Has it been threee months?

Aug 30, 2012

Well I have not checked in for a while. My three month surgurversary has come and gone. I have been sick for about 2 weeks (not related to WLS) and feeling like sh?&. I am just starting to feel better and like I can exercise again. I was really pissed because just as I was getting into the exercise groove I got sick. I did not want to push myself so I decided to feel better first. This week has been particularly hard for me food/temptation wise. I have a neighbor who brings over a stack of Costco bakery items weekly (she participates in a food bank program and I think they are for my oldest son who is a 21 YO with a 2 YO son and has no money). The thought is nice but having that in the house freaks me out. I feel grumpy, tempted, and angry-like a straight up drug addict.
 
Well my youngest son asked for a danish and I kindly offered to serve it to him.....I just wanted to touch and smell the pastry. I made it with a finger lick, but then when I was alone in slipped a cherry danish, uhg. Guilt. Immediate. The entire danish container in the garbage (and no one in the house ever noticed) I went to bed a little sick in a couple of ways.

Woke up and on to a new day. This day started out good. Food planned and packed. then it started to go downhill. It started with an email from the BBB (from a lying friend of a friend who is psycho and wasting my time) then a visit from the state L&I inspector, then a pile of BS mail I didn't want to deal with, then a letter of rent increase from the landlord, dear god I want to quit my job now! but I own the place. I can't. Bummer. At the end of the day my husband's PBJ sandwich was sitting there and all of a sudden 1/2 was in my tummy. Wow. OK enough is enough. I have choices here. Eating for stress never solved my problems before, it still won't.
 
Ah continue the day. I had a hair appointment, nice. Relaxing. A great haircut. My stylist didn't even notice all my hair is falling out, love you Daphne. I was done with enough time to walk the dog and still have time alone before the boys got home. I went home, changed, let the dog out, went to grab the leash.....gone. The leash is not there, pissed. I'm never getting the dog back in the house, more pissed. OK I'm solving problems here. Put the dog in the car, go buy a leash. Walk. OK. In the car headed to the dog store, then the trail. In-out, leash and treats in hand. Driving to the trail, half way I glance back. OMG! The dog just took an enormous piss in my car, holy crap. I want to scream. Mother of god. it smells so bad I'm gagging. Someone does not want me to walk today. I want to eat an entire bag of Cheetos.

Go home. Drop off dog. Smile and realize I cannot change what has happened. Head to carwash. Clean carpet. Roll down windows. Park car back at home. I am determined to exercise. I am so stressed and food does not cure any of it or take it away.  It is dark and a walk is not happening. The trampoline. OK I am actually well under the weight limit now. OK. Down to the back yard I go. Hop on and jump my cares away. It worked. I'm having fun. I feel great. I'm actually getting air under my feet. I'm smiling. After 20 minutes I'm sweaty, out of breathe and cured of stress. I lay down on the trampoline and a bunch of bats are flying by overhead. I love bats and this is a treat.
 
I head back in the house. Eat dinner on plan (Yummy ricotta bake). Read and relax alone and all is well. I am beginning to really realize stress eating makes me feel bad, really, in so many ways. When I am in control of my habits I feel so much better. Eating junk food does not solve any problem. I am recognizing really paying attention to what got me to 300 Lbs. It is self destruction at its best. If I can't destroy the problem, I'll destroy myself. Pure stupidity. I am a smart woman, how have I been OK with this thinking? Ignorance is bliss I always say. In this case ignoring my feelings and inability to control the situation leads to eating euphoria/bliss, If I let it. The trick is to recognize, react, and refrain. There is a better, longer lasting solution. It will pass and I may or may not be able to solve it. Either way I'll be on the other side. Weight loss surgery is so much bigger than eating, It is a life changing brain game, the hardest game of Trivial Pursuit you will ever play. Hopefully in the end the eating and exercise habits will form. The head and emotional healing will be on the downward slope and life will continue with learning and growing, forever. Only smaller and more equipped.    

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