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  I had the gastric bypass @ 10:15am. January 24th, 2012. the surgery, I was told, went well. I was very nervous/excited to get in the OR and get it over. It happened so fast and I woke up on/off with little clarity or care until late afternoon.

I was bloated. My abdomen looked far bigger than usual and I had great discomfort. I say this because I don't know that I felt real physical pain at this point. Nothing to drink yet and was told that it was off limits to me untill I had an upper GI to check for leaks the next day (25th) early in te morning. Mind you early to me is 10 am =) During this test was when I was asked to drink for the first time. I was scard of what it would feel like. Would I get sick or would it hurt my new stomach.

Something was happening to me and I couldn't quite define it. I didn't know how to explain what I was feeling. I knew only that it was a variety of physical and mental stuff.  I was really afraid to talk to anyone about it. 

After my mandatory and much needed walk, I realized I was terrified. I knew that I had made a decision that I didn't know if I could live with. "What the hell have I done"?! raced through my head. I spoke with my husband and then some of the staff. Everybody said the same thing: " You are going to be alright". I wasn't so sure. 

I was in the very early stage of recovery from surgery. The anesthesia took my strength and I found myself somewhat confused and very afraid. I didn't have the word yet to define what was happening to me. Many ups and downs later and it was time. It was thursday the 26th and time to go home. I was told to get my medications from the pharmacy before I left. 

Several hours later, it was 8pm, the night of the 26th and we were home. I was never so happy or frightened. I was officially alone with my husband and our pets. I was more nervous than ever.

We were both exausted. I sipped on water and just tried to relax. Much more to write about what happened that night and our return to the ER an hour away.

 My original reasons for not having surgery were many. I had doubts, many questions, far too many worries. Did I want to Cancel the surgery ? I wasn't sure. I got a call from the surgeon's nurse on the 11th and theat is when she said the doc thought I was an excellent candidate for weight loss surgery and I knew I had to drop the bomb. I was too scared to have surgery and found myself too scared to cancel it. But, I just blurted it out when she was in mid sentence. "I can't do it" !! After a very long chat she said that so many people call or even show up and decide to stop the procedure.

I knew after talking to her that I didn't want to cancel altogether. I postponed it till Jan 25th, 2012 I wanted the time to get it together and really be ready. I just couldn't do it because people would say "Oh you will be fine". My husband said"well it's up to you". I knew that financially we just couldn't do it right now. So, I guess it was a relief for everyone. For sure. I knew I felt better knowing I didn't have to jump. I know that I'm almost ready. 

I needed assurance that I couldn't lose it on my on and keep it off. I felt so good and was somewhat glib about the small weight loss I had. Well, I gained most of it back already! There it is....I don't want the surgery. I NEED IT!

 It's 3:30 AM. Yesterday was a big day. I weighed in @ the docs office. I was stunned. I had dieted and cut back on portions since I found out in oct. that I still had 6 pounds to go to reach my goal weight. 

I'm still shocked by what the scale said. I was 334.7. I couldn't believe it. I had just really gone without much food at all. The goal weight was met and then some. 

Wondered if I could do the weight loss by myself again. The big question comes up again between me and my PCP if I could avoid the surgery and stay on a very disciplined life. But after surgery I would be on a disciplined life. What would be the difference?

Must go to the forum and ask.

We had a very uneventful Halloween.  I have been very nervous about the upcoming surgery. The time is coming closer. I have my weigh in appt. on Nov. 8th. Odd that I was thinking at the same time ..all I need to do is eat like I did before and I will not have my goal weight and they will cancel the surgery. Or, I can just call and say "forgert it". I changed my mind. Then I would have nothing to freak out about anymore.

Avoiding both of those options I have been throwing myself into two books. These were my friends suggested reading must haves before surgery. "The Skinny on Weight Loss surgery" and "Weight Loss Surgery for Dummies". The information was amazing. Some of it was a bit scary but, I realized the most crucial part of this for me. It came down to one question: Do the risks outweigh the major benefits of this surgery. The answer has always been "Yes"!

So, here I am and I'm still moving forward and trying to keep focus on the positives.

 Well, it's my favorite time of year. I love Autumn. Halloween is fast approaching and I'm excited about and love this holiday for so many reasons.

I sit here and I feel very lucky to have found this forum with so many awesome people. I have surgery scheduled for Nov 16th and I'm starting to feel nervous yet so excited about a new begining. 

I'm having moments of reflection and trying to figure out how I allowed my weight  to get so out of control. I was born a preemie. But, there are no signs of that tiny baby anymore.

I hope to hear other peoples' stories and learn, listen and maybe even laugh a little. 

I'm looking forward to the future and all it's possibilities, one day at a time.