Dayana E. S.
December 27, 2005 It's funny to read my profile from so many months ago....So much has happened to surprise me and everyone I know....The kids spent most of their summer off with family...giving me time to "date"...Man, it was ridiculous...men say they want to be noticed and when they are noticed they are so shocked that they ruin what could be nice, then when I mentioned I had kids, forget about it....they'd almost pout like brats...I hated it...I did date one guy who spoiled me rotten and gave me expensive things and took me to the nicest restarants....then when I said I couldnt go out with him cause I was busy with my kids he got upset, then when he saw me, he was so angry that he hit me!!!! Coming from a large Italian and Haitian family, IT WAS ON...But then I realized in my most down and depressed and time of need, it wasnt family that stood by me but instead my husband....The man who in my eyes was down right mean....and yet NEVER laid a hand on me. He literally picked me up and gave me life...While the kids were away, we had a chance to REALLY talk about our 16 yrs together and what might have gone wrong....there was plenty. We neglected each other, we never talked, unless it was to argue, we stopped touching each other, kissing and didnt valvue the other as a human. Sooo with all the years of counseling we've had, nothing hit us hard til we were apart. Only then did we start to appriciate each other and get to know each other all over again. We now do more together and with our kids, then before. We do more as a couple and a family. We talk, hug and kiss. It's like it was when we were first dating... This surgery tought me to take my time and enjoy the foods I eat, I now carry that idea into my marriage and I take my time and treasure the man I married 13 1/2 years ago, and after being away from me for almost 5 months, he too loves and appreciates me and our kids....So many of us lose all this weight and get a new lease on life for ourselves, not stopping to think about those around us and before we know it, the ones we love and love us most are fading, (Like our weight). I hope that others read and learn from my story...It's been one heck of a roller coaster ride, but I dont have any regrets, because I never stopped loving my husband, and I know now that we were definatley meant to be together. Through THICK and thin. :-) HAVE A HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE...I will. July 18, 2005 Wow! Over 1 year since my update... and almost 4 years since my surgery. Let me tell you all a few things, that I wish I knew from the very beginging, first off, I had Gastric Bypass surgery on July 21, 2001. Went from 298 lbs., to 130 lbs. I researched the surgery for over 4 years before actually having it done. I meet many people, I talk to many people, I went to every group I could find. Everyone was gong ho, everyone seemed happy, everyone looked better then before. I saw what I wanted to see. The people who I should've been speaking to were not around. The people I needed to speak to were the poeple who had been married for many years, with kids, very low self esteem, no friends, no close family, no educational background and no real job. I fit all of those and more. I got married at 19 years old, to my high school sweetheart, who my mother convinced me that if I didnt marry him, no man would want me at my size, I was 160lbs. Six months after getting married, my loving husband decided I was not good enough for him. I was too short, My body was too plump in too many areas, I smothered him, I loved him too him, I did too much for him. Some years later, he told me, my little sister was perfect for him. She was taller, very slim, small everything. But by then, I had dropped out of three different schools, no job, new baby boy, very low self esteem, and no goals except to earn the love of the man I married. But a few months later, I learned I was pregnant again. That was in 1997, That's also when I learned there was a surgery that would/ could bring me down from my 260 lb weight to maybe my original 160 lb body. I read, I researched, I wrote to everyone, I got all the information. I knew my life was going to improve for the better. Mentally, nothing was holding me back, while pregnant with our 2nd child, I started working. After she was born, I continued to work and went to school to become a welder. Then tragedy struck. My husband HATED that I was getting into a man's field and doing something he could not do. He wished me bad on a daily basis, told me I'll soon learn that welding is NOT for women, then one day, my hand was pulled into a metal roller and severly crushed. I lost one finger completely, and lost use of another. One finger was reconstructed but I have no feelings. He blamed me of course and told me I did it to myself so I can take care of myself. Our son was 2 and our daughter 1. My little brother dropped out of High school and became my care taker, cook, housekeeper and mommy (in a sense) to my kids. My husband refused to do anything other then pay the bills. As far as he was concerned, I deserved what I got. To this day, I am so gratful to my little brother and thank GOD he was here for me. He eventually got his GED and is now living in Orlando. He is an Asst. Store Manager and has just had a baby of his own. He says, my tragedy and my husbands reaction to it made him the man he is today. :-) I had three more surgeries on my hand and 2 yrs of therapy. Eventually, I was well enough to go back to work and move forward, I started looking into the surgery again. Again, my husband told me, dont do it. He said, If I did it, I'd regret it. I had my surgery on July 21 2001. On Aug 18th I went in for a twisted intestine. During what was a normal procedur, my pouch ruptured, I was rushed into emergency surgery. I DIED. By law, If you die on the table, the Dr. must try to resesitate you. My wonderful and amazing Dr. did just that. WOW! I woke up a day later, hooked up to machines and tons of tubes going down into my throat. I went crazy and tried to pull them out, they were so painful and uncomfortable. I was drugged back to sleep, and remember some boxing glove things being put on my hands and my hands being tied down. When I finally woke up again. My husband was right there by my side, looking like he had not slept much and reminding me, that he told me NOT to have the surgery. At that point, I was determined to get better, be better and finally move forward in my life. Forget that whole, making the marriage work for the kids, forget the whole, in it for the long haul, forget Til death do us part. It was all about me finally accepting me, living for me to ensure my children lived happily. Please dont judge me harshly. We tried getting counseled. We did group counseling, individual counseling, marriage counseling. But that gung ho, lets make it work, he will love me motivation was gone. NO ONE prepared me that my husband would see me differently with weight loss and fall in love with me. No one told me he might want to touch me again, no one told me, I might become his everything. By the time I went down to 120 lbs. I felt all he was doing, was too little, too late. In March of this year (2005), after 12 1/2 yrs of marriage. I put him on child support and told him, it was OVER. I still love him, but after years of being put down, cast aside, dismissed, diminished, disrespected, humiliated, ridiculed, and let down. I could not see myself reaching 13 years with him, only to always wonder, is it me he loves? or the new body? One thing I do remember is that many people get divorced after this....No one ever exposes why. No one ever discussed the how it got to that point. In all honesty, my pain and selfishness is keeping me from reconciling with my husband. We are in the final stages of divorce. Soon that chapter will all be over. A new one will begin. In August I will return to school and get as close to becoming the Attorney I've always wanted to be by getting my degree in Paralegal. My children are both doing great in school again. I'm finally able to save some money. Im fixing up my house. I bought a small 2nd car for myself. Im fixing it up for everyday use. Im on a tight income. But Im living for me. Im doing for me and my babies. I will suceed. I will thrive. I will grow. I had 12 years of stepping stones to walk on to get to this point. Do I regret my surgery? No. I can breathe again. I can walk, move, run, skip, jump and best of all, Play with my babies. Do I regret my marriage. Sometimes, but all in all, NO. In my marriage, I learned some very important lessons. In the end of this, One must realize, You maybe the Obese one suffering daily with your weight, but as a partner in marriage, you're both suffering with the weight and you both must learn about The gastric bypass together and move forward with the whole process together. From begining til forever. Get counseling together, in the end, if you're married, it's for the couple, "together". Jan. 23, 2004 I have finally updated my picture.....I still can't get over the difference. It has been 2 yrs now, almost 3. I am truly so happy and thankful that I was able to have this surgery and make a success of it. I've run into so many people who have it and within the 2 yrs they start to gain some weight. I have gained and lost the same 9 lbs for a yr now. I fugure that the water weight cause it's there before my period and gone after. I'm doing good, all in all. I can eat almost anything. I still can't handle chicken, or salads, but everything else seems to be OK as long as I keep it in moderation. Going for some lab work on Monday. I'll see how all is. Jan. 11, 2004 Another year.....I would've written sooner except for the fact that my daughter had this fever that was not going away. She had strep throat and after the penecillian shot, she developed hepaginia.....Don't ask, I never heard of it myself. Anyway, I am happy at my new job. I work in an office where I'm in charge.....well, the ower is in charge but other then him, I answer to no one, I handle almost everything in the office. It's great. I started seeing a Lic. Mental Health Counsler. I went to 1 visit and so far I think it'll be OK. We'll see. After realizing the abuse I took from my husband for so long....I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully love a man again. Who knows. Right now I am really thinking about leaving and moving to NY.....my family is all there so I'll have the support I need right now. No sense staying a house with someone I really feel nothing for but anger, hurt, pain, pitty, and pain towards. Lately his vulgarity with the kids and myself has gotten consistant and He was going for a promotion at work where he was told that he was gaurenteed the position and then 3 people who are way under qualified.....One guy he trained. Made the 2nd round interview and he didn't. I can understand his anger about it but then he turns around and tells me it's my fault for not really help him "prep" for the interview.....I DO NOT need this $hit in my life right now, or ever. Relationship are so damn hard. I pat myself on the back though for lasting over 15 years when I could've and should've walked away. Thanks to mom's old fashioned values and the good old Catholic faith I faught hard and long to be the perfect wife but the fight is all out of me now. Losing weight did alot more then just shrink my size..... Dec. 18, 2003 I don't realize how long I don't write anything til someone e-mails me a "what's going on" letter. hehehe. Since, the last time, I quit my job at the Casino. I loved it so very much, but one of the Seminole Indian felt that since I worked there and his family were tribal leaders that I should do what he wanted me to. Once I rejected him, I got subtle threats and no longer felt safe so I had to leave. (Yes, he's the same one who said I, sexually harrassed him). Financially, it really hurt. I had a hard time finding another job cause my former Supervisor, who I liked so much, was telling prospective employers I was undependale. Talk about Slander.....Of course no one wanted to get involved in helping me file a slander suit. So I stopped using her name, and used the name of a WONDERFUL, Manager that was above her. I got offers left and right after that. I finally settled for a P/T office manager position. Doing something I enjoy, and getting paid well. The hubby and I are still together. I am tring so hard. I'm actually waiting for Jan. to come so my new Ins. can kick in and I can see a shrink. He's held me back for so long that I don't want to stay with him and risk being held back again when the time comes. I went from an honor student who was popular and destined to be someone and something to just an undereducated, wife and mother of 2. I don't regret my kids, but I do regret not doing what I wanted with my education because he felt threatend or just didn't like that I was in school. If before my surgery someone said your eyes will open up to misery, I don't think I would have understood. But that's truley what happened once the weight came off. I realized how miserable I was for so many years. I realized that I let people use me and walk all over me because that's all the attention I got from people. The only people who really wanted to be my friend were pretty, thin women who probably felt like Goddesses, next to my happy Hippo self. Of course those "friends" are not around anymore. Even my little sister who was always thin and got all the attention stopped talking to me. It sounds concited but I was the fat beauty, she was the thin pretty one. OK, I'm babbaling. I'll write again. In the mean time, FOR ALL YOU PRE-OP'S, Do this surgery for you and your health, Not for a loved one. And discuss it with your spouse in more ways then just, I could die......Discuss what you think will change, what you hope will change and what you know will change. Because believe me.......More then just your body changes. Oh, I saw the Plastic surgeon & he says there isn't enough loose skin the remove as medically nessasary. DAMN! Oct. 1, 2003 Life is pretty much the same for me in alot of ways......I still feel like I don't want to be married any more. Hubby is tring really really hard to make me happy but right now he just can't. I love him as my best friend but as a husband.....he's hurt me so much that I don't want to give him a chance right now. I have given up on 11 yrs of marriage because if feel it's all too little too late. It took him 10 years to finally say I love you to me and mean it. 10 yrs to acknowledge me as his wife, 10 yrs to say you can do what makes you happy, 10 yrs to say I want you to be happy.........I now have the perfect husband, and I don't want him because for so many yrs I lived for him and now I feel it's time to live for ME.......Am I wrong? We have 2 kids together....a 7 yr old boy and 6 yr old girl.........I don't want them to lose daddy, but right now mommy is so sad with daddy. Nothing he does is appreciated by me cause I know the only reason he's doing it cause I've lost all this weight and now look like "arm candy" to him. I finally meet his work partner of over 2 yrs.......Even he questioned why my husband never "allowed" me to come to the job. Now he literally begs me to visit him at work. I don't know.......I'll see what happens. As for my job......There are 2 spanish girls that are super jealous of me so one of them got her ex-boyfriends cousin who is a Seminole Indian, (I work for the Seminole's at their casino), to say that he feels I sexually harrassed him by saying to him........."I like your shirt, It's different". I have been in shock and have gone through so many emotions since Tues. cause never in my life would I think I'd be charged with something so serious and for such petty words at that. All I can say is WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND.......they will get theirs 10 folds......and one of them just had a baby too, my grandfather always said, "you never want to hurt someone intentionally when you have kids because it will come back on them". Both of these girls hate that so many guys try to get in my pants........It's a shame what I have to go through at my job.......I honestly don't even think I'm pretty, and I still see myself as a big girl sometimes......Why can't people just be happy for other people? I saw a surgeon, so far I seem to be doing fine, I have to do blood work, and I have a consult w/ a plastic surgeon for a tummy tuck......hopefully the INS will cover it......my Dr thinks it won't cause I have very little lose skin......Damn all those hrs of working out.......Now my tummy may never be flat and w/o stretch marks......Oh well....I'll see. Anyway, I had to change my first name to Jolie because my "wonderful" little sister has "stolen" my identity.........I want to change the last name too but I want to match my kids.......OK, I've said enough for now......will update again soon. Thanks to everyone for the emails. July 29, 2003 Tonight I found out that a friend of mine who had the surgery hoping it would keep her husband faithful and make him stay with her has commited Suicide. He left her about 6 weeks ago and Tuesday night he picked up the kids (ages 13 & 2) to spend some time with them til the weekend and she shot and killed herself around 11 p.m. I can't believe it. There is so much she could have done for herself. God knows there have been times that my husband has upset me so much that I thought maybe if I were dead.........But God knew what he was doing when he gave me kids cause those two have kept me going. Especially through this change my husband has been going through. He himself has said that he would've killed himself had we had a gun in this house. I love him and want to be with him but I can't stand the fact that he now "cares" about me and anything I do. I know, most women want that from a man. At one point I wanted it too from him, but he pushed me away so much for so long that I really can't accept the way he treats me now. He says he loves me but it feels more like a desparate plea to hold on to me for fear of being alone then it does love. I'm feeling emotional tonight. I can't believe this woman went and killed herself over a cheating bastard and selfishly left 2 kids behind. As much as I know what pain she was going through, it angers me that she did this. When I felt suicidal, I called for help and I got it. Help is out there and available. We only need to ask. Life is too short as it is, and NO ONE, is worth your own life. No "love", is THAT GREAT. July 23, 2003 Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, so much to everyone who has written to me over the past few months. I honestly forgot it was my Rb-Birthday until I got my Happy Anniversary and Happy Birthday e-mails............ Boy, where do I start?????? I guess I should mention I'm still married. It's still a daily struggle. He is really really tring to be a better husband to me but I just can't seem to let go of the way he treated me when I was heavy. I honestly can't believe it's been 2 years for me already. At this point I flunctuate between 124 & 134. I stabalized at 130 for about 8 months then dropped to 124 and now I'm at 132 (today), who knows where I'll be next week. It also depends on my activity level. Latley all I've wanted to do is sleep. I think that comes more from depression then anything though. As for work........Sadly,------------- I LOVE IT!!!!! Who would've thought that I would find a job that I look forward to going to. On my days off I have to stop myself from going there because I like the place so much. Everyone I work with is Great!, There is only ONE person there that has tried to make me look bad but so far, all's been good. Amazingly, there are quite a few folks at my job that has had the surgery as well. It's great. Everyone who I've told about my surgery has been so great and supportive. Not one person has been degrading or uncaring. As for the my kids....They are doing great. Both can't wait for school to start and in the mean time spend their time on the computer to make sure they don't get "stupid" as they say.......Who would've thought a 6 & 7 yr old would be concerned about being behind in school. As a kid I remember having fun over the summer, NOT wanting to learn to make sure I stayed ahead. Well, they both did say they're going to be Doctor's so I'll continue to support them in their quest for knowledge. Now as for me personally........I'm happy at work, I'm happy with my kids, I have moments of happiness with my husband when the past doesn't come up and slap me on the face, and I still hav'nt had any plastic surgery. I'd love to have my boobs either lifted or filled (implants). They just droop on me and in a bra, they just "sit" there, No shape, no form, they're just loose skin hanging. My padded, push up bras do miraculously at making them look good. My inner thighs, are getting better, though the excess skin is still there. My stomach, looks flat when I'm clothed, then I get naked and again, the skin just hangs there. My husband fears, I'll cheat on him now......Honestly, if I had a tight body, I probably would, but who in their right mind would want to expose loads of loose skin to a probable long term booty call?????? Heck, the guy will take one look and shrink right back into his clothes. OK, so I still have a self esteem issue to deal with. I am planning on seeing a Psychologist. I just need to find my INS. book to look one up. Well, I'm sure I wrote nore then some of you have cared to read, hehehe. I'll try to write again a little sooner next time I update. February 25, 2003 Thank you so very much for all the words of encouragement. I swear I am really tring hard to not get a divorce. It's been 15 years for us as a couple and 10 years of marriage. Some close friends think I am punishing him for the way he "pushed" me away when I was weighing in @ 298lbs. I swear it's not intentional. It just hurts to know that he wasn't completley loving me then but completly loves me now.....or so he says. There is a man who wanted me so badly when I was heavy and still wants me now, I could have this man if I want and the temptation is great considering the fact that at 298 I was irresistable to him and he's still ga-ga now that I'm down to 130lbs. I could love this man for more reasons then that but I have history with my hubby that I don't really want to give up on so easily. I'm tring but he doesn't make it easy with his accusations. Sometimes I think maybe if I do go out and cheat on him he'll be different. But lord knows, I'm terrified to death of catching something, (hepatitis, syphallis, gonorea), all those great things that I can't spell. I really am tring, he's now calling me concieted because I look at myself in the mirror and am impressed with what I see. I don't know.........I guess I'll write more as I figure it all out. Ironically, before I had my surgery I used to read about people who wrote about their marriages failing and them getting divorces.....I could'nt imagine I'd be amoung those wanting OUT! January 6, 2003 HAPPY (belated) NEW YEAR!!!!!! I'm hoping things get better for me, emotionally and mentally this year. **Before I start my -itch and Moan session,** let me say that I can wear any where from a size 5/6 to a 7/8 but there's a clothing line called Express from a store called Limited and from them I can wear a 1/2. I thought I stabalized at 130, but I'm not 125lbs!!!!! I have so much energy, I can barely stay still anymore. It's wonderful. Now, my -itch session.....Since my mother in law's passing, I feel like I've detached myself from everyone because the hubby makes life almost depressingly, angering now. I don't call anyone cause I don't feel like talking, Not to mention the hubby is usually right there listening then questioning me later, I don't go anywhere cause he questions me upon my return, I don't feel like being anywhere he's going to be. The sad thing is, I want us to separate and see where life leads us without each other, but I worry about how he'll survive. He's never been alone, he went from living at home to married to me. I take care of everything. He does nothing.......I even have to beg him to help out with the kids. It's so frustrating. I want to be happy, but I can't bare to see him sad or alone. And since his mom's passing and him "rejecting his "killer" brother" he says that the kids and I are all he has. I mean he does have another brother, and loads of cousins but he's anti-social. He avoids almost everyone. I'm not sure what to do. On a good note......His brother and his $$ hungry wife have not contacted us since they got their copy of the death certificate for the Insurance $$$. As far as I'm concerned, he (hubby), says he doesn't care about them and that they can go to -ELL, but I know if they were to call him right now and tell him something, he'd listen, and do it cause he's got this respect (or fear) of/for them and lets them get away with everything. I hope I NEVER have to see those HYPOCRITES, again. **Moving on......HELP........I don't want to be married anymore. I actually wish he would meet someone else and tell me he's leaving ME! We are both so misaerable right now. We hardley spend time together. He does his thing and I take care of the house and the kids. I'm looking for a job again. (hehehe). I quit the last one cause something fishy was going on and after some reasearch, I discovered things about the owner that shocked me enough to get me outta there quick.....Well, Physically, Dressed, I look good. Naked, well lets just say, I cringe, (ugh). If someone said, "I'll pay for cosmetic surgery, What do you want.....I'd say, Total body lift....Yes sir ree. Inner thighs, stomach, and definatley the boobs......I went from a 44DD to a 32B. Talk about DROOOOOOOOPing. I'm sure I'll be a prime example for the Plastic surgeon to snap pictures of and post in some medical study of sagging breast. OK.....I've -itched and Moaned. Rejoiced, vented, laughed and am feeling better now. There should be a support group not of life "eating post op, but life in general post-op. Thanks for all who e-mail me too.......You guys don't know how uplifting it is to get an admireing email when you're constantly down. THANK YOU!!!! Nov. 13, 2002 OK, It's only been 35 days this time since my last posting. Let me start by answering the question I get asked the most.......NO, I didn't have lipo on my tummy, it looks flat because of the way I dress, not to mention the fact that I keep it sucked in (hehehe), I found that sucking it in helps it go down faster and increases the tightening process. I was so self conscience about it before my surgery thst it's easy for me to continue to be and hold it in. I'd love to have surgery to make my tummy flat as well as reducing the loose skin on my inner thighs. Those are the only things I wish I could do, but NO $$$$. I'm hoping to win the Lotto.......The way my luck has been going lately who knows. I'm going from 127 to 130 now. I'm eating a bit more carbs, but I still have days when I want nothing at all but water or tea. I noticed right before my time of the month I am starving and can eat almost anything and everything and not feel sick or overly full. Well, at this point I have learned when to stop but still, days before, I feel like I could eat every hour. Anyone feel that way? As for the hubby.......I'm still unhappy. He is tring to change and I'm tring to be accepting of the fact that he's tring but then I can remember all the other times that he changed and went right back to the mean cold hearted unaffectionate man I recklessly married. He says he loves me but I can't really believe it anymore. I think he's just affraid to be alone. Which is the same problem his mother had. He is so much like her and more so since she passed away. He misses her so much. I miss her too, as do the kids. He still has yet to talk to his older brother. Funny how he can stand up to everyone for everything almost but he can't bring himself to tell his brother that he's a selfish son of a -itch who married a greedy selfish money crazed woman who stole from her dying mother in law. He can't even bring himself to defend me to the two -ucking Bastards who told my husband I'm not good enough for him because my family is part BLACK........Right before his mother passes away these two Asses decided to have a nice long talk with my hubby to fill his head with lies about me which in his depressed state accepted all and questioned me about them later.....They planted the seed of doubt in his head about me and he is feeding it to grow and my weight loss is a major issue for him. I doubt he will ever defend me to them or anyone else for that matter cause he doesn't beleive in confrontations. I'm not asking for him to fight for me physically just to make me feel like I am protected. Him allowing his brother and his sister in law to bad mouth me to his face and behind my back and not once tell them to stop or that they are wrong, HURTS. And they started this insicurity in him that is slowly driving a wedge in our marriage. That and the fact that I finally realized that I don't have to put up with the mental and verbal abuse that he dishes out when he's not happy. Well, I feel good, now that I've vented beyond vent. Thank you all for your e-mails of support. If I sound a little wacky right now it's cause I'm slowly losing it dealing with the hubby. Oct. 9, 2002 I didn't realize I hadn't posted for 48 days....Well, alot has happened, I have now stabalized at 130lbs. I feel good about that. BUT,.....I remember before my surgery, I read a few profiles of people who ended up getting divorces after the surgery, I never thought I would be going through so much with my hubby that I too would contemplate divorce.....It is now the point where he is so inseacure that he questions everything and anything. It is to the point of harrasment the the way he questions and interogates me about things. I am so unhappy right now with him. He even went through my cell phone and searched my directory to see who all I had in there and then not only deleted some numbers, but questions me about them afterwards and then couldn't figure out why I was upset with him. Right now, It's sad to write this, but I'm feeling like I just want to get a job, save up as much as I can, so I can get the hell away from him. There's only so much I can take from him right about now, in my life. As a fat person, I put up with the hurtful comments because he said I wasn't good enough, and (stupidly) thought, he's the only one who'll ever accept me as I look so I stayed and put up with the humiliation and degrading statements and comments. Now, I realize, I don't have to put up with all that any more. But he thinks, It's cause I'm cheating, so now he says he does'nt trust me. This is a case where I'm damned if I do and Damned if I don't. I can't win and probably won't win. We've been together for 14 years now and married 10. We have 2 kids, A son, (6) and a daughter, (5). I keep hearing stay for the children or they'll be tramatized, but I feel like staying together in a angry, tense relationship is worse cause this is what they are learning for their own relationships......I don't know, I'm so upset about all of this going on that I don't think I'm making sense with out sounding selfish right now. I'll post again later. Sept 4th 2002 Next week (the 10th) is my birthday.....I'll be 20something. But the exact number doesn't matter. hehehe. Hubby has been acting like a silly kid taking loads of pictures of me. He even put me up on his computer desk top. It's too funny. I'm so excited about my pictures being up now. I actually lost about 10lbs more since that post-op shot was taken but the pictures I do have are a little too provacative. :-) I'll find something to show the actual me. I remember when I was pre-op I would go through each and every before and after and wonder would I ever post here for having lost 100lbs. Now I know. YES!!!!! Weird thing is as happy as I've been feeling, I've had a string of bad luck. My truck got hit on Tuesday and ironically, NO ONE SAW A thing. Today, Wednesday, I got a speeding ticket while tring to get my kids to school. I have no money to pay my phone bill which my sister made high to begin with.....(she's unemployed). I crashed our car about 1 month ago so I can't use it while the truck is getting repaired, which I hope to be able to do less a 500.00 deductible. Lucky me. Or course I look around my house and wonder what can I sell???? But everything I have means something to me so I can't find anything worth selling to get some bills out of the way. To make matters worse, I paid off and closed ALL my credit card accounts except one and they closed me out because my new phone number belonged to someone who had a bad account with them. I can't believe it. So now me and hubby have NOTHING to fall back on for a emergency. I've been job hunting but who wants to hire someone who hasn't worked in 7 years. I kept up with everything but eveyone wants to see jobs on a resume from 1 month or so ago, NOT 7 years ago. I am working on getting a functional resume done, since it's not nessasary to list dates on it. I'd love to start my own business of course but I can't think of the one thing I want to do everyday. Or even the one thing I like to do. Plus I need a job that will allow me time to take the kids to school and be there to pick them up. I'm not complaining cause there are others out there far worse then myself. I'm just writing with the hopes that an answer/idea will come to be in my deep thoughts right now. ALL IN ALL, I'm doing real good and feeling great. Tomorrow, I plan to start knocking down a wall in my house cause it's nasty and ugly with the toungue and groove wood and mirrors. Hubby says it'll cost us about 100.00 to get it looking like a wall again, so I'm actually hoping to sell a glass dinning room table we have to cover that cost, and if it doesn't work, I saw a show on d.i.y network where they covered a wall using brown craft paper and wallpaper glue..... could do that! We'll see. Aug. 27, 2002 Well, the kids are back in school. I'm so excited that I can now start looking for a job, at least until I take my state exam to become a realtor. The commision meets once a month to approve applicants and the next meeting is on the 18th of Sept. '8' DAYS after my birthday. I sent new pictures of myself, (full body) to be posted. I can't wait till they go on. I got lots of complaints about my "boring" head shots. Hopefully these new ones go to the before and after since there is a 100 lb difference. hehehe. I can't believe it's really me. Aug. 22, 2002 Some of us post-op paitents started a online support group and I'm hoping to get activity up on it by inviting some people to join it. It's on Yahoo. the address is: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/OSSG-Trivedi/ Right now more then ever we need all the support we can get and anyone is welcome to join. Without our surgeon, many of us would like to hear from other post-ops and their expirences, so I hope I can build us up. On a good note, I finally sent off my state application for my Real Estate License. I can't wait to do this. On a bad note, I crashed my car 2 days ago on an overpass. It was raining and I was going around the curve to go from one highway to another, when I lost control of the car and it started spinind wildly. It was like being on the set of a movie or something. It was surreal. Ironically, the car hit a wall 3 times but only one dent. I swear I had a higher hand in this accident, especially since I didn't go over the wall to land onto yet another highway. I think God is tring to tell me something.....Between the deaths and now this, I don't know. Right now I'm too dense to see or get the message. I hope it all becomes clearer to me. Aug. 19th, 2002 I just found out that one of the women who had the surgery with Dr. Trivedi passed away due to complications. Her intestines were twisted and I was told he kept passing it off as nothing til it was too late for her. Dr. Trivedi is no longer practicing surgery at this time. He never mentioned this to ANY of his paitents when he decided to "quit" either. He left on June 14th, (ironically, the same day my Mother in law died.) And this paitent, YOLANDA MARTIN, passed away on April 27th, One month to the date of her surgery. She was a single mother of 3. May she rest in peace and I pray that her babies will be cared for as she would have done herself. I have been putting off assigning myself to a new surgeon, after this news though, the first thing I plan to do in the morning is get a referal to see a surgeon on my plan. This is so scary. You could be here one minute and gone the next. Yesterday, my little sister had a seizsure.....Never had one before but had one yeaterday, I've been tring to convince her to go to the hospital but she's stubborn. I'm hoping to convince her to go tommorow, but I doubt she'll do it. Tommorow, I'll be going to a support group meeting for post-ops, sponsered by a local hospital. I'll also be meeting some post-ops for dinner. I'm looking forward to it. It's going to be my first post-op meeting since May, right before Dr. Trivedi left. Well, I took a course in Real Estate and passed that, Now I wait to get approval to do the State Exam. Wish Me Luck.......I have a headache from the news of Yolanda's passing. I'll update again soon and I'll update my pictures as soon as I get out of my lazy slum. July 24, 2002 I can't believe YESTERDAY was my 1 year anniversary as a post-op. I'm also surprised it's been almost 90 days since I updated. Let me start by saying Thank you to the many thoughts and prayers for my mother in law. She was an amazing woman who went on to Heaven on June 14th. She is greatly missed by me and her Grandbabies. As for myself....I now weight 130lbs. WhoooooHooooo!. I can NOT get over the fact that I have lost half myself. I was 261lbs. I have confidence when I'm out in public now. My self esteem is amazing. I feel GREAT, physically. Mentally, I am slowly realizing I am no longer a hog wearing size 26 and can actually wear size 7/8. Emotionally, I am very happy and have NO regrets. BUT,.....I was NOT prepared for my husbands change towards me. To feel better as a fat person, I became the loud out going person who was so funny and eccentric that people wanted to be with me...well, the attitude stuck and I'm still like that, only NOW, I'm thin so hubby has decided I can't be trusted and so I am NOT allowed to go anywhere. I feel like an abused wife because I get interogated everytime I do something or want to do something. He's told me I'm probably going to meet someone and leave him, (after 14 years) and I am so unhappy about that. So much so that I've started seeing a Pychyatrist and we are going to marriage counsling. I hate this right now. Just when I thought I was going to have a life with my children and husband, all I could think about is packing up and leaving him and NEVER to return. I am so sick and tired of the questions. I feel like I'm married to a cop. An absessed cop. I recently started going to school for realestate, Well, EVERY night he comes up with a new senario of me being this unfaithful slut looking to cheat and I find myself defending something that has not or probably will never happen. I am so HATING this part of my life. I feel like I love him but there's only so much I can take. As much as I want to leave I'm also so scared. Not of him hurting me, just of what will happen to my life if I do leave. We have a 5 yr old daughter and 6 year old son. I don't know how this will affect them If I leave of if I stay. Maybe the counsling will help...maybe not. I'll see. I swear, this surgery was the best thing I ever did for myself regardless of what's happening. Between the stress of being my mother in laws sole care taker before her passing and my husbands insicurity, I have been feeling like CRAP, but all in all, I'm glad that I feel good and look good and can do so much for and with my kids. April 26, 2002 Saw My Dr. T this week. I am down now to 145, then again, it's that time of the month and if not for my IUD, I'd think I was pregnant, my stomach is so bloated. YUCK!!! Once my period is over, I'll weigh myself again and see how much I really am. I think I will get to 135...Especially once I start working out again. My mother is law starts to get better, then she gets worse, then she gets better again. It's kinda wearing me out dealing with the changes she's going through. It doesn't help that my husband won't deal with his mother....He is upset that he is losing her, It also doesn't help that his brother and sister in law wants us divorced and are doing their damdest to achieve it. Between the lies and comments, I am more then ready to end this "Blessed Union". I have enough other stress in my life with out having to wonder when they send me another nasty e-mail or call my hubby with so called Dayana said this to us stories. My sister in law went as far as saying things would have been better had my mother in law just died.....Of course that's cause she hadn't written a will then and they want it all and she has a will now.....Greedy PIGS! Anyway, on another sad note...My wonderful Dr. T is leaving his Corporation and may be returning up North to NY/NJ....Not sure what I'll do. Then again, I have loads of family up there so I guess I'll have to take a yearly trip just to see the man.....I won't mind. :-) Well, I'm stressed and you're reading about it. The surgery has made me happier all around, Too bad it can't get my hubby's brother and his wife and her daughters to vanish from MY life forever........Did I mention they blame ME for Her daughters reaching puberty and rebelling against them, Boy the powers I hold. March 31, 2002 My NEW goal is 135lbs...... So much has been going on that I have'nt posted in over a month. I am VERY happy with my weight loss....I've lost to date 113lbs...I am now down to 148lbs, Woooooohoooooo! I feel great and think I look great. I have dyed my hair a Golden orange red....It's as exotic as it sounds, but i love it. It really brings out my brown eyes and sun kissed complextion. Now, on to the changes in my personal life. In Late February, my Mother in law was dignosed with Cirrohsis of the Liver and after a biopsy was done, they found Cancer of the Liver...Her amonia level sky rocketted and during a Nuclear test, she went into Cardiac Arrest.....Because a DNR was not in place, she was resesitated. She spent about 2 days in ICU at which point her older son decided to wean her off the ventilator breathing for her and wanted her moved into Hospice, he and his wife were almost positive my mother in law would not survive...My husband felt she was going to come home. He was right. After 3 days in Hospice, She was sent home. I have been caring for her since she got home. I don't mind doing it, she's done alot for me and my husband, her son since she moved in with us almost 4 yrs ago. What IS stressing us is that her older son, Who did'nt want his mother to move in with him when she lost her home has now decided that HE is In Charge, He's tring to say that I prevented him from having a relationship with his mother, Mind you she lived on her own up until about 4 yrs ago when she moved in with us, and she has her own phone line in my home so that too I can't control, yet he says, I kept him from having a relationship with his mom. Also, they Brother in law and his wife) have decided, that their home in Orlando is better for her NOW.....Mind you when she was well, she wasn't good enough to live with them but now all of the sudden she's important to them and they have gone as far as Contacting the Hospice program to try and declare my mother in law incompetant so that they could take her. They are sick, demented people who I think only wants to see her dead. My sister in law came down and took most all her jewlery that had any senitimental value or financial value and left the plastic stuff for me and my kids, then she turns around and tells her husband I took all the jewlery, She even took things that I let my mother in law borrow of mine and some pieces I gave my mother in law that I was supposed to get back. Now, they want to "talk" to my husband and I to clear the air.....I feel they have stenched the air with enough hate and resentment that it'll be a cold day in HELL before I allow myself to continue to KISS ASS again. I said something hurtful to my sis in law cause she took all the jewels but I apologized for that, That's as far as it will go with me.....You see my family is multi racial and from day 1 of being with my hubby I have been apologizing to these people for everything, even if they were the hurtful ones which they always have been other then this last time. I think my being so self conscience of my weight and having a low self esteem made me almost beg for some acceptance, WELL, NO MORE.....I am feeling good for the first time in years and looking good and my self esteem and confidence is growing as I'm shrinking.....Thank God for the miracle of this surgery. Feb. 10, 2002 Well, my hair loss has slowed down, and so has my weightloss. I weighted my self at the hospital yesterday and I am now 165. That's only 5 lbs in 19 days.....I guess, it's OK cause when I do that calculate weight loss thing in the gallery, if I put what I weighted and 100%, it seems, I'm right on track to reach my goal weight. I have been somewhat depressed lately......I'm not working, I want to go back to school cause I've been out of work for over 1 year now. I need something that'll pay at least 8.50-9.00 to make it worth me going back to work. My daughter goes to Pre school only 3 days a week from 9-12 and I have to be able to pick her up unless, I get a good paying job and put her in Daycare.....My mother-in-law lives with me but we just found out today that she has Corrohsis of the Liver. She's having a biopsy done to see if it has become Cancer tommorow. (She only found out cause her stomach swelled like a six month pregnant woman and the pain was unbearable.) At which time well know how much time she has left..........My husband wants me to be able to work at night........get the kids to school in the morning yet care for our daughter during the days that she doesn't go to school. After having this surgery and eating as little as I do, I'm liable to end up in the hospital if he really thinks I'm going to do that. I'd love to do something at home but I'm not sure what's legitamite and what's not now a days. The State won't help us cause they say before taxes my husband makes more then enough. That would be great if he got to bring his before tax pay home, nut once SSI, FICA, INS, Deffered comp, and Taxes comes out, he's lost over half his pay. That's ridiculous. I tried to sell a gold necklace and braclet set my husband gave me for Christmas one year. He paid over 1000.00 for this and the pawn shop only wanted to give me 150.00. I kept my jewlery. So right now, I'm just tring to decide what I'm going to do with myself. Like all things, it will work out in the end. Right now I just wish it would all work out, period. Jan. 22, 2002 I DID IT!!!!!!! I reached my first goal of 170lbs!!!!!!!!!! That's a 91lb LOSS.......Wooooooooohooooo!!!!! YeeeeeeeHawwwww! The funny thing is I went to the Dr. feeling so bloated and thought there is NO WAY I am under 179lbs, which was my weight in NY......Well, Low and behold, the scale said 170lbs........I am still in shock. I also went to my primary care Dr. and got my B-12 shot. I am feeling good. I noticed now that before I didn't care what I wore, as long as most of me was covered up, now, I want to show what I've got.....I wear not revealing clothes but things that emphsize my features....I can't say my ample bosom is one of those things cause I've gone from a 44DD, to a 38C. I finally bought new bras this weekend. I got tired of popping out everytime I bent over for something. Hubby, is very happy as well. It's like we're teenagers again, (we're High school sweethearts). The sex is AMAZING! I found out I'm not the only one doing it more now that I've lost weight. Thank goodness I have and IUD to keep from getting pregnant. My next goal is to get back in school and get a degree or certificate in something. I really want to be a librarian, but not sure I want to take 4 years to go to college for it. I want to earn something now so I can make money NOW! Oh well, It'll come to me.....I hope. Jan. 5, 2002 HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! Give or take a few days....... Well, I had a Dr's Appt. on the 3rd, but I missed it because I overslept. I am awaiting a reschedule. It may be good that I missed it though, cause I had my monthly friend and felt so BLOATED. I hope I'm at least in my 170's. I find that I do more drinking than eating right now. I do take my protein shakes in the morning, but then after that, I just want to drink as opposed to actually eating anything. Oh, I do get hungry and eat but I don't to eat, I do it cause I need to eat. Next week will be devoted to my finding a job or going back to school. I'll be at the unemployment office looking into both. My time in NY was wonderful. I saw loads of cousins and almost all my aunts and all my uncles. It was so amazing. It was so long since I was In NY. I followed my diet there with no problem and of course my aunts kept a close eye on me to make sure I didn't go crazy. I do reget, I didn't have slice or even a taste of the Wonderful NY pizza. Food was the last thing on my mind. I will update with my weight as soon as I learn what the actual weight is. In the mean time. I am wearing size 12! I think I was in elementary school when I last wore size 12. My stomach is shrinking nicely and the only surgery I foresee in my future is a breast lift. Other then that, all is going good. I do need to get back to the gym to tighten my thighs though. Those have been big for sooooooooooo long, I'm not sure if the skin knows to shrink. :-) All in all, I feel great! My self esteem is slowly returning, my sex life, (with hubby, of course), is AMAZING!!!!!!!! Even my kids (especially my son, age 5) tells me I'm so beautiful. Another thing I feel this surgery is helping me with is the fact that I can't eat like I used to as far as all those "tastey" foods go. My aunt (by marriage) who never smoked, or drank but was obese, just died on the 14th of Cancer. I think is was from the foods she ate. I am greatful that my foods are limited and hope that I live a healthy, cancer free life. Dec 13, 2001 I went to the Dr's yesterday (PCP) cause I had this cough that wouldn't go away. Imagine my SHOCK, HAPPINESS, and EXCITMENT, when they had me get on the scale and it read .......185 lbs!!!! I was clapping my hands, (like a seal), jumping up and down, ( like a clown) screaming, ( like a pycho) and finally cried. It was over 5 years ago that I got down to 185, and that was after starving myself to get there. I can fit in a size 14 jeans now and it is the absolute weirdest feelings to by that size. I still go right to the plus size cause I forget I'm not that big anymore. Of course now that nothing fits from that section they've got loads of pretty thing on Clearence for almost nothing.......I am so happy I did this. Another thing is my sex life.....Yes sir ree.....Hubby can't get enough of me now. He touches me every chance he gets and caresses like WOW! I read lots of romance novels and right now I feel like I'm living in one. My sister sees me daily and says I look smaller everytime she sees me. On the 20th I leave for NY to finally see my family again. I will be proud to show up there and not be the fat pudley they last saw. My BMI is now 35. I can't believe it been 5 months since my 1st surgery and 4 since my 2nd (revision) and I'm down 76lbs!!!!!! WOW. That's all I can say. Nov. 21, 2001 Well, when I had my appt. Dr. Trivedi wanted me to be at 205lbs, Boy were we shocked to see that I was down to 197lbs!!!!!!!!!! I was so happy I cried. For the first time in years I am finally under 200lbs. And the best part is, I know that weight is gone FOREVER........ One week ago I caught a cold, Talk about sick. I was so stuffed I couldn't eat a thing. And when I did eat, the mucus (from not breathig right) that was logded in my throat, would force me to throw up. Who knows how much I weight now. For now, my Doc's goal for me is still 170lbs. at this point, I know I'll get under that with no problems at all. Going to the gym really helps also. The weight comes off so much faster and your energy level is amazing. I feel so good now. I must admit there are days when I feel depressed, only cause I have no job right now, My INS. has cancelled and Money is a big issue in my marriage. I know I'll be alright but some days I just wish I had the proper education to get a decent paying job. It feels so weird to see these kids out there way younger then me bringing home 900-1000.00 a week cause they have some "skill". I want to go back to school but in all honesty, I have no idea what I want to do. I hope something comes to me soon. Have a Happy Thanksgiving. Oct. 19, 2001 I didn't realize how long it's been since I last updated. I am going to the gym as much as I can. I have my reached my Doc's goals for my appt with him so far and I'm proud to say, the next time he sees me, Which is Nov. 8th, he wants me to be at 205.....Well, thanks to all my exercise, I will be less. I know this cause i went by to visit and asked the nurse to weigh me and I was 207lbs. Wowwey wow wow!!!!!! I am also wearing size 16 in alot of clothes now. except jeans. I wear size 18 and it is very loose but the stomach fits good. Now the 16's go on but the stomach is wear the problem is. I guess I'll need to work a little harder in the tummy area. It's sad to say, but I feel like I've lost my best friend. Since my surgery, she doesn't talk much to me anymore and if her husband and I are talking, she gets mad and starts yelling at him like he's a kid right in front of my husband and I. It's not that she's ugly or has a bad body and needs to feel insicure, far from it. She has a hour glass figure and is a size 12. She has a pretty face and could probably get any man she wants. For some reason though she is slowly pushing me away. I feel so uncomfortable around her and her husband cause she yells at him so much it is sad. 80% of the time it's because of something I said to him that he is responding to. He and I have a love hate relationship. We love to hate each other, (playfully). I miss her but at this point, I don't want to stress on anything. I am feeling so good physically for the first time in a long time. EXCEPT, I feel off my motorcycle last week and landed on my left side, well, it still hurts very much. It's getting better though, just seems to be taking a while. I'll keep up on myself as things happen. I did e-mail my picture before the surgery and now so hopefully that goes up. Sept. 24, 2001 I don't know how it happened but my whole profile seemed to have gotten deleted.....That's a real bummer considering I had been writing since March 2000. Oh Well. I am recovering beautifully since my revision surgery on the 28th of Aug. Not one profile I read mentioned a stricture so I was not prepared for the problem or the consequenses it had on me. Alot of people ask me now, if I have any regrets....NO! I knew before this there was a chance I may have the surgery and die. So the fact that I had to do it again and I'm still alive makes me feel great. This weekend we cleaned up the outside of our home to make sure it looks good. For the first time in years, I was able to start something and finish it without feeling tired or heavy from all the moving aroung I did. We started cleaning about 11am and at 10pm, we finally stopped cause it got too dark out. The next day I went out and bought some starter plants and have started an herb garden, so far I have peppermint, spearmint, basil, thyme, and tomatoes. I plan to get jalapeno, and some fruits. Soon as I get a job.......Right now though, my son is about to switch schools, he's going from a public to a charter school so once he's situated there, I can look fro something part time until I feel upto full time again. Actually, in Dec, we'll be headeing up North to New York. I and my kids will see and meet all 56 cousins and 8 aunts and uncles. Do I have a big family? Yes. Especially in the cousin department. We finally got our Support group going. It'll be once a month, and I hope to have more going on with that. I'm feeling so good now. I still pass lots of gas. Mostly on top and once in a while on the bottom. It gets easier everyday and I am learning to use my tool everyday. I haven't started the gym yet but plan to do so. I got a great CD with Dance/Techno music and boy does it get you hyped. I'm actually waiting for a CD player I ordered online to come in so I can go to the gym. I'm still not telling my sibblings what kind of surgery I had. So far they think it was just Ulcers with a partle stomach removal. Unfortunatley, they would never accept my surgery. Two sibs are naturally thin. And my oldest brother worked very hard for two years to go from 305-170lbs. Since I have a husband and kids, and bills, I could never devote 3 hours to the gym daily and pay someone to write out all my meals weekly, plus help me excersise. Don't get me wrong, I'm very proud of my brother. I just could never do it like he did. Plus, I couldn't bare the though of doing all that and risk it all coming back in about 5 years. Well, I lost my old info, but now I've got all this room for the new stuff I'll be sharing with everyone. Sept, 11, 2001 Yesterday was my 28th birthday. Today is a day I'll remember forever. My aunts work very close to the World trade center. One aunt missed the crash by mear mintues. Another was late to work and just never made it there. THANK GOD! I have tickets to go to NY in Dec. I am now wondering if I should go. The thought of this happening to me is too scarey to think about....... I am starting to eat now. It does take about 2-3 hours before I feel well enough to eat something else or even drink. I will definatley have to have another proceedure to get "balloned", I am down to 219. I feel good now. I am walking around the neighborhood and will eventually start the gym again. I can't see the difference except for the pictures that I've taken of myself on my Logitech camera. Before I had no clothes that fit cause all were too small, Now I have none because they are too big. But I'm wearing them anyway. I have no regrets. I am finally going to be able to go out and do what I want to do and keep up with my kids. Life is good..... Sept 3, 2001 Well, I'm a rare one, that's for sure. I was doing great then I got dehydrated and went in for IV fluids and ended staying for a stricture in my pouch. Well, that surgery happened and the Doc balloned me out to the point where My pouch split and I was then rushed to my surgeon who basically had to do my surgery all over again. This was all on Tuesday and I woke up on Wednesday, with 2 tubes in my throat and big mittins on my hands. ( I tried to pull out the tubes) I'm back home today. Feeling kinda tired now. Will write back later. Aug. 20, 2001 Well, I just got back from Disney and Boy was it HOT! We didn't do half the stuff we wanted cause the heat was unbearable. At times I thought I'd die if I didn't get to the bathroom and wet myself down. I am now 223, I lost 16 in 1 week. WOW. I bought two pants to wear at Orlando and both are now too big and falling off of me. My favorite pants, Forget it, no more. They are just too big. I am still not hungry but have loads of energy. I still get sick after I eat something. But am able to keep soups and water down with no problem. I can't live without my water and have bottles ALL over my home and purse. I find that it's help, clear my face, keep skin moist, keep urine light, and increase the weight loss, not to mention keeps me hydrated. If I don't drink my water, I feel it. I am miserable until I get a drop in my mouth. Friday, I return to Orlando to see cousins and an Aunt I haven't seen in almost 9 years. I can't wait.
About Me
Before & After
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