Trying To Take the Plunge

Aug 12, 2014

I've been obese all my life. The lowest weight I can even remember is 220lbs. I remember wearing a size 16 when I was 12....12! I don't know what it's like to not be plus size/curvy/bbw/obese. I have no idea how to be any other way, and I was a varsity athlete when I was in high school. I was a swimmer. We practiced every day for two hours a day. And the whole time I competed I was 280lbs. I remember getting done with my sprint butterfly races, there was always some mom in the crowd who would yeall at her daughter at the end, "That fat girl almost beat you." So yeah I kept up even with my weight. I did realize until the end of 10years of college ( I have two degrees a BA and MFA) that it holds me back. It keeps me from participating in things. It prevents me from walking with my family. It prevents me from long tail rides in the mountains on my horse (I'm actually too heavy for him and it makes him sore so we don't do long rides). It prevents me from not being sore when I do do thing. I walked a 5K this summer. It took me and hour and fifteen minutes. I'm proud I did it. I did something new just because I wanted to try, even though I knew I could fail. I've let the idea of failure paralyze me all my life. I don't know I can do it so I don't do it and I don't fail. But that's a lifetime of doing nothing. Trying nothing. Going nowhere. And I don't want to become a permanent lump on the sofa. 

I've got it all set up. I've talked to patient coordinator. I'm letting my PCP know what I'm thinking tomorrow. All I have left to do is say yes and set the surgery date and start my pre-op. So why haven't I sent the email? Why do I stare at it with fear? I keep trying to tell my mind just stop thinking about it for a few hours and then come back and do what you feel. But, something inside me keeps saying don't stop thinking about it, do it now. You need this now. Don't pass it up. Still, here I sit...scared. I've done the research. I don't think it's unsafe. I feel at ease with the people I've been in contact with. It feels like it felt with my tattoo. I always wanted one but the permanence frightened me, but once I did it I love my tattoo. This is permanent...just like I want my weight loss to be...so why I'm I so scared to just go through with it?

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