lucylewis847
My first blog. Old vs. New
Jun 10, 2016
Fridays are the worst. I work hard all week and can manage just fine when I'm working. But Fridays are for friends and drinks and pizza and relaxing. Not for me. Not right now. I'm tem days in to my two week liquid diet. I'll tell you, I'm quite surprised that I've made it this far. I've always heard people say, "Trust me, if I can do it, so can you." I've never believed them. I am honestly saying to myself and to anyone else-- if I can do this, anyone can. If I can do this- I can do anything, to be honest with you. I am going to do everything...
I am many things. I am a woman, a feminist, to be specific. I'm a wife to a wonderfully supportive and compassionate man. I'm a mother to a three year old son, William, who makes my heart skip beats and whose very voice takes my breath away. I'm a daughter to an extremely intelligent woman who immigrated to the U.S. from the Philippines. My dad, my first love, died nearly 9 years ago- feels like yesterday some days... I have a brother who I adore. I have an amazing support structure filled with great friends; I think we laugh more than anyone in the world. I'm 37 years old. I am a nurse by profession but work as a Regional Director of Nursing in the western suburbs of Chicago and have an extremely demandng and exhausting position. I love it. I'm also in school for a Master's Degree in Nursing and also a Master's in Business Administration. I. Am. Driven. I. Am. Ambitious.
I'm living too fast.
I'm scared. I'm overweight, obviously. I just recently found out I was diabetic and you could've told me that I'd lost everything in life. My sister-in-law said to me the other day that I'm constantly trying to "one up" myself. My husband asked me when I would ever be satisfied. I ask myself-- what am I hiding from?
I think I've been expected to be the yes girl, the fun girl, the busy person, the fixer, the peacemaker, the comedian, the friend, the lover, the mother, the fighter, the distracter... Maybe I've given everyone the percpetion that I can do all of this. I can?
I recently started noticing that my eyelids were droopy. I hate the way the looked so I had plastic surgery to make them look better. Why would I have surgery on my eyes for aesthetic reasons but not have weight loss surgery to improve my life? Why?
SO I AM. At 37 yeras old I am going to live for myself for the first time ever. I was scared of getting older but I love that I've become more focused on the things that are important to me. How can I mother my son without moving? How can I be intimate with my husband when I secretly loathe the way my body feels. I told him the other day that I hate the way my body SOUNDS when it moves. And trust me, I don't hate myself at all. I think I'm normal. I'm not happy with what's happened to me. I have put a lot of things first and not practiced my mantra of making myself the best self so that I can bring that person to the table... I'm humble, but I'm honest and can tell you that in my personal and professiona life you get the best of me. I give my best self to the world. And that best self is extremely successful. I cannot tell you how excited I am that I am giving my best self back to me.
Inside of me is the athlete I once was, dying to run again, to compete again and to win. My body has been bogged down by weight I've eaten due to refusing to carry baggage. I won't be someone with a ton of issues, I will face my issues head on... I've lied to myself. Yes, I eventually recovered from every heartbreak and let down I've had. But I've also eaten them. Saying those words is freeing. I'm ready to live my life as me for the first time in twenty years.
So, getting back to Fridays. Today is the last Friday before I have surgery. I've made it 10 days and have four more before surgery. I've actually lived my life by the number of protein shakes I have so I'm no longer at 56 but I'm down to 17. SEVENTEEN more pre-op and I'm sure quite a few post-op but I'm good with that. I'm good with all of this. This is going to be amazing. Amazing.
