ladyv808

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So, yesterday I officially lost 20 pounds! That's when I realized other than my ultimate goal of 120, I have no other goals! I mean I have goals, but I don't really have goals... Everyone always says that success comes from making goals both long term and short termed. Least that's what the "professionals" say so I figured why not? Why not make some goals and see if they're really right. Plus the small milestones and goals might help my pessimism go away. When I lost 20 pounds instead of being happy I was like, "Shit, still have 110 pounds more to lose! Ugh!", what a horrible mentality right? So maybe this might help me ease up a little and celebrate the small things. I think that is important especially since the small things make up the big picture. I decided to make goals today but I am unsure what to make my goals! LOL. So I figured I'd break it down...

Long Term Goals:
-120lbs
-Runner

Short Term Goals:
-Lose 20lb [DONE]
-Lose 40lb
-Under 200lbs
-190lbs
-180lbs
-170lbs
-150lbs
125lbs
-Jogging
-Swimming
-Join a gym!
-Work out for 1hr
-Work out for 1 1/2 hrs
-Work out for 2 hrs

Couldn't think of much. Maybe I'll update this later on as time goes by and I notice I can do more and there are more I want to do. Until then this is it for now. Hopefully I'll be able to update this list a lot sooner than I think!

A friend asked me tonight what has been bothering me so much lately that it's "shook me to the core". This really has been "shaking me to the core" as he so naively said. He doesn't know about the surgery. I cried and cried and cried just now. I cried for everything I was, everything I am, and everything I will be. I cried for my past pain and my inevitable future pain. I finally took the first step in saying goodbye to the old me and meeting the new me. It took a long time. I knew I'd break down. I am trying to bring myself to a positive place since surgery is tomorrow morning. I want to be strong. I want to be stronger. I am scared as shit. I won't lie anymore. I am scared. I am terrified. I am mourning. I don't know what tomorrow brings for me, maybe it'll be more bad times, but I pray it'll bring good times too. Someone said "2013 is your year." He told me that on New Years Day. I told him "Psh, it's NEVER my year." He said "Well, when other people tell me that they year turns out great." Maybe that was my sign. Maybe that was something that was meant to change my forever and I never noticed. The writing on the wall we always think is for someone else might just actually have been for me. I may not be ready for tomorrow, but I am trying with all my damn might. No one, no one, can take that away from me. I am trying so hard. I just wish someone would tell me "It'll be ok". Someone would confirm that this is worth it. Or maybe I just need to believe everyone that has already told me that. I am a fearful person by nature. I am a worrywart by nature. My mom had to soothe me out of my crying fit. I feel like crying more now that I think about it! Haha... Ahh, head first. I've always been like that and I am still alive with a million stories to tell and maybe even a stronger better person for it. So, let's do this! Head first. See you on the other side!

So, last week Thursday I got my surgery date! It's March 8th! Amazingly enough most of my anxiety is coming from my inability to drink anymore. I just turned 21 on 2/11. I haven't been able to "legally" drink for a long time. Finally being able to has been fun and now I have to stop. I feel like I should've cried by now. Have a mental break down or something but instead I keep justifying everything. I keep telling myself to be logically and when I feel like I am about to start crying I stop myself. I don't know. All I know is I am highly scared. Scared, nervous, and at good moments in the day I am super excited. Mostly though that excitement doesn't exist much. I haven't completely quit smoking yet. I honestly don't think I will. My parents are mad at me. I am somewhat mad at myself as well, but an addiction is called an addiction for a reason. People act like food is the hardest thing to cut but that's not the case at all. Food. I'd rather starve before cutting my cigs. I am even more scared now about the surgery because of the complications that can occur but I don't plan on stopping now. Yes, I lied to my doctor about quitting. Yes, I know it's wrong. Yes, I know the consequences. Yes, I am very scared for my own self. No, I don't plan to stop now. I don't plan to stop smoking, I don't plan to quit the surgery. I don't plan on backing down now. I plan on taking it on and praying to God that everything goes as planned. Allow me another chance to make a change in my life. Lay me out on the line for one horrible habit but don't off me from a chance to make a difference. I sound stupid. I don't know. I'll be back before surgery and after!!!

So, on Feb 11, 2012, I got the call saying my insurance claim got approved. Coincidence or not, my birthday, is actually Feb 11th. Is this fate telling me this is the right thing to do? October is when I started this whole journey. On the phone Sasha said the earliest I can get the surgery is March 8th (they prefer surgery's be done on Fridays). That means it'd have been a whole 6 months since I started this adventure of changing my life and quite frankly I am a tad bit scared. There isn't anything like being told your life will change over night. Maybe not my weight or health issues, but definitely my life style and that's a bit scary. I am both impatient and scared all at the same time. I feel like this is just a dream. I haven't told anyone but my 3 immediate family members and 2 best friends. So, since no one is talking about it (even those that know other than me and one of my best friends) I feel like it's just a secret between me and my best friend that makes us giggle and dream of better days. Ya know? Maybe it's because I am pessimistic by nature that everything seems a little more dim to me than it should be but I just seem a little afraid. Maybe it's the thought of being a failure at this considering it's my last chance at a better tomorrow. Ugh, I feel pressured. Between my happiness and my fear I am lost in this abyss. BUT! Regardless of my fear and pessimism I am going through with this & I will try my hardest. If I have to break down and cry once in awhile I will, but I won't give up. Not this time. Ready or not here I come. My pre-opt appointment is Feb 28th so my next update will be around then :].

Hey,
Well a lot has happened since what? September? When I started this journey into getting gastric bypass. As the more time goes by the more anxious and nervous I get but most of all I get more tired. It's been a long 5 months of running around, getting paper work done, getting samples in, doctor appointments, so now that it's finally down to the last word I am thoroughly scared. After 5 months of taking our sweet time in getting things done (...I was a smoker so we had to wait that extra 2 months) and it all comes down to that last phone call from my insurance. Whether they approve or deny my surgery. I am so scared. I am a very healthy person outside of my weight. I have no comorbidities and to be honest my BMI is only 42% which I had to gain weight for just to get over that 40% margin. Not that I was far below anyway I originally started in Nov. at 38% for my BMI. Reading about peoples stories & meeting them face to face is quite an experience. To see their humble personalities, their hard work, and most of all their resolve to become a better version of themselves really makes me nervous about myself. Thinking beyond just the surgery I begin to wonder how I will do... Will I go downhill? I don't know. I think right now I am just tired and nervous and pessimistic. I hate waiting but they said it takes 2 weeks for approval and they only sent my claim out around 1/25-1/26.

Until then... Let the good times roll~