Sara T.

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HW: 331

Pre Op: 326

Surgery: 306

CW: 220.2

I have started a blog and vlog you can keep up with me there: 

http://sarashrinksvsg.blogspot.com/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJxUnLfTwkkWA20JTcE-Dog

I received all my surgery information today. Paperwork, paperwork, and more paperwork. Which was to be expected. I have my pre-op diet information, and tell you what it's a much shorter set of info than you would expect. The realness of this is starting to set in. I have to admit I often shy away from things that are hard. I usually combat hard with preparation. If you're prepared enough then it shouldn't be hard right? Well believe me I don't have any illusions that perpetration is going to make this process not hard. And don't think that that knowledge doesn't frighten me.

To tell the truth I'm in the mental space where I'm less afraid of the surgery and recovery than I am of the pre-op diet. But I know that it's a chance to prepare my body as best I can for the surgery and prove my commitment to both myself, my family, and my medical team. Everything about doing this pre-op and post-op diet has me emotionally frightened. I feel like I'm a bout to rip my blankie out of my child like psyche. Which I why I'm going to start looking for a counselor to help me manage all this emotional upheaval. I know I'm at the beginning of this process but I do recommend to anyone combating eating issues or thinking of a going through a big life change of any kind, a good therapist is with their weight in gold. 

Well the date has been set. I've talked to my pcp and she's totally on board with handling my after care, and all I have left to do is send the deposit. That one last step that says I'm committed to this. I started keeping a journal to keep a record of my decision process and progress moving forward. As I sit thinking about my completely open and much brighter future, I know I hesitated to send the deposit to hold my surgery date today. I know I've done all the research. My pcp even said she felt very comfortable because I've done so much research. I feel determined and I don't feel that fading. In the past I've been prone to buts of motivation. I get it together I get going and a few months later I'm done being motivated. But this year was different I made a promise to myself to be more active and not worry about the weight, I assumed the weight would follow. It did...six months of building up to a 1500 meter swim 6 days a week and I put on 8 lbs. What? And yeah I know muscle weighs more than fat. Well that's all fine and dandy but tell it to my back and knees. I know this is a good and, as my pcp put it, reasonable option for me and I know I want to do it. So why am I so freaked out? Why am I holding myself back from change? Never been a fan of change. Or the unknown. I like it when I know where something is headed. And I don't know where this is going to head in the end. Down of course. But what else?

Well...I have my surgery date set aside. October 7th, 2014. I don't know which I'm more of or equal parts of: excited or terrified. 

I've been obese all my life. The lowest weight I can even remember is 220lbs. I remember wearing a size 16 when I was 12....12! I don't know what it's like to not be plus size/curvy/bbw/obese. I have no idea how to be any other way, and I was a varsity athlete when I was in high school. I was a swimmer. We practiced every day for two hours a day. And the whole time I competed I was 280lbs. I remember getting done with my sprint butterfly races, there was always some mom in the crowd who would yeall at her daughter at the end, "That fat girl almost beat you." So yeah I kept up even with my weight. I did realize until the end of 10years of college ( I have two degrees a BA and MFA) that it holds me back. It keeps me from participating in things. It prevents me from walking with my family. It prevents me from long tail rides in the mountains on my horse (I'm actually too heavy for him and it makes him sore so we don't do long rides). It prevents me from not being sore when I do do thing. I walked a 5K this summer. It took me and hour and fifteen minutes. I'm proud I did it. I did something new just because I wanted to try, even though I knew I could fail. I've let the idea of failure paralyze me all my life. I don't know I can do it so I don't do it and I don't fail. But that's a lifetime of doing nothing. Trying nothing. Going nowhere. And I don't want to become a permanent lump on the sofa. 

I've got it all set up. I've talked to patient coordinator. I'm letting my PCP know what I'm thinking tomorrow. All I have left to do is say yes and set the surgery date and start my pre-op. So why haven't I sent the email? Why do I stare at it with fear? I keep trying to tell my mind just stop thinking about it for a few hours and then come back and do what you feel. But, something inside me keeps saying don't stop thinking about it, do it now. You need this now. Don't pass it up. Still, here I sit...scared. I've done the research. I don't think it's unsafe. I feel at ease with the people I've been in contact with. It feels like it felt with my tattoo. I always wanted one but the permanence frightened me, but once I did it I love my tattoo. This is permanent...just like I want my weight loss to be...so why I'm I so scared to just go through with it?