another reason adding to my little pity party the other day, was that I was weaning myself off of my pain medicine. My outlook is much better today. I still am definitely adjusting. I woke up in the middle of the night last night really thirsty and had a bottle of water by my bed so I began chugging. I stopped myslf after a bit when I remembered I'd had this surgery! I coughed up as much of the water as I could, and was so scared I would get sick. Luckily I didn't. I don't have a scale that goes up to my weight so that's bugging me too. I want to see the results! I think I've lost, but I don't really know. On the topic of telling people about my surgery....It's not that I don't plan too. Because I know people will eventually figure it out if I start dropping weight fast. I just don't feel emotionally ready for everyone to know yet. I don't want the phone calls, stares, comments, or whatever else. I'm only 1 1/2 weeks out so I don't think that is too much to ask. But of the few people that do know, they literally keep asking me, "When can I start telling everyone?" Hello! I kind of feel like it is not their place to tell anyone. People are so gossipy! Arghh! (But I'm feeling great today so yippee!)
August 8th, 2004
Lately I have felt like I've sold my soul to be skinny, and I hate that feeling! A huge part of my life has always been eating. It used to be my main focus in life. Now its almost as if food is the enemy. I try to avoid it at all costs. Dinner time is the hardest, when everyone is eating a big meal and I am having a protein shake (blah)! 12 more days of this darn liquid diet then I am pureeing the heck out of some things. When people eat around me I sometimes get beside myself. I have started trying to go for walks to get out of the house while they eat. It's not that I'm hungry per se.....I'm "head" hungry. Everything just smells so good. Being around food either makes me sick, or sad. Despite all my whining, I really am doing well on my diet. If anything, I am not eating enough. I'm just laying it all out on the line, because I want anyone who reads this that is considering the surgery to know all aspects of it, because I really feel like all I heard about was the good stuff. Like shopping in skinny stores, and getting hit on by boys. The first month is the hardest I hear, and at least I am halfway through! Friday is my first check up, and I am looking forward to finally knowing how much I have lost. The few people that do know I've had the surgery keep telling me I look thinner. They ask me everyday if I feel skinnier. I notice it in my face I guess, but that's about it. I went to a fair this weekend which was good because I walked alot, but torture around so many people eating. I hadn't ate the whole day and we came upon a shaved ice booth, and I thought for the heck of it I would check to see if they had sugar free flavors and they did. I was so excited I nearly screamed. So I had myself a small sugar free strawberry one, and it was amazingly good! (and it didn't make me sick which is even better)
August 11th, 2004
I forgot to mention in my last update that over the weekend I went with my Grandma to her chiropractic appointment. She had warned me that her Doctor's office was below his house and that he had 4 little girls that would sneak down and talk to the people in the waiting room. She said they always tell her how fat she is. I didn't think much of it, because I love kids. Well they came down all right, and stared at me like I was a science project. The littlest one came up and was poking me and asked me if I was pregnant. I told her I wasn't and she sreamed "you are fat!" several times. Then the oldest asked me if I had a sister and I said yes and she said, "is she fat like you?" I just kept laughing because I couldn't believe how rude they were. My grandma laughed at me and said she couldn't believe how well I was taking it. I said it's either laugh or cry! Thankfully we were the only ones in the waiting room. But truly that is one of the million and ten reasons I had weight loss surgery. There is nothing like being publicly berated for your weight by a five year old. Yesterday I tried on a shirt that has always been pretty tight on me and it fit normal! How is that for 2 weeks? While this liquid diet still blows it is paying off and I am thrilled. I've been walking twice a day and go a little farther each day. Life is good. Friday is my 2 week check up, then I can finally see how much I have lost!
August 13th, 2004
Today was my 2 week check up and it went well. I've lost 20 Lbs! My nutritionist cleared me to start eating pureed foods early and I was so excited. As soon as I got home I made macaroni & cheese because I had been craving it SO bad. I measured out my little half cup and blended it up. Well I had my first dumping experience. I was in the bathroom for a while and it was g-r-r-r-oss! I am totally over my macaroni craving thank you very much. I also tried to do the baby food thing, but that just isn't going to happen. Yuck!
August 15th, 2004
I had a huge burden lifted off of my shoulders today and it was such a relief. My 95 year old great-grandmother was visiting from Arizona back in May, and I decided to tell her about my surgery so I could do it in person. Nothing could have prepared me for her reaction. She was furious and adamant that I not have the surgery. Once she went back home she would send me newspaper articles downing the surgery, she called all the time to tell me how her Doctor, or others she knew had told her I should not have it. I had been avoiding her for the past month and working up the courage to write her a letter and inform her that I'd had the surgery. Well today she called and the first thing she asked was, "so have you put the idea of surgery out of your mind?" I broke down and said "Grandma I hope your not mad at me but I had the surgery almost 3 weeks ago." She really suprised me then by saying she was not mad and felt bad that I had been afraid to tell her. I went on to tell her how great I am doing, and that as soon as I get down to a decent weight where I'm not embarassed to fly, that I am coming down to visit her. So all is well there. Whew!
August 17th, 2004
I am doing great! No pain to speak of. I guess I have just gotten used to my new routine because it seems like everything is back to normal. It is weird how fast I get full. Prior to surgery it seemed like no matter how much I ate I was never full. It's nice to get that full feeling. Last night I went out to eat with my parents and decided to be brave and try a bowl of chili. It went down fine. I just couldn't believe my eyes when I realized I'd only ate like a 1/4 of the soup and I was stuffed. The waitress kept asking me if there was something wrong with it, or If I wanted a to go box! I just smiled and said, "no thanks, I'm just not that hungry." Wow! I'd heard this from others and it really is true...it's the little everyday things that are the most exciting.
August 21st, 2004
Not a whole lot to report. I've been battling headaches lately and Tylenol is NOT helping (I miss Ibuproefen!), and I have no energy. I know it's normal to not have tons of energy the first few weeks after surgery, but lately it's all I can do to not sleep all day long. I start school in 2 weeks so I hope it gets better! I have been upping my vitamins, and (don't worry Mom I'm still walking). My clothes are definitely feeling baggier on me, but other than that I don't notice a difference when I look in the mirror. My friend called, and when I told her I'd lost 20 Lbs she wanted to know if I looked alot different. I told her as heavy as I am......it's going to take alot more than 20 Lbs to put a dent in my ass!
August 26th, 2004
This Saturday I am going to Adventureland to help out with the Youth Group at my church. I am NOT looking forward to it all. I won't be able to ride any rides, and I'm sure they won't have any WLS friendly food I can have. But I am doing this for the kids I guess, and on the bright side.....this is the last time I will ever have to go to an Amusement Park and not be able to fit in the rides!
August 30th, 2004
Well the trip to Adventureland ended up being pretty fun. The drive was awful. (imagine being on a bus for 8 hours total with screaming hyper kids) I carried nuts and beef jerky in my purse to snack on and actually ate a small piece of pizza at the park and was fine. I broke down and decided to try and ride some of the "fat friendly" rides. Mainly the water rides. It was fun and I felt the trip really brought the kids in our church closer. I am so sore though! That's what I get I guess for trying to keep up with 12 year olds all day. I certainly got my exercise Saturday. I have been like a zombie for the past 2 days.
August 31st, 2004
Tomorrow I start college. I will be a Junior and have just transferred to a new school so I am a little nervous. Today I had a meeting with my new supervisor for my work study job. My job is to recycle? Basically going around campus and emptying all the recycle bins and sorting them out. It should be good exercise. I am less than pleased with my new "uniform" however. Being a big girl I have never worn yellow and never wanted to. I guess it stems from my jerk off neighbors nick-naming me THE SUN as a kid! I have a bright yellow shirt I get to wear every day as I walk around campus. Oh joy...at least I'm shrinking. That's another thing, the largest size they had was 2 sizes too small for me so I am presently stretching the crap out of it!
September 3rd, 2004
Today I started my work study job...I absolutely hate it!!! I am a glorified trash girl. The job is certainly a workout, but it is very demanding and I am just not in good enough shape! It was SO hot today, and we had to walk around to each and every building, on each and every floor, pushing a big old trash barrel around. We had to empty out the recycle bins and pop can containers. I was so exhausted, drenched in sweat, and huffing and puffing to keep up with the the two people I was working with. Then we had to put on gloves and sort all the crap out. It was nasty! (recylce bins are not trash cans people!) I am a high maintenance girl and this job is just not my thing. It put me in such a bad mood. Especially whenever I caught a glimpse of myself reflecting off of glass doors. My uniform is so tight and hideous on me! No amount of stretching could make it look right on me. I came home and bawled. I've lost 40 lbs. in 5 weeks, been exercising like crazy, and doing really well. But it felt like none of that mattered today. I was back to feeling like a fat worthless cow. My first thought was to just quit, but I really need the money and they work around my class schedule. I've decided to give another week or so. I imagine it will be alot better when the weather cools off. Oh the drama. I'm just so overwhelmed with school starting and all. I can't believe the amount of homework I have already!
September 12th, 2004 Well this weekend was the Tri-State Rodeo. My FAVORITE time of the year. I had been looking forward to this since...well after last year's Rodeo. I was so psyched after learning what country singers would be there (2 of my favorite) The Rodeo was good, the concerts were great, but I would say I had a mediocre time. I guess I am starting to realize some of my misconceptions about the surgery. Mainly, that it won't fix all of my problems. I still have all of my crazy issues, and I still battle with my self-esteem. So what if I've lost 40 lbs? I'm still fat, and boy do I hear about it when I go out. It amazes me how cruel people can be sometimes. Even though Rodeo wasn't as great as I'd hoped, I have VERY high hopes for next year. I should be much thinner and more self-confident.
September 25th, 2004 Sorry its been so long since I've last updated. I have been absolutely swamped with school, a practicum, homework, and my new job! I lucked out with the job thing. I now am an office assistant at my college. I answer phones, run errands, and on slow days I can do homework which is very helpful. I had my six week check up last week and it went fine. I've lost 41 lbs which is pretty darn cool. I talked to my Doctor about the headaches I have been having and he said it was probably because I was not eating often enough. I am supposed to eat 6 small meals a day, and had only been eating 3. It is hard to squeeze in 6 meals a day with my busy schedule, but I am working on it. Since I started eating 6 meals a day last week I gained four pounds in a matter of days. I was freaking out a bit, but I have since lost it again so I assume it just was my body adjusting to the change, and my headaches are better! Today I babysat for a new family and as I was coming down the back porch steps one of the steps broke. How embarassing! I'm looking forward to the day when I can stop worrying about breaking things. Thursday night I went to my first support group meeting, it was really nice. I was happy to be there. It was comforting to be around people who have went through what I am going through, especially since no one around me at school knows about my surgery and its like a heavy burden I carry.
October 14th, 2004 So I am getting complaints from my loyal readers (smile) that I haven't updated in a while, but there really isn't too much to report. I have now lost 57 lbs!!! But the crazy thing is that I am still wearing the same size clothes. That's embarassing! If most people were to lose 57 lbs. they would drop 10 sizes. But I have to admit that at the time of my surgery my clothes were so tight that I could barely breathe in them, let alone sit down. There just wasn't really any bigger sizes available so I stuffed myself into what I had. Now my clothes are fitting me like they should, and yes some are really baggy. I was able to get into a size 28 regular jeans yesterday which was exciting! I haven't been able to wear jeans that weren't stretchy in a long time and they were even a little loose! It should be a matter of time before I can wear size 26 and I can't wait.
October 19th, 2004 Well I had the night from hell. I am an education major and tonight I had to go to a school board meeting to observe and take notes. Everything started out fine, there were 8 of us from my college all sitting together. We had to stay for at least one hour and then we could get up and leave. After a few minutes of sitting there my chair kept snapping and creaking and I was like "oh crap not again." Right at a half an hour into the meeting my chair snapped on one side of it. The other side was still in tact. I think the people sitting around me knew something was going on but weren't really letting on. I was so horrified I held myself up by my legs in the sitting position for the rest of the time. (The longest half hour of my life) I was so embarrassed and didn't know what to do. I sat there shaking, staring at the clock, and pray, pray, praying to God. Once that second hand hit 1 hour I jumped and literally ran out of there. 1. Because I was afraid I was going to burst into tears in front of everyone and 2. I could harldy feel my legs, they were so wobbly I thought I was going to fall. This crap is so upsetting will it ever end? It seems like the harder I try, the more this kind of stuff happens to me. Its almost like the devil is attacking me. The optimist in me has looked at the bright side of this though: Imagine how much worse it could have been 59 lbs. ago, and at least it didn't completely break and crumble beneath me. It still hurts though, it really hurts.
November 5th, 2004 Today I had my 3 month check-up. The main reason for the appointment was to check my blood test results and they were fine. (Ode to my 2 a day Flintstone vitamins.) I have lost almost 70 lbs now and I am loving life a little more each day. I'm still fat, but I am no longer super obese, just morbidly obese (I cannot wait to rid myself completely of the obese title). Today I wore a size 22/24 shirt and size 26 jeans. Oh happy day!
November 26th, 2004 Well I survived Thanksgiving and I even lost a pound the next day, WOO-HOO!!!! I did not overeat at all and had a great day. I've started to notice little things lately that are SO exciting. The other day when I got in my car I realized my seat belt was too loose and I had to tighten it, my collar bones are starting to pop out (I'd never seem them before) and the movie theater that I used to avoid because the seats were too tight, well the seats are just fine now.
December 30th, 2004 Gosh it has been so long! But it hasn't been all my fault. I've been home for the holidays and our computer has been on the fritz. I was doing really well and finally hit 299. A huge milestone for me! I haven't been under 300 Lbs. for at least 5 years. However, Christmas threw me a minor curveball. I ended up gaining 2 lbs. and I'm still working on getting those back off. Being home from college and out of my normal routine has completely messed me up. I have even been forgetting my vitamins, which I am normally very good about. There is just too much to do and so many to see when I am back in my hometown. Its been great though. I had a wonderful Christmas.
January 2nd, 2005 This weekend at church as I was coming in, everyone kept stopping me and commenting on my weight loss. One man said, "wow you are really starting to get a girlish figure." !?!?! Then another said if I lost any more weight he was going to have to move up to Cedar Rapids to protect me from the men. A woman asked me how much I had lost and I told her. I was getting so annoyed.....I'm just not used to so much attention. I sat in my normal pew with my family and during the announcement part of church where people can say their blessings, the lady stood up and said everyone should congratulate me because I had lost 90lbs and that was so wonderful and ya da ya da ya da. I was so embarassed I almost choked! I started tearing up and turned SO red. After church I ran out of there as fast as I could to avoid any more interrogation and I told my Mom I was not going to church anymore until I had all my excess weight off because I didn't like all the fuss. She laughed and told me I might as well get used to it because it is going to start happening alot more. Yikes!
January 23rd, 2005 Today is a HOLY day and not just because it is a Sunday. I hit my 100 Lb. mark!!! The weight loss is starting to slow down a bit, which is disheartening because I still have a lot to lose, but I'm hanging in there. They say the 1st 6 months are the honeymoon phase and I guess that is true. Now is the point where I have to put my foot down and give it my all. I bought a used Gazelle and have it propped right in front of my TV. I try to use it every day for at least 30 minutes, and am working my way up to an hour. I thought I would save a ton of money after my surgery on groceries, but I spend more because I have to buy so many vitamins, supplements, protein shakes, and not to mention health food is a lot more expensive than junk! But I was delighted that for the first time in a long time I was able to buy $17 jeans at Wal-Mart. $17!!! Who knew? I'm used to having to buy the $40-50 jeans at Lane Bryant because that was the only place that had jeans in my size. Heck even when I was lucky enough to buy them on clearance they were $20. These Wal-Mart jeans are really nice too. It's the little things that get me excited let me tell you.
November 27th, 2005
Today I had to videotape a lesson of myself teaching a at my field experience for my professor. I was a nervous wreck and such but tonight as I sat down to watch the tape and write my critique I became so filled with emotion I started crying. I couldn't believe that was me on the TV screen. I see myself in the mirrror every day, and I've seen pictures, but seeing it on TV was different. I've never cried such happy tears. It was a nice moment.
December 6th, 2005
Today while at my work study job at school a woman came in to the office to check her mail. She has been coming in everyday for the past year since I have worked there and today she acted concerned and finally said to me, "I've noticed you have lost a lot of weight and I am concerned that you are losing too fast and might get to skinny." (no one knows about my surgery at school) I was flabbergasted by her statement. After transferring to this college over a year ago, I've only had a handful of people even notice or shall I say comment on me losing any weight. But the thought of me being too skinny??? Ha! I still have AT LEAST 50 more pounds to lose before I could even begin to toy with the idea of being skinny. It still made me feel good and I had to fight the urge to jump up on top of my desk and do a happy dance. I had been on a plateau for two months where I had not lost a single pound and now the scale is finally moving again. ABOUT TIME!
December 20th, 2005
I have kind of mentioned earlier how I am very uncomfortable with letting others know about my surgery. It is really hard because on one hand I am so thrilled and excited that I had it and want to tell the world, but on the other I am terrified of what some will think of me, so I have remained quiet and still tend to tell people when they ask me how I'm losing that I have just changed my eating habits and work out a lot. I feel like such a liar! But really, it isnt anyones business and maybe someday I will feel comfortable telling others. The other thing I've started doing lately is when I get asked how much I lost...I totally underestimate myself. I am embarassed to tell people I have lost 170 Lbs. when I am still heavy! I usually just smile and say oh about 100 lbs. or so.
December 31st, 2005
I am home from college for the holidays and my brother and I have fought horribly since I have been back and it has made me miserable. (he's 18) He is such a jerk! He did not know about my surgery. I had it done while he was out of town because he has always been so hateful to me about my weight and I knew he’d be mean about the surgery, so I purposefully had it while he was gone. As far as he knew, I had my gallbladder removed. Well a few months ago he was whining because he didn’t have any money so I offered him $10 to clean my car. Well my medical alert card must have fallen out of my purse because he found it and was pissed. He never said a word to me but I guess he ran in the house and handed it to my Mom and said, “what the hell is this!?!?!” He has started making his hurtful comments about it of course. But I don’t care as much anymore, I can tell he was really hurt, surprised and even embarrassed that he never figured it out and the whole family kept it from him. It only took him a year and a half to figure it out.
August 2006
Holy crap its been a long time since I have posted last!!!! That's life when you are having fun. My life is SO much better. I don't have time to write a novel here, but WOW. I am doing things I never thought I would be able to do. This summer I did get to fly to Phoenix to see my Great Grandma and had a wonderful time.
Next week I will begin student teaching in a Kindergarten classroom and I am so excited and confident. Thank God for this surgery. I can't imagine where I would be right now if I hadn't had it, I don't want to know really because it can't have been good. Now I am looking at plastic surgery...the excess skin is disgusting. Just hoping and praying for insurance approval. *sigh* The waiting is the worst.
My journal entry from the Plastic Surgeon Visit:
July 2006
So my appointment with the plastic surgeon went very well. I figured I would just ask some questions and find out some more information, but they did the full body exam, took pictures of my body (holy crap)! I see it every day, but in the pictures....oh my! Granted, she knew how to make me stand in these really odd positions to make it look really bad. My nurse of course was a beautiful, skinny, blue eyed blonde, but she was nice. She saw me butt naked and practically felt me up. I'm trying not to get my hopes up about approval cause I hear its not likely. Ay yi yi
February 2007
It's official, I am a REAL teacher now! My student teaching experiences were fabulous, and I had the time of my life. Things are going really well. My life isn't perfect, but whose is? Until I can find a real teaching job (which is hard to do mid year) I will be subbing, and I am taking two night classes. I even have a job lined up to sub as a P.E. teacher which should be a hoot! Me teaching P.E. is like an Athiest preaching about God. Ok, ok, not quite that bad. I actually enjoy working out, but MAN I detested gym when I was in school.
I am still chronically single, but don't get me wrong...I get hit on a lot. It is so odd, I just don't know how to respond to male attention, I completely brush it off. It seems I can't even go to the grocery store without getting followed around by some creepo guy that can't take a hint. Sometimes its a little scary. When I do like a guy, I push them away because I am too terrified to tell them about my surgery and face their reaction. I also wonder when a guy is flirting with me how they would have treated me 200 lbs. ago, and I get so mad about it that I eventually blow them off. Then of course there were my little first grade boys that wrote me love letters every day and always had to hold my hand. *sigh* If only they were 20 years older, because they sure were handsome little fellers.
I haven't really lost weight in a long time, it sucks because I really would like to lose about 20 more Lbs., but if I don't, I still look pretty darn good good the way I am I guess. I need plastic surgery desperately however, and was denied by my parents insurance last summer. So now it is either win the lottery, or marry well. :) Ha ha!
I went through a phase where I really grieved about my high school days. I agonized over how much I missed out on by being fat. I've thought a lot about how different my life would have been if I had been the weight I am now in high school - all the school dances I went to alone, and had my friend's boyfriends dance with me out of sympathy. I tortured myself with those thoughts for a long time, but then a good friend reminded me that if I had been thin in high school, I wouldn't be who I am today. Despite all of my insecurities, I am a darn good person and I like who I am. I love helping others and volunteering in my community. I know God had a reason for my being overweight. Someday I hope to write a book about my experiences and help others going through what I have gone through. It's not easy. Some days are harder than others. I still get confused over who I am, and hate looking at old pictures of myself. One day I went on a rampage ripping down all of my old "fat" pictures, I couldn't take looking at them anymore. I called my Mom up and told her to put all of the fat pictures she had of me on display away, and she refused. She said, "that girl in those pictures is my daughter, and I love her very much, fat or thin." I broke down crying then, because that is still me in those pictures, and I felt like a traitor to myself. I also have a lot of issues with people from my past who were too good to talk to me when I was fat, and now want to act like we are best buds. I have become so angry and bitter towards people overall. When people from my past come up to me and compliment me, or act like we are friends, I honestly just want to tell them where to go and it rhymes with bell!
I remember 3 years ago, back when I worked at Curves as a fitness instructor (ha, ha) when obese women would come in to join, I always had to work with them because it was felt that they would feel more comfortable with me since I was big too. But I hated it, during my fitness assessment with them, I could see the pain and embarassment in their eyes, the same pain I felt and it took everything in me not to burst out bawling and just run out of there.
I look in the mirror now, and with clothes on, I do look great, but without them is another story. I can't believe what I did to my body - I can't believe I got that out of control. I am so scared I will get fat again, I am so scared that when I have children someday they will be overweight, I am so scared that I will never be able to finance plastic surgery, and I am SO SO SO scared that I will never love myself enough to let a man love me.
So I've just rambled out the feelings I have been feeling over the past year, and haven't had time to write about because I was too busy student teaching. It's alot I know. But don't get me wrong, I am going places in my life. Sometimes I just like to vent, and writing has always been a therapy for me. I have high aspirations for myself, and an amazing family that loves and supports me very much. I do not regret having the surgery one bit, and I get very pissed off when I watch shows on TV trash talking WLS.
If you are thinking about having this surgery - get counseling and find a support group (it will keep you honest :). Don't get me wrong, I heve been a less than stellar role model as a gastric bypass patient. I made the huge mistake of trying a piece of candy about 9 months after my surgery, it was Easter and I thought I would just die if I didn't get to eat a Cadbury egg. I ate it and paced near the bathroom for an hour just hoping and praying to get sick, but I didn't. It was the worst thing I could have done, because that was when I discovered that I don't dump from eating sugar, and I started to eat candy and sweets a lot more than I am proud to admit. I also never drink enough water, and I doubt there has ever been a day where I have gotten all of my protein in, because I am not a big meat eater, and I have trouble gagging down the protien shakes and bars I have laying around everywhere. I'm getting better though, I lost a lot of hair from the lack of protein and that was a wake up call. I used to have really thick hair and couldn't even wear a head band because it would fall right off my head, and now I wear a head band almost every day.
Before I go, I must mention that I have been blessed with an awesome friend I met through this site, (my angel) we had our surgery on the same day! She keeps me sane, we encourange one another, bounce our frustrations off of each other, and she used to send me all of her old clothes back when I was dropping sizes every few weeks (boy do I miss those days). I love you Jill!!!! We haven't even met in person yet, but I am going to stay with her and her family for my Spring Break this year and I am SO excited about it!
Till next time...
Kendra :)
April 2007
So my trip to visit Jill and her family was a success! I had a great, low key time and it was SO wondeful to finally meet!!! I pretty much felt like I already knew her because we have been e-mailing almost daily for over 2 years now - so our meeting was way past due. :)
I found out not too long ago that the hospital where I had my surgery is shutting down. I was very sad to hear that. My Surgeon is moving to their branch in Pennsylvania. I will miss getting to see him each year for my check ups, and I will really miss the kick butt shopping in Rockford, Illinois! That is a loss for the midwest.
*I have had a breakthrough and finally decided I am DONE denying I had gastric bypass surgery. I did what I had to do so save my life and how can I be ashamed or embarrassed of that? Anyone who has a problem with it will need to just shut up, because it was the best darn decision I ever made!
July 2007
I cannot believe it has been 3 years since my surgery! I have these moments all the time when I am doing something that I never could have done before the surgery and I stop in my tracks and get so overcome with happiness that I start crying. I am just a big weepy bawl baby, but its all happy tears now. :) Whether it be while chasing my baby cousins around the playground and not getting the least bit winded, or screaming bloody murder on a super scary ride at the local fair, life is great as a normal sized person! I am no longer an observer of life, I am a full fledged participant!
My next hurdle is plastic surgery. I am seriously scared to have it, but my loose skin is holding me back in many ways from being truly comfortable and accepting of myself. I feel so frumpy and no matter how hot it is, you will NEVER see me with a short sleeved shirt on because I HATE my saggy arms. At my last support group meeting one of the ladies had recently had her plastic surgery done and she showed us the scars and it was pretty gruesome. Then I talked to a girl who told me how horribly painful the platic surgery was and to not go through with it unless I absolutely had to, but I know for my own happiness I do have to. I'm just holding out for the right time where I can hopefully financially swing it. I am hoping and praying for next summer. Keep me in your prayers!
I was just hired for a K-1 special ed. teaching job in Mediapolis, Iowa which is only 30 miles from my parents. I am SO thrilled to be moving back near family, but I am also sad to leave the great friends I have made in the Cedar Rapids area. It will be a huge change for me living in a town with only 1600 people in it. I bought a really nice trailer for a steal of a price and have been working hard on it. I am also working weekends at Wal-Mart as a cashier for a little extra income. I worked there all through high school and detested it, and never thought I would be back when I quit, but money is tight and I am doing what I have to do. It isn't too bad though, and it's so much easier cashiering now than I remember it being then, another plus from the weight loss!
Now that I have finally started to be very open about the surgery to people, more and more people have read my journal on here and the feedback has been wonderful! Its really got me thinking about writing a book. This is such a watered down version of my journey and there is so much more to tell. I just need to find the time to begin writing it. There are sad things, extremely embarrassing things, and some pretty funny stuff too, like me peeing on a grill, but you will have to buy the book to get the full story on that one! :P
August 2007
Man! If someone would have told me three years ago that I'd be here today complaining about too much male attention...I would have been rolling on the floor with laughter, but that is the case. Male attention really freaks me out and I just can't seem to get used to it. A few weeks ago after a long day of working at Wal-Mart I was doing some grocery shopping when out of nowhere came these two very aggressive and inappropriate guys who followed me around the store for 20 minutes whistling, cat calling, and doing some disgusting things with their tongues. I completely ignored them, but I was so scared that I almost went to get a manager to escort me to my car since is was late at night. But thankfully they finally got the message and took off.
Then again last night as I was walking to my car after work I had a group of guys walking behind me in the parking lot who kept yelling "beep beep." I instantly got so offended and felt the tears coming on, thinking they were making fun of me, and all of my fat girl insecurities came rushing back. But then I heard them say, "Honk if you're horny" and I turned back to look at them and realized they were hitting on me! It was the strangest feeling ever! I jumped in my car and hightailed it out of there completely bewildered. I just completely fall apart when a guy makes a move and I'm thinking if I don't get over it soon, then I'd better get used to the single life!
Myspace Layouts
February 2008
So I've realized that I haven't forgiven myself for what I did to my body. In fact I think I pretty much hate myself, and that is why I struggle so much with relationships and letting people get close to me. It is hard to let other people love you when you don't love yourself. What a revelation. :(
June 2008
Today I went to a theme park with my brother, his girlfriend, and my sister. The big question used to always be AM I GOING TO FIT? Now that isn't a problem, but my loose skin is. None of us took in our cameras or cell phones because we knew we would be getting wet, so when we did the log ride I told everyone to smile big and I would buy the picture if it was good. I had my hands raised up and when I saw the picture I almost burst into tears, it took everything in me not too. I looked like I had wings or something by how long the skin on my arms was hanging. It was horrifying. I've been really upset over my arms for a while now. Every summer this happens, but this summer has by far been the worst. In addition to being a teacher, I am a waitress at night. The uniform at the restaurant I work at has a pretty short sleeve, so I always wear a 3/4 or long sleeve shirt under it. Well that wasn't a problem until recently when it has been so hot. Sometimes I think I am going to die and I stick out like a sore thumb! All my co-workers comment and ask why I wear long sleeves when it is so hot. It's embarassing! But I don't have a choice. It is only going to get worse as the summer goes on. I feel so trapped because I absolutely cannot afford plastic surgery, but I am sick of feeling like a freak who wears long sleeves all summer long. I have too much pride to let it all hang out like some. Grrross! Then later while we were waiting in line for another ride I saw a morbidly obese woman on a ride and the workers were all pushing to squeeze her in. It made me sick to my stomach and brought back many painful memories. That used to be me........ Thank God it's not anymore, even if I do have nasty bat wings!
July 2008 (4 year anniversary!)
I was lying in bed last night unable to sleep and realized it was my 4 year anniversary for my surgery! It got me thinking about my life over the past few years and how much it has changed. I just got back from Kosova on a missions trip where we camped in the mountains and hiked everyday. If you would have told me I would have been doing that on July 26th, 2004...I would have peed my pants laughing! Life is good!!!!!
I never did get to my ultimate goal weight, but I have done well and I am very pleased. Yay! There is hope for all of you on the other side. Good luck and never give up hope!!!! Now if I can just win the lotto so I can have plastic surgery, and find a good Christian man to marry and have lots of babies, all will be fantastic. :) Ha ha ha ha
About Me
IA
Location
26.3
BMI
Surgery
07/27/2004
Surgery Date
Jun 16, 2004
Member Since
