lucylewis847

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Hi everyone.  Haven't been here in awhile.  I'm down 40 lbs since 6/15- kind of dropping it fast. Clothes are all wrong, which makes work pretty hilarious.  I'm swimming in everything but refusing to by anything yet.  I'm in a bit of stall and I'm not letting it get to me.  A couple of days without dropping a pound is just fine.  I did however, experience my first idiotic overeat last night- completely on accident.  I didn't eat that much at all, just some shredded chicken.  It was horrific the amount of pain I felt.  I had to vomit.  I've never been that uncomfortable in my life and will NOT do that again.  I'm a little scared to eat.

I used to blog every day, sometimes twice a day, after my dad passed away nine years ago.  It was my meditation, my ritual of moruning and perhaps one of the only "safe" things I did during that period of time.  I've found that I can be more honest when writing than I am when I'm alone in my head.  I've found the desire to write more now that this has happened in hopes of continuing to be honest with myself about this entire process and admit anything, even the darkest things, so that I acknowledge them.

So here's a recap of me.  I started my pre-op liquid diet on 6/1/16 and had surgery on 6/15/16 in Chicago.  To be honest, I hadn't even considered WLS until a physician in my healthcare system came out to the Western Suburbs to drum up some business for his bariatric practice.  He was basically brilliant.  I'd met with him a couple of times and had all of my pre-op stuff taking care of pretty quickly.  Because I apparently have great insurance, I did not need to go through any approval process of any length.  I met with psychotherapist, a nutritionist, had an EGD and an appointment with my primary and I was good to go.  And here I am.  On the other side.

On the other side of surgery!  I don't know if the worst is yet to come.  This has been pretty easy.  I had one really weird anxious day where I thought about my own mortality and thought I'd never lose weight and that I'd be one of "those" that didn't lose weight.  Did I prepare enough?  Did I miss something by not having to go through all of the hoops most people need to go through?  I don't think so.  I'm extremely driven and independent and feel that I've taken steps that go beyond what others have done.  For example, I started seeing a therapist last week.  It was recommended that I see someone who can help me come up with some behavior modifications or cognitive behavioral therapy so that my triggers don't force me to eat.  Truthfully- my eating is the only thing that I am in charge of.  When I set my mind on something, I rarely give up on it.  For me, my weight gain has been based around bad relationships- not stress.  So I'm going to empty my bags of all of the baggage a 37 year old could have and focus on my life.  I'm so ready for this.

Enough about that... I've progressed to full liquids a day later- only because I forgot that I could start yesterday.  Actually, I had part of a shake last night and I could've sworn it was the first meal I've ever tasted ever in my life.  It was sent from heaven.  Minimal cramping.  I'm getting used to the sounds my insides are making.  My blood sugars are normal (which is bizaree because I'm eating 300-400 calories a day so far). 

My only problem now is obsessing over the scale.  How often is normal to weigh?  Trust me when I say I'm completely abnromal about this...  Ah well, time to walk.  And do homeowrk.  And watch a movie.  And work on me :)

Good luck everyone.  I'm so glad to know there are a lot of us out there on this journey together.

Fridays are the worst.  I work hard all week and can manage just fine when I'm working.  But Fridays are for friends and drinks and pizza and relaxing.  Not for me.  Not right now.  I'm tem days in to my two week liquid diet.  I'll tell you, I'm quite surprised that I've made it this far.  I've always heard people say, "Trust me, if I can do it, so can you."  I've never believed them.  I am honestly saying to myself and to anyone else-- if I can do this, anyone can.  If I can do this- I can do anything, to be honest with you.  I am going to do everything...

I am many things.  I am a woman, a feminist, to be specific.  I'm a wife to a wonderfully supportive and compassionate man.  I'm a mother to a three year old son, William, who makes my heart skip beats and whose very voice takes my breath away.  I'm a daughter to an extremely intelligent woman who immigrated to the U.S. from the Philippines.  My dad, my first love, died nearly 9 years ago- feels like yesterday some days... I have a brother who I adore.  I have an amazing support structure filled with great friends; I think we laugh more than anyone in the world.  I'm 37 years old.  I am a nurse by profession but work as a Regional Director of Nursing in the western suburbs of Chicago and have an extremely demandng and exhausting position.  I love it.  I'm also in school for a Master's Degree in Nursing and also a Master's in Business Administration.  I. Am. Driven.  I. Am. Ambitious. 

I'm living too fast.

I'm scared.  I'm overweight, obviously.  I just recently found out I was diabetic and you could've told me that I'd lost everything in life.  My sister-in-law said to me the other day that I'm constantly trying to "one up" myself.  My husband asked me when I would ever be satisfied.  I ask myself-- what am I hiding from?

I think I've been expected to be the yes girl, the fun girl, the busy person, the fixer, the peacemaker, the comedian, the friend, the lover, the mother, the fighter, the distracter... Maybe I've given everyone the percpetion that I can do all of this.  I can?

I recently started noticing that my eyelids were droopy.  I hate the way the looked so I had plastic surgery to make them look better.  Why would I have surgery on my eyes for aesthetic reasons but not have weight loss surgery to improve my life?  Why?

SO I AM.  At 37 yeras old I am going to live for myself for the first time ever.  I was scared of getting older but I love that I've become more focused on the things that are important to me.  How can I mother my son without moving?  How can I be intimate with my husband when I secretly loathe the way my body feels.  I told him the other day that I hate the way my body SOUNDS when it moves.  And trust me, I don't hate myself at all.  I think I'm normal.  I'm not happy with what's happened to me.  I have put a lot of things first and not practiced my mantra of making myself the best self so that I can bring that person to the table... I'm humble, but I'm honest and can tell you that in my personal and professiona life you get the best of me.  I give my best self to the world.  And that best self is extremely successful.  I cannot tell you how excited I am that I am giving my best self back to me.

Inside of me is the athlete I once was, dying to run again, to compete again and to win.  My body has been bogged down by weight I've eaten due to refusing to carry baggage.  I won't be someone with a ton of issues, I will face my issues head on... I've lied to myself.  Yes, I eventually recovered from every heartbreak and let down I've had.  But I've also eaten them.  Saying those words is freeing.  I'm ready to live my life as me for the first time in twenty years.

So, getting back to Fridays.  Today is the last Friday before I have surgery.  I've made it 10 days and have four more before surgery.  I've actually lived my life by the number of protein shakes I have so I'm no longer at 56 but I'm down to 17.  SEVENTEEN more pre-op and I'm sure quite a few post-op but I'm good with that.  I'm good with all of this.  This is going to be amazing.  Amazing.