Proudtobaloser

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Ok update time....

I am down to 155.7 pounds. I went to 135 when I got real sick for a few months (non wls related). I am in healthy range and though its not the 145 I wanted to be I am fine with it. My hubby and I split and our divorce was final this past October. Broke my heart and I became one of those WLS related "statistics". Yea the divorce one. Its ok though. He and I are still friends. I got involved with someone that I loved to my core and he really broke my heart, chewed me up and spit me out. I am coming to terms that even though you love someone with every fiber of your being, that sometimes it just isn't enough. 

Most of my family no longer speaks to me due to me having got the surgery and that is their choice not mine. I did this for me and their acceptance is something I really do not need. 

I am in a size 6 to 8 now and I still look at my clothes like I can not believe it. I still do that when I look in the mirror too. 

I am going to be honest though.... I did have several months where I did a switch addiction and started drinking again. It went from bad to worse and I ended up putting myself into rehab because it got so bad. I was abandoning myself and not caring who or what I hurt just for that next drink. THAT was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Admit I had that issue then go ask for help. I am a person with a buttload of pride and well needless to say I knocked myself off that pedestal I put myself up on. I am still fighting that nasty little monster everyday and probably will be for the rest of my life. But I am taking it one MINUTE at a time. 

I'm basically alone now except for my lil pup Bear. I am fine though. I may not be as silly and as outgoing as I used to be but I will get there again. Time and effort are on my side I hope. It's been a good day so far and I am going to make the best of it. Hopefully meeting up with an old friend I haven't seen in years and just going somewhere and chillin out. I need a break from my own thoughts for a bit because I dwell too much these days. 

I hope everyone is doing well and for those that are looking into any type of WLS surgery.... do NOT assume that what I have been through will happen to you. Its just how things rolled with me. I wish you all the luck and am sending warm thoughts your way.

Ok all I am sorry but I have been extremely busy. I hit a stall big time between January and this month only lost 6 pounds BUT that is fine. I am not sweating it as much as I thought I would. My hair has finally slowed down in thinning out and for that I am so happy. I only have 38 pounds to get to goal and if someone had told me a year ago I would be fitting in size 10/12s I would have laughed at them. I actually cried when I got into a medium top and said WOW then burst into tears. I have not been this size since 9th grade and that was several years ago. 9th grade is where I blew up and got big. I say I wish my parents could see me now but I know that they do.
My hubby is thrilled. He took me shopping this past Saturday but got irritated with me that I kept heading for the plus sizes. He kept telling me to get out of there. He finally got tired of saying it and took me to a store that doesnt go above 12s. LOL I got some new shirts, jeans, dresses, bras, and a few pieces of jewelry. It was so weird though. I felt like i was still a large girl and was in the mind set I wouldnt find anything in the last two stores we went into but I found quite a few things. Weirdest part was getting measured for new bras. I kept telling the girl i knew what my size was (originally it was a ddd or low E cup) and when she measured me it was 36d. UH say WHAT? that is a drop. LOL.
I know I do not have the head hunger beat and may never have it beat BUT I have made the choice to do this and I am sticking to it. When I get a craving I suck on ice. Ice has become my friend, my very best friend. I am not struggling with protein or liquid intake now. After they took care of stricture number TWO I was able to do what I had to do. I am still doing a protein drink ro two a day IF I havent gotten my amount in that is my normal, but i figure that is a good thing. I am very consciencious of what I am putting in my body these days and I can tell the different. My energy levels are through the roof and I am actually doing things for me.

LOL finding it funny when people assume stuff. I got asked yesterday if I was on crack. Yup I sit on one everyday. But seriously someone I aint seen in forever asked if I was smoking crack. I guess they forgot the stuff I had been posting on FB before my surgery. But it is ok, I took it in stride and explained to her I had done the surgery. To which she responded that it was the easy way out. THAT made me walk away. I get tired of explaining things and when I got back home she had called and asked why I got offended. I told her to do a bit of research before saying things like that. Guess that was not what she wanted to hear because PRE-surgery I was always taking the blame for things with her even when it was not my fault. Tried to call her this morning and got the message my number was not able to go through. LOL she blocked me. HAHAHA guess truth does hurt people, but in that case I am not sweating it because some people need to be told the truth.

I worked yesterday for 4.5 hours and when I got home my whole body was screaming for tylenol. But it was great to get back out there and do what I needed to do. Nothing today which was disappointing but ehh take it in stride I say.

In the next few weeks it will be baking season. OH boy. I am going to be testing myself to the max with all the goodies coming out of the oven. But in all honesty I know I can do it. Baked goods are one of my downfalls and something I need to overcome to succeed at this whole weight loss lifestyle I have gotten into. I am still not doing much exercising but working my way back up to where I was preop. I will get there, just going to take it slow. Not planning on busting my tail then ending back up in the hospital anytime soon. I am still dropping, it has slowed a teensy bit but still, dropping nonetheless. I am happy with that. I have started getting pizza but slucing off the toppings and eating those and putting the crust back in the box (my neighbors dog LOVES us!!!!). I LOVE V8 now, never liked it much before but it is helping me get my liquid AND protein quotas in. Protein in V8 you may ask. Yup unflavored protein mixed in with the V8 in yummy.  The DH is constantly saying I am gunna turn into a tomato, fine by me. Better than turning into some of the junk I used to eat.

Well it is off to do cleaning around here. I slacked off for a bit and my house looks like a tornado went through it.

Ok based on my title I am getting tired of hearing this already, I am far from skinny YET. I dislike that word with a purple passion. LOL!! But I am taking it is stride. I know the compliments will stop. And what is up with the word NOW? Example? You are looking great now, you have such amazing shape NOW, your skin is so clear NOW. Come on, I sure was not a slob before, but I am saying thanks when someone says something.

I was getting ready for bed last night and happened to walk by the mirror and glanced over and OH MY GOD, I have a waist. LOL where did that come from? I have a waist and I can see some of my collarbone. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK. That is where the NOW word is coming into play. Because I used it on myself. LOL!!!!

Poor Joe said he is gunna have to put me under lock and key (he is joking of course!!!!). So yea this stuff does work but only IF you do your part. I still have to get back out to walking more but I have to get my levels back up to where they should be. Becoming dehydrated TWICE put things in perspective as to where my priorities are.

I planned on being back to work at the beginning of this month but that didn't happen because I screwed up on my work profile, so I guess I will be taking that out to the board and discussing it with the coordinator about what and how I need to do things AGAIN. Ahhh the joys of subbing at the local schools.

Ok so the DH and I attend Higland Games and such throughout the year. The last time I wore any of my gear was lasT year in July. Well we went to the Highland Games Yesterday (october 1,2011) and I was planning on wearing some of my stuff. Well tried everything on the night before and lo and behold EVERYTHING was HUGE on me. Even my skirts I had ordered a size or two smaller in the waist area. HAHA joke was on me because I went from a 28 to an 18 in a month. I cried because I knew that it was gunna be jeans, t-shirt and a sweater. Thing is my jeans are now too big so thinking it is time for a thrift store run.
But get this, most everyone we saw yesterday had to either ask who I was or ask Joe (that is my DH) if him and I had split and who his new GF was. I cracked up laughing at all of it. Yes I was uncomfortable with all the attention BUT Joe told me he was so porud I handled it that way I did because here lately the least little thing makes me tear up or burst out into tears. Hence why tomorrow I have to ask the doc for a mood stabilizer.
My mother in law is going in for surgery tomorrow to remove cancer from her lungs. Joe is scared but as his mom said on Firday, this is not her first rodeo. We are praying hard this time because they are taking a bigger chunk. So please if you read this, can you all please pray for her and the family. She is the backbone and the strongest person they have in their lives, and heavens know if something were to happen this family would fall clean apart.

Dear easily hurt people;

I will NEVER apologize for being blunt and honest with you, nor will I ever have regreats because YOU chose to let your feeling override your ass. I am done with coddling and saying everything will be okay when in some cases it will not. Pull up your panties and get with it. This is life not some storybook you feel it is. Reality has been so skewed for you that you think everyone out there is going to be nice to you. Far from it I am afraid. If you do not want my bluntness and honesty then do not put your stuff out there for me to be blunt or honest about. Instead of whining and bitching about how bad your life is, get off your butt and do something about it. Not my fault YOU chose to let things go that far.
Have a great day.
Love,
Me

I am such a bad person, well at least according to others.
I was ASKED yesterday by a family over the phone if I htought something was healthy or not. The item in question was something loaded with sugar and had NO nutritional value watsoever. I told them what I thought and I got an earful. Now I am such a bad person. They have basically decided that I am judgemental about their eating habits. Well far from it actually. They asked a question and I gave my OPINION. That was it. Now there is a war on FB about this whole stupid mess. I have taken the crapstirrer off my list and blocked them. SO not in the mood.

I walked roughly 4 miles today and it felt so good. I just started and didn't want to stop until I realized I had forgotten my water bottle and was sweating like a piggy at a BBQ (EWWWWW). So I turned around and came back home where the hubby looked at his watch and said, "Wow you were gone for quite awhile, did you enjoy your walk?" Sure did. He has been so supportive. Yesterday when I wanted to yank the blankets back over my head he made it very clear he was not going to let me do that. MADE ME go for my walk. LOL. I am so wanting to get back to work but that may come a little later than planned. I took a fall today and landed flat on my stomach. I am going to wait until tomorrow to see how I am feeling. I have not noticed anything out of whack. I was able to eat my lunch and have been drinking liquids ok and no problem on the lower regions and their functions. Just feel a bit bruised on my right side. I will let you all know if anything comes of it.

Ok I so thought several people out there in WLS land were such liars- I truely did. Saying that the inches would lfop off. Yea right- I thought. Well *gulp* I am so sorry for doubting you. LOL!!!!! Only things I have that fit now are my elastic wasitband pants. My jeans are too big and my scrubs- well let us not go there.

Ok update on the sister thing. We are no longer talking or texting. I just plain had it with her lying to me. I guess the old adage of we can only take so much before we snap holds true. Because I snapped. I am done with it all.

Protein shakes scare me. I drink one and like 20 minutes later it is off to the bathroom to go poopy. Yes I said POOPY.
My walks are fabulous. I aint had a smoke in excatly FIVE months today. Do I miss them, not really. I foudn this new thing called WALKING..... lol

Yea so I am supposed to walk... right? How about at a snail's pace? LOL. I try to go faster and I feel like my insides are getting ripped apart. Finally got over to the vitamin shop and got my calcium citrate. Will be going over there in a few days and picking up more stuff. Ready for the pain to be over. I was looking at my battle wounds today and thought "Oh great 7 more scars." lol gunna have a total of 12 on my stomach now. LOL Hey maybe I can draw a star map or someting. LOL

I didn't post anything about this the past few days because wel I have been so very embarrassed. Embarrassed that I left myself get sucked in AGAIN and embarrassed that I lied to myself AGAIN. This is a vicious cycle I am hoping ends. I know the only way it will is for me to end it myself so I am gunna hunker down and end it.

This is how it goes:

August 20th: Two days before my surgery. My oldest sister and her hubby (yes this is the same sister who got gastric and arterial confused. Also the same sister who "refused to talk to me if I went ahead with this surgery, but later relented." were sitting out back of our house on the deck and told me she could not do something so final to herself. I should just pay better attention to what I was doing. Ok I heard you not only the first time you said it but I heard it this time too (the 50th). I gave her the stare and went about my buisness.

August 21st: The sister and her hubby inform me that they will be leaving a few days after my surgery because they are moving to Washington State. Yea right *rolls eyes*. She has been talking to one of my brothers who molested me as a child and she called me a liar when I told her. I confronted her and her hubby seperately and told them I knew they were both lying and that they needed to come clean. Story changed to "Oh we are going to go see him for a few days THEN go to Washington State." Ok no problem, I do not care who you talk to really, just do not lie to me and think ANY type of lying is ok.

August 22nd: DAY OF SURGERY- We are all up at 4AM. They with their coffee and me with my cup of *AIR*- ok back up AIR? yup air. I was walking around with an empty cup goimg through the montions of drinking some coffee. So hubby gets home from work, changes clothes and we are on our way to the hospital. We are all waiting in the waiting room and the sister and her hubby both tell me and my DH that they are gunna go back to the house as soon as they know I am doing well because they want to get some sleep. Ok that is fine, but Joe will be calling you sometime in the afternoon. I get called back and everything goes great until........ BADDA BADDDA BOOM!!!!! I get rolled up to my room where they get me onto my be and hooked up to all my crazy amchine thingies. Joe comes in and hands me my cell phone- YUP I stone dialed people and even stone texted people LMAO. I noticed there was a message. It was from my sister.
this is the exact message," Bonnie, I am sorry but I can not take any of this. We are packing up and leaving as I leave you this message. Hope you do not get too upset and hope you look on your phone sometime tomorrow and not today. Bye"

Ok sorry for what? Can't take any of what exactly? Uh upset ain't the word for it. And sure let us fast forward to tomorrow and hope that you are FUCKING kidding me.
I called her up and after two times of getting her stupid VM she finally calls me back and says the surgery was depressing her and that she had to leave because she could not stand to watch me make the biggest mistake of my life. Uh excuse me- this was MY choice and as for it being my biggest mistake...... hardly. I also was nice enough to point out a few of her very huge mistakes. LOL offended she was, cuz she hung up on me. So far all I have gotten from her was- got any good painkillers and are you still sore.


So yea I had a pretty few stressful days. On the plus side though. I am sleeping over in the bedroom where her and her hubby were. Dh is afraid he is gunna roll over and slam his arm on me or something.