9 years? That's crazy!

Sep 22, 2013

I can't believe it's been 9 years! It has been a whirlwind to say the least. After surgery I consistently lost weight for the first two years, but then the weight loss just stopped cold. I wasn't near my goal, but I had come so far and felt so much better that it didn't bother me that much at the time. I stayed at the same weight for about 5 years until 2010 when my sister got engaged and asked me to be her maid of honor. I was determined NOT to be a fat bridesmaid so I took up Zumba and worked my butt off. I felt amazing in that bridesmaid dress and soon after began dating a co-worker of my brother-in-laws. I was ecstatic to finally have my first boyfriend at 28. We were a terrible match from the start, but I overlooked it because I so badly wanted to make it work and didn't want to go back to being single and ALONE. He was wonderful for the first 3 months or so of our relationship, but eventually his true colors started to show and he began treating me like crap. By this point though I loved him and was determined to make it work. I put up with more than any sane person should and finally realized it was never going to work between us literally around our 1 year anniversary. Breaking up with him was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I thought would die of a broken heart. I couldn't eat or sleep for days and cried non-stop. It was the lowest point of my life. I felt so terribly alone I couldn't take it and jumped back onto Match.com a month later. I had never had good luck with online dating, but my uncle, who called to see how I was doing after the break-up encouraged me to give it a shot so I did thinking it would be at least a distraction from my misery. I was flattered and overwhelmed by the amount of responses I got and went on a ton of dates. It was fun to be e-mailing, texting, and going on dates all the time. I got to eat at some pretty nice restaurants! But no one really appealed to me and I decided to let my membership expire at the end of the year because it was too emotionally draining to deal with the highs and lows of constantly going out with someone new and having it fail. Wouldn't you know though on a cold slushy December day I met Mr. Wonderful in a mall parking lot. We have been together 9 months today. He is so good to me! On one of our first dates he told me I was beautiful and I nearly lost it. In the year that I was with my ex he never once told me I was pretty or beautiful. It has taken being in a great relationship for me to realize just how poorly my ex treated me. I have to say to be celebrating 9 months today with my new love, and a year without my ex, I have began to feel something I NEVER expected to feel and that is absolute ANGER at myself. I am so PISSED that I didn't have more self worth. That I was one of, "those girls," who stays in a miserable relationship and allows herself to be treated poorly. My ex always made me feel like I was an inconvenience. He was always too busy for me and I had to practically beg him to make time for me, and then when we were together he would pout and be hateful. He was rude to me, my family and friends. WTH! He would've rather been out hunting, fishing, farming, or drinking at his neighbor's, or out at the country dump of a bar with his friends than be with me. I would sit at his place waiting for him, making him dinner, baking him his favorite cookies, packing his lunch, cleaning his house, doing his laundry, thinking if I just try harder he will change, or realize what a good thing he has. Maybe he'll realize I am a good person and how much I love him. I could kick my own ass right now! I changed who I was for him. I routinely trudged through manure to feed his damn cows and helped him tend his garden and install boat seats and spray chemical on his weeds. I tried to be a farm girl when I hate everything about country living. I don't even like animals. Grrr... What did he do for me? Make me feel like a useless piece of shit! I will never let anyone treat me that way ever again! It's water under the bridge now, and I really am over it. It just hurts me to know I didn't take a stand for myself sooner. I almost settled for a miserable life with a jerk just because I was too scared to be alone. I've learned so much about myself. It truly is better to be miserable alone than miserable with a person who doesn't treat you right. Plus....it allows Mr. Right to enter the picture! 

I turned 30 this summer and my boyfriend took me to Chicago to celebrate. We spent a night in downtown Chicago to explore Michigan Ave. and Navy pier, then drove to Six Flags the next day. I have a thing about amusement parks now that I can fit in the rides! I started telling him on our way there how going to Great America was going to be a "full circle moment for me," in the words of Oprah because we went there on a family vacation when I was 16 and as always my Mom made us go to the Antique Picture place first thing to get our family photo. It was right next to the Batman roller coaster so that was the 1st thing we were going to ride when we got done with pics. After waiting in line for over an hour with my brother and sister we were going to be in the front row, but I didn't fit in the seat and the belt wouldn't latch. The workers stood around trying to make it latch and it wouldn't. I was humiliated and had to get off. Everyone seemed so disgusted with me. I told him how from there my little brother and sister got to go off on their own to ride rides and I went with my parents and we watched shows for the rest of the day. I started bawling in the car as I thought back to that day and how much it hurt and embarrassed me. My boyfriend held my hand and said it was hard for him to hear that because he doesn't see me as ever being that heavy. When we got there we went and had antique photos taken first thing and rode the Batman! Oh happy day!!! FULL CIRCLE BABY! 

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